Shaun Of The Dead Page #4

- I see.

- What's the deal?

We may have to kill my stepdad.

Mum, you're not safe there. I'm coming.

- 'I don't want to cause a fuss.'

- We're coming to get you, Barbara!

So, what's the plan?

Right.

'We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's,

'we go in, we take care of Philip.'

I'm so sorry, Philip.

'Then we grab Mum, go over to Liz's place,

'hole up, have a cup of tea

'and wait for all this to blow over.'

- Why have we got to go to Liz's?

- Because we do.

- She dumped you.

- I have to know if she's all right.

- Why?

- Because I love her.

All right, gay.

- I'm not staying there, though.

- Why not?

If we hole up,

I want to be somewhere familiar,

I wanna know where the exits are

and I wanna be allowed to smoke.

OK...

'Take Pete's car, go round Mum's,

'go in, deal with Philip.'

Sorry, Philip.

'Grab mum, go to Liz's,

pick her up, bring her back here,

'have a cup of tea

and wait for all this to blow over.'

Perfik.

No, wait, we can't bring them back here.

- Why not?

- It's not exactly safe, is it?

Yeah. Look at the state of it.

Where's safe? Where's familiar?

Where can I smoke?

'Take car, go to Mum's, kill Phil.'

- Sorry.

- 'Grab Liz, go to the Winchester,

'have a nice cold pint

and wait for all this to blow over.'

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

Yeah, boy!

'To recap, it is vital

that you stay in your homes.

'Make no attempt to reach loved ones

'and avoid all physical contact

with the assailants.'

Do you believe everything you hear on TV?

Yeah, I can see it, it's just outside.

Any zombies out there?

- Don't say that.

- What?

- That.

- What?

That. The Z word. Don't say it.

- Why not?

- Because it's ridiculous.

All right. Are there any out there, though?

Can't see any.

Maybe it's not as bad as all that.

Oh! No, there they are.

- OK, let's do this, yeah?

- Yeah?

Yeah! I got to do a wee first.

Ooh... can I drive?

What?

I always wanted to drive Pete's car.

I might not get another chance.

OK.

Ahh! Oh, God.

Sorry, Pete. Listen, we're gonna

borrow your car, OK?

Erm, we'll bring it back.

And if you're feeling better later,

we're... we're going to the pub.

You're more than welcome to, er...

join us.

Pete'd be so pissed off

if he knew I was driving his car.

I don't think so.

Shaun, which button's central locking?

Oh, cock it!

Get lost!

Drive.

'The Church of England

has joined other extremist religious groups

'in proclaiming this

"a sign of a coming apocalypse".

'Downing Street is refusing

to be drawn into a religious debate.

'The bodies of the recently deceased

are returning to life and attacking the living.'

Let's put something else on.

What are you doing? Ed, look out!

I think we hit something.

Or someone.

Ow!

Are you all right?

Come on, let's just go.

Hello?

- He's gonna be dead either way.

- That's not the point.

Oh, thank God for that.

Ah, hello.

Who's a pretty boy then?

You didn't say Barbara had a Jag.

I've always wanted to drive a Jag.

It's Philip's. He won't let anybody near it.

I put a Mars Bar in it once

and he chased me with a bit of wood.

- F***, it's gorgeous.

- It seems pretty clear, we should go.

Why don't I stay here?

What, what, what, what, what?

You know, just look after the car.

If there's any problems...

I'll honk three times.

OK.

Don't forget to kill Philip!

- Hello, pickle.

- Hi, Mum.

You've got red on you.

Yeah. Mum, is everything OK?

Are you all right?

- Yes, I'm fine.

- Where's Philip?

- Dad's in the lounge.

- He's not my dad.

Really!

Ed's outside,

we'll take you somewhere safe.

- What about the doctor?

- I don't think he's gonna come.

- Philip won't want to leave the house.

- Philip isn't...

Put the kettle on and I'll deal with Philip.

- OK.

- OK, then.

- You hungry?

- Not really.

- I'll make some sandwiches.

- OK.

No fighting, you two.

'... you may ask where is our God?

'But throughout the land,

men and women of integrity

'rise up to confront the unseen enemy.

'They will not be cowards,

'they will be courageous

in the face of danger.'

- I'm so sorry, Philip.

- Why?

- What have you done now?

- Nothing.

What have you got there? Flowers, I hope.

No, it's... cricket bat.

- Is that for the jumble, Shaun?

- No. Yes.

Your toys are upstairs.

I was going to give them to the jumble.

- I took them all to the tip, Barbara.

- What?

- Shaun wants to take us somewhere.

- Don't be silly.

Maybe you should stay here

and wait for the doctor.

- You said he wasn't coming.

- You didn't call the doctor?

- Just to be on the safe side.

- I'm fine. I ran it under a cold tap.

We had ourjabs when

we went to the Isle of Wight.

- But, Philip...

- It's overblown nonsense.

- A lot of drug nuts running wild.

- But I should get Mum away.

- I'm not going anywhere without Philip.

- Mum, look!

How about that tea?

Mum, how much do you love Philip?

- Two sugars, is it?

- I haven't had sugar in my tea since 1982.

Oh, yes. Will you cut me some bread, love?

Mum, look, how much do you love Philip?

Do we have to go through all that again?

What would you say if I told you

that Philip's been quite unkind to me?

You weren't easy to live with.

- He chased me with a bit of wood!

- You did call him a you-know-what.

- Did he tell you that? Motherf***er.

- Shaun!

Sorry, Mother... Mum!

Did you know that on several occasions...

he touched me?

That wasn't true.

Made it up, shouldn't have, sorry.

- You don't understand...

- No, you don't understand.

Philip is my husband

and has been for 17 years

and I would at least expect you

to respect my feelings.

You must be more adult about these things.

Yeah.

Come on, Shaun.

There comes a time when...

you just...

gotta be a man.

I'm telling you, it's a fuss over nothing.

Hello, Edward.

- Hi, Barbara.

- My, how you've grown.

You better believe it.

What happened? Why is he coming?

- It wasn't as easy as all that.

- Are we following you?

No, it's probably best if we...

Where's the car?

Hmm... I pranged it.

You were parked.

Yeah.

I guess we'll have to take the Jag.

- Philip?

- What?

Look out!

Christ!

- Give me the car keys!

- You're not driving that car.

Give me the car keys!

Ed, get Mum in the car.

I'm on it.

Don't worry about me.

Worry about your mother.

- Maybe I should drive.

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