Short and Curlies, The

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Have you got anything

for a sore throat?

- Do you wanna gargle?

- I beg your pardon?

I'm joking. Just something to suck.

- Pastilles?

- Got any crayons? No, no, no, no.

Seriously, what have you got?

Mac's, Vic's, Tunes, Bradosol,

Merocaine, TCP.

- Whatever.

- What about a Fisherman's Friend?

- What about a Fisherman's Friend?

- 52.

Right, Joy, we'll take six inches.

Let's go the whole hog, shall we?

Oh, that's it.

See, that's looking better already.

- I hope it won't be too severe.

- Oh, no, that's lovely.

That's gonna be gorgeous. You see,

that's making your face look wider.

Hello.

You all right?

You've had your hair cut,

haven't you?

Can I help you?

Er, yeah, do you have any shampoo

for greasy hair?

- Is it for you?

- No, it's for a friend.

Yeah, it's for me.

- How often do you wash your hair?

- About two or three times

a year - no, a week.

- You want a frequency wash.

- Do I?

- That's what I use.

- You ain't got greasy hair.

- I have, actually.

- Yeah?

I got dry ends

but it is greasy at the roots.

- You're having me on, aren't you?

- You could try that.

I like your hair like that.

It's quite pretty.

Oh. Thank you.

- Do you want this, then?

- Yeah, I'll take it.

- All right? Hello.

- Hello.

Eh! Oh...

Hang about.

I hate my name.

- What's your name, then?

- Clive.

- That's unusual.

- But you can call me sir.

Joy, did you know that there's as

many molecules in a teaspoon of water

as there are teaspoons of water

in the Atlantic Ocean?

- This is my house.

- Oh, right.

- I'll see you tomorrow, then.

- Yeah, all right.

You go easy up them steps.

I'll see you, then.

Ta-ta, then, Clive.

Two hands, please, Joy. That's it.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

It's got to be a snug fit, you see.

- Can I let go, Betty?

- Yeah.

I'll tuck the back in for you.

- How's your mum, Joy? All right?

- She's not too bad.

Only she's not been in to see me,

lately, you know.

- This isn't gonna hurt, is it?

- No, it'll be all right.

And if it does pain, Joy,

just shout out, you know,

like when you're in labour.

'Cause my Charlene had

a very big head, you see.

- I can't stand pain.

- Can't you, Joy? No?

- Ow!

- That's it, Joy.

Ooh-ooh! Did you forget your key

again, Charlene?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's typical.

Oh, I'm queasy.

I've just seen a gorgeous cat

lying dead in the road

outside the church, there.

And I don't like cats, do I?

All its insides were out.

- Did you get that boiled ham?

- Yeah.

And I've been itching down below

and I don't know why.

Oh, I'm dry.

Put the kettle on, Charlene.

And of course, she wanted me just to

walk out, leave my two ladies.

I said, "Oh, no, Cynthia,

I can't do that."

I said, "Jerry said you was ill

and I was expecting a full day's wages."

"Oh, all right," she says,

"I'll come back at two o'clock."

At two o'clock I'm sitting there

in my coat and she doesn't show up.

There's your tea, Charlene.

And the next thing is that

at half past five, Jerry walks in.

"Oh, she's bad again," he says.

And I said, "What is it this time?"

"Oh, it's her thyroid." I said,

"Well, Jerry, I'm not surprised."

You see, she takes tablets

for her thyroid, Charlene,

but with that diarrhoea being bad,

they'd gone right through her.

And then he checked

the takings again.

Course, you see,

they don't trust me, Charlene.

Oh, that itch is bad.

I don't know whether it's a tight bra

or whether I've been bitten.

I was on the telly last night.

I'll sleep anywhere

when I've had a few drinks.

- I think I'm getting a mouth ulcer.

- Oh, yeah?

- It's the salt.

- Two peanuts walking down the road.

One was a salted.

- Do you ever get constipated?

- No, no, no. My mum does.

Why, do you?

I've decided. I'm gonna try Senokot.

Then the world will drop out

of your bottom.

I don't think that's very funny.

You've been decorating, then?

Don't you like them?

- I've just had them done.

- No, I do, actually.

It's beautiful.

Oh. I'm quite pleased

with them myself.

What's round and really violent?

A vicious circle.

That's better. You see?

You can smile. That's nice.

Lightens up your face.

It's good.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

Oh, you've heard it.

- I've got a blister on my heel.

- Yeah?

- You got a hole in your stocking?

- No.

How do you get your feet in, then?

Don't you get embarrassed,

selling these?

- Not particularly, no.

- I would, I would.

- You get used to it.

- I'd laugh.

Do you want some, then?

Yeah, all right, yeah. Extra large,

that's the one, that's me.

- Don't be so stupid.

- No, no, no, I mean it. Go on.

You're wondering now,

ain't you? Look at you.

- No. No.

- You're thinking, "Hello..."

- It's nothing to do with me.

- We'll see about that.

- So I'll pick you up about seven?

- Yeah, all right.

My feet are really aching.

- You got any clothes pegs?

- I use a foot deodorant.

I like it, I like it, honestly.

It's 'cause of

standing on them all day.

What else have you got to stand on?

I hope I'm not gonna get

varicose veins.

- 'Cause my mum's got a varicose vein.

- Has she?

Are they, like, hereditary?

Runs in families, yeah.

Noses run in my family.

You want to try a decongestant.

Hell hath no fury

like a woman's horn.

The trouble with wearing tights is

your skin can't breathe.

I know a funny joke about stockings.

- Go on, then.

- No, it's dirty.

- I don't like dirty jokes.

- This is filthy.

- You're gonna tell it though.

- No, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't embarrass you.

Not in front of the fish.

What time's your mum and dad

getting back?

Midnight.

They're nice, your legs.

I like 'em. I do.

Didn't you meet nobody nice tonight,

Charlene? No?

- You should have a boyfriend.

- I don't want a boyfriend.

Course you do.

I know I do.

A man about the house.

- Didn't you talk to no boys tonight?

- No.

Well, you're shy, like your father.

Didn't nobody ask you to dance?

'Cause you were a gorgeous little girl,

Charlene.

You were a gorgeous baby

and you're gorgeous now.

I can't understand

how they're not queuing up for you.

- They were for me.

- And look what happened to you.

Your father was a gorgeous man,

Charlene Flack.

That was his mother turned him

against me.

- Like that, Joy?

- It's unusual.

Oh, I think it's very modern. You'll

be the belle of the ball, tonight.

- Are you courting, Joy?

- I have been seeing somebody.

Oh, have you? Is he lovely?

- He's quite tall.

- Is he?

- He's got blond hair and blue eyes.

- Lovely.

- Is he well built?

- He is actually, yeah.

- Manly?

- He's a very quiet type.

Don't say much.

He's serious.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

- I could go for a man like that.

- Which one now?

The dark one.

Do you like him, Charlene?

- He's all right.

- He's so clean, isn't he?

- Which one do you like the best?

- Neither of them.

- What about that blond one?

- He's too fat.

Oh, no, that's not fat, Charlene,

that's muscle.

You've got to have something

to grab hold of.

Ooh, I'd have him

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