Shaun Of The Dead Page #2

Liz from Head Office.

It's nothing to panic about.

Sir? Sir?

Sorry. Erm, they're for my mum.

Mum. "To a wonderful Mum"

or "Supermum"?

- Er... the first one.

- Right.

'... London seems

to have gone completely bonkers... '

- Oh, my God! Shaun!

- Yvonne.

Oooh! How are you doing?

- Surviving.

- Are you living round here?

- Yeah, are you?

- Yeah, I just bought a place.

- Bought?

- I know, bit grown-up, eh?

- Are you still with...?

- Liz.

That's great. Glad somebody made it.

How long's that been now?

- Er, it's three years ago last week.

- Did you do anything special?

- We're going out for a meal tonight.

- Anywhere nice?

Yeah...

Come on!

- Are you gonna thank me, then?

- For what?

Tidying up.

- It doesn't look tidy.

- I had a few beers when I finished.

'Hello, Fulci's. Can you hold, please? '

- Do you want your messages?

- What?

Your mum rang about tomorrow night.

Liz rang about the two of you

eating out tonight.

Then your mum rang back to see

if I wanted to eat her out tonight.

- 'Hello, Fulci's.'

- Hi, I know it's short notice

but could you possibly do me

a table for two for tonight at about eight?

'Sorry, we just gave away the last table.'

Wasn't true about your mum.

Where are we gonna go?

- The Winchester.

- Don't be stupid! They don't do food.

- There's a Breville out back.

- Ed, this is serious!

Hello.

- 'Hello, it's me.'

- Hello.

'What's the plan, then? '

Erm, there's been a bit of a...

a mix-up with the table, babe.

- 'What do you mean? '

- They're full up.

'But... I thought you said it was all OK? '

Yeah.

'You didn't book it, did you, Shaun? '

- No.

- 'So... what is the plan, then? '

The Winchester?

- 'Hello? '

- Dianne, can you let me in?

- 'I'm not sure, Shaun.'

- Oh, come on.

'Lizzie doesn't want to see you.'

- Just open the door!

- 'She doesn't want to see you.'

Do you want me to climb up the wall,

come through the window? Because I will.

'You're not coming in.'

- OK, see you in a minute.

- 'Don't... '

'Hi, it's me again.'

Can we just talk about this? Let's go out.

- To the Winchester?

- Do you want to?

- No, I don't f***ing want to!

- OK.

It's not the only place in the world.

We'll go to the Shepherd's,

they do Thai in there.

- I'm going out with David and Di.

- Let's go together.

You hang out with my friends?

"A failed actress and a twat"?

That's harsh.

I did not call Dianne a failed actress.

Let's just go somewhere and have a laugh.

Things'll be fine, I promise.

You promised you'd stop smoking.

You promised you'd try drinking

red wine instead of beer!

- You promised we'd go on holiday.

- We went to Greece!

- We met in Greece.

- At a rave.

It's not the same.

You promised things would change.

- You promised us free cable.

- I'm working on that.

I can give up smoking whenever I want.

See, don't need them.

W- What was the next one?

It's not enough, Shaun.

'We appear to have

a breakdown in communication there.

'Lf you or someone you know may... '

I'd say your nine lives were up, Shaun.

Get f***ed, four-eyes!

You go out with her, you love her so much.

What do you mean by that?

'... the devastation really is extensive.

It's a total mess.'

I don't know what he meant by that.

Got you these.

- "To a wonderful mum"?

- Oooh!

Yeah, that's because...

I thought it would be funny

because of what you said last night

about you don't want to be

my mum and that.

It's just a little joke,

just sort of spur of the moment.

- They're for your mum, aren't they?

- Yeah.

Smooth.

If I don't do something, I'll end up in that pub

for the rest of my life

like those other sad old f***ers

wondering what the hell happened.

What do you mean do something?

F*** her. You got your pint.

You got your pig snacks.

What more do you want?

Oh. You want your favourite monkey?

Shall I do Clyde?

See, I knew you'd get over her.

# If you leave me now... #

Who the hell put this on?

It's on random.

For f***'s sake. John, yes please, mate.

You know what we should do tomorrow?

Keep drinking.

A Bloody Mary first thing,

a bite at the King's Head,

couple at The Little Princess,

stagger back here and bang...

back at the bar for shots.

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

- No.

- Come on, man.

Talk to me.

She said if she stayed with me

she'd end up in here for the rest of her life

like these sad old f***ers

wondering what the hell happened.

That is harsh.

- These are rich, interesting characters.

- Like who?

Snakehips. Always surrounded by women.

He's a bigamist.

Strangled his first wife

with a draught excluder.

And invented the mobile disco.

What about her, then?

Ooh! Cockacidal maniac.

She's an ex-porn star.

They say she starred in

the world's first interracial hardcore loop.

Cafe Au Lait...

Pour Vous.

Yeah. What about John, then?

He's North London Mafia.

It's true, Big Al says so.

Yeah, Big Al also says dogs can't look up.

Think about it. Handy with a blade.

Gruff demeanour.

Bernie, the trophy wife.

He's connected.

Why is there a rifle above the bar?

- The pub's called the Winchester.

- Exactly.

See, you don't need Liz to have a good time.

- Don't, man.

- No.

Oi, look at me.

Can I just say one thing? I'm not gonna

say there's plenty more fish in the sea,

I'm not gonna say if you love her let her go

and I'm not gonna bombard you with clichs

but what I will say is this...

it's not the end of the world.

Sorry, we're closed.

Pisshead.

# Ooh, white lines

# Visions, dreams of passion

# Going through my mind

# And all the while I think of you...

Oh?

What's the matter, love,

haven't you had your tea?

# Something of a phenomenon

telling my body to come along

# Cos white lines

# Blow away...

- Shh!

Blow!

# Ah, get higher, baby

# Ah, get higher, baby, ah, get higher, girl

# Ah... #

What? He should say base.

Or freeze.

What a tit.

# You wanna dance? #

Don't scratch it! Wait...

- That was the second album I ever bought!

- It's four in the f***ing morning!

- It's Saturday!

- No, it's not.

It's f***ing Sunday

and I've got to go to f***ing work

in four f***ing hours

because every other f***er is f***ing ill!

Now can you see why I'm so f***ing angry?

- F***, yeah!

- Hey! Pete, look,

I'm sorry, we had a couple of drinks,

we split up with Liz tonight.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes