Short Cuts Page #26

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- Are you cheating, Ralph?

- No, Marian. You cheat, remember?

- Ooh.

- All right.

This time you be Alex Trebek now, okay?

Time to switch.

- Finished with this one. Let's switch.

- [Claire] We're gonna switch places?

- Okay, Stuart, you have to sit in the middle.

- [Ralph] Does Alex Trebek cheat?

Move over.

You gotta be in the middle.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Hey, hey, hey.

Here's the categories: "Little Songs," "Celebrities,"

"Gourmet Cooking," "Family Life" -

Gourmet cooking. Sh*t!

- Aw, sh*t!

- [Marian] Oh, Jesus, Ralph.!

- [Claire Laughing] Oh, God.

- You said minutes an inch, Stuart.

I did. The thickness, not the length.

How about we have

another piña colada?

- [Classical]

- [Engine Running]

[Jazz Piano]

[Continues]

You may mean me some good

You may mean me some harm

You may be a fire

You may be a false alarm

'Cause I don't know you

I don't know you

I don't know you

I don't think you should talk

that way in front of the kids.

- They don't understand.

- How do you know?

It goes in one ear,

and it goes out the other.

You should be happy that I have a job

where I'm home all the time, you know.

We don't send them

to some funky day care.

I make damn good money.

Hey, did you collect

from the Ryans yet?

I don't want you servicing their pool,

you know, if they haven't paid.

[TV:
Man Speaking, Faint]

How come you never talk to me like that?

Like what?

Like the way you talk those guys off.

Are you kidding me?

Well, that might spice things up.

Look, you wanna f*** me, f*** me.

I'm just a little talked out, you know.

Sh*t. Can you get this for me?

Jerry, big bear.

Did I hurt your feelings?

- Look at me.

- No.

- Look at me.

- It's all right. Let me just get this.

I'm so glad Joe-Joe got your eyes.

You know that?

You wanna f***? Hmm?

Yeah, let's f***. Come on.

We can f***.

[TV:
Continues, Indistinct]

Oh, sh*t. Wait a minute.

Sorry, I -The TV.

Be right back.

My little puppy's name is Rags

He eats so much that his tummy sags

His ears flip-flop

and his tail wig-wags

He walks back and forth

in a big zigzag

[Stuart]

I mean, being a doctor and all...

do you touch many dead bodies?

Wig-wag, zigzag

- He doesn't have any pedigree

- That's kind of a strange question, isn't it?

But I love him and he loves me

- [Both Laughing]

- Come on, it's your turn.

You know, a little makeup,

a little costume.

[Stuart]

Oh, no.

A littler weird behavior.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Don't look at me like that, Stuart.

It's always me underneath.

You know, I can change.

But I can always go back to me.

- Don't you wish you could do that?

- Marian, what have you got on underneath?

You know, Ralph. Nothing.

[High-pitched Voice]

So what do you wanna be?

- [High-pitched Voice] I wanna be nothing.

- And I'm gonna make you...

a pussycat.

- Wait, does this stuff come off?

- Oh, sure.

Well, I know how to do nothing.

We'll just erase your face.

In a setting by the woods

A little man by the river stood

Saw a girl come floating by

And he heard her cry

"Help me, help me, help me," she said.

He couldn't help her.

She was dead.

I know who it was.

The baker.

- What, honey?

- Casey's birthday gift.

- Howard.

- What? What is it?

- I know who made the phone calls.

- Who?

The baker, Mr. Bitkower.

- Oh, sweetie.

- Stop. Don't do that.

I don't know you well

I don't know you at all

I don't know you

I don't know you

I don't know you

[Stuart] You know,

my mother was an artist, sort of.

- She always said I should draw

or that I could, but... I don't know.

- [Yawns]

You know, when I was in art school,

I had a teacher.

Eventually killed himself.

He couldn't sell anything.

But he used to have us paint

with sticks and rocks...

whatever you could find, like -

like cavemen or something.

I guess it was supposed to be like -

He never allowed brushes

or pencils or- or real paint -

the paint you could buy, anyway-

just to get you to feel, or something.

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