Shaun Of The Dead Page #3

Just keep it down, yeah?

Prick.

What was that?

Nothing.

- Stop it, we're friends!

- He's not my friend. He's a f***ing idiot.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It means why don't you f*** off!

You wanna live like an animal,

live in the shed, you thick f***!

- Leave him alone!

- Stop defending him.

All he ever does is hold you back.

Or is it easier having someone around

who's more of a loser than you?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You know what I mean.

I assume it was Liz who did the dumping?

Sort your f***in' life out, mate!

What's up with your hand, man?

- I got mugged on the way home from work.

- By who?

- Some crackheads. One of them bit me.

- Why?

I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them!

I've got a splitting headache

and your stupid hip hop isn't helping.

And the front door is open. Again!

It's not hip hop, it's electro. Prick.

Next time I see him, he's dead.

'Shaun, it's me.

I'm gonna be a bit tied up today

'so can you book the table

for eight rather than seven?

'I'll try you at work. Bye, bye.'

'Hello, pickle. It's me, Mum.

'Dad mentioned you might be visiting

tomorrow which would be lovely.

'Will you be bringing

Elizabeth with you this time?

'Only we can't wait to meet her finally

'and also I was wondering

if she wanted anything special for lunch?

'Cos these days a lot of people

don't eat meat.'

Do you want anything from the shop?

Cornetto.

Nelson, have you got any papers?

Nelson? I haven't even...

I owe you about 15p.

Oh dear.

Sorry, I haven't got any change.

I didn't even have enough

at the f***ing shop. Oh dear.

'... no official comment but religious groups

are calling it Judgement Day. There's... '

#... panic on the streets of London... #

- '... number of reports of... '

- '... serious attacks on... '

- '... people who are being... '

- '... eaten alive.'

'Witness reports are sketchy.

One unifying detail seems to be

'that the attackers appear to be... '

'... the sensational chart-topping... '

'... or ideological connection between

those committing the atrocities... '

There's a girl in the garden.

- '... emergency services... '

- What?

In the garden, there is a girl.

'... the armed forces will be called in

to provide backup and assistance.

'Scientists are still trying to establish

the nature of the phenomenon

'and are unsure as to the... '

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hello.

- What are you doing?

- Oi!

Oh, my God.

She's so drunk.

How much have you had, love?

- Oh! I think she likes you.

- Shut up.

- She wants a cuddle!

- I've just come out of a relationship.

- Ed, do something!

- Wait there.

- Ed!

- Two seconds.

I'm really flattered and everything but...

And, hold it there.

Ed! Just get her off me.

Jesus!

- What's up with her eyes?

- Now, seriously...

Mary, I'm warning you,

I'll have to get physical, I mean it!

This is it... Look, just f*** off!

- I think we should go back inside.

- OK.

- Shaun, what's going on?

- Sh*t, it's engaged.

- How about an ambulance?

- It's engaged, Ed.

- Fire engine?

- It's one number and it's busy!

- And what do you want a fire engine for?

- Anything with flashing lights.

Are they still out there?

Yeah. What do you think we should do?

Have a sit-down?

'There are reports of chaos

on the motorways

'as thousands of people

attempt to flee the cities.

'The M1, the M3, M4, M6... '

- Do you think this is the same thing?

- '... are all at a standstill.

'The Home Office is urging people to stay

in their homes and await further instruction.'

'Ensure all residences are secure

'with all doors and windows

firmly locked and barricaded. Police... '

- For God's sake! He's got an arm off!

- Get him!

'More reports just in confirm that in all cases

the attackers seem slow and shambolic... '

I'm gonna shut the front door.

'... regarding the best way

to neutralise the attackers.

'Ln the meantime, contact with

these assailants is highly inadvisable.'

- Did you see his head go?

- 'Lf you're confronted... '

- We should get out there.

- No, we should stay inside.

- We can take 'em.

- The man said to stay indoors.

- F*** the man.

- In here, we're safe.

'... the attackers can be stopped by removing

the head or destroying the brain.

'I'll repeat that, by removing the head

or destroying the brain.'

Hey!

Aim for the head.

- Now what?

- Get more stuff.

- What's in the shed?

- Dunno, it's locked.

- Why is it locked?

- It's always been locked.

No! That's the second album I ever bought!

Some of these are limited...

Ah! What was that?

- Blue Monday.

- That was an original pressing.

For f***'s sake.

- Erm... Purple Rain?

- No.

- Sign O' The Times?

- Definitely not.

- The Batman soundtrack?

- Throw it.

- Dire Straits?

- Throw it.

- Er... Ooh, Stone Roses?

- No.

- Second Coming?

- I like it.

Ah! Sade?

- That's Liz's.

- She dumped you.

- I'm going to the shed.

- You said it was locked.

- Which one do you want? Girl or bloke?

- Er... the first one.

'People receiving bites

have experienced headaches and nausea

'and developed symptoms... '

You've got red on you.

'Lf you know someone who has been bitten

'it is absolutely essential

that you isolate them immediately.

'The public are being strongly advised

not to approach anyone... '

Pete?

Pete?

- Why don't we just go up?

- Don't go up there!

- Why not?

- Because A, he might be one of them

and B, he might still be annoyed.

Pete?

Maybe he went into work.

How come he didn't drive?

His keys are still here.

Maybe he got a lift.

He said he wasn't feeling well. Pete?

Oi, prick!

He's not in.

- You got a fag?

- No, I've given up.

- Since when?

- Since...

Come on, babe. Oh, she's engaged.

- That was quick.

- Ed, this is serious.

Liz!

- 'Shaun.'

- Mum! I was gonna call you. Are you OK?

- 'Yes.'

- Are you sure?

'Some men tried to get into the house.'

- Are they still there?

- 'I'm not sure. We shut the curtains.'

- Did you try the police?

- 'Well, I thought about it.'

- Are you OK? Did they hurt you?

- 'No, I'm fine.'

- Mum?

- 'Well... they were a bit bitey.'

- Mum, have you been bitten?

- 'No, but Philip has.'

- Oh, OK.

- Has she been bitten?

- No, Philip has.

- Oh, OK.

- Mum, what state is he in?

- 'He's fine. Bit under the weather.'

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