Shortbus Page #2

No, don't do that.

I spend half of my time blowing the NYPD to keep this place open.

I barely have any time for myself.

Here's the sex room.

This is where it all happens.

Aren't they beautiful?

It's not your average sort of Friday night event,

but people seem to be enjoying themselves.

Last week we had some people in here,

I had to throw them out,

'cause you know, this is my house...

Oh, this is Creamy.

She's your matre d'.

Pleased to meet you.

Can I help you with some condoms or lube?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Well, then maybe some blondies.

These are cannabis-free,

the pot corn isn't.

Excuse me.

Pot corn.

These are actually not all for me.

Thank you so, so much.

Why don't you come in and have a look?

After all, voyeurism is participation.

Well?

Now come on.

These b*tches in there. Eating asses and sucking cock,

and then they show up at the buffet and say they're vegan.

Hi.

Any bites?

No.

I love these little gadgets.

Oh, this is Sophia.

She's a friend of the Jamies.

You know the Jamies?

I love the Jamies!

They're like the cutest couple in the whole world.

Do you think you could introduce me to them?

Yeah, probably.

I'm Ceth, with a C.

- Justin...

Hmm?

- Someone just came on your cat.

It's not funny!

Why can't they leave my p*ssy alone?

What is that?

That's the "yenta 650".

It's supposed to find me a husband.

How does it work?

I put in my profile...

"I got a match for you!"

Hi.

- I'm Magnus. And you are Keth?

That's actually Ceth. So you're 1.9 meters tall?

What's that in feet and inches?

Do you know?

Where are you from?

Canada. - Oh really?

- 6 1/2 feet.

a 15 cm dick...

Oh my God!

Maybe we can talk about this if we sit?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

- Great.

Is my hair OK?

Yeah, it's fine.

Thanks.

Sophia, come sit with us.

OK.

You make it sound like the Loch Ness monster.

It doesn't seem like it should be so hard to find.

It is so elusive, you know.

I'm starting to wonder if it's even natural.

It's not necessary for procreation, is it?

It only seems to appear in a handful of species

like the rabbit, the ferret,

the bottle-nosed dolphin, the macaque, the bonobo,...

"I'm an albino!"

Thanks.

Well I am, so it meant a lot to me.

Oh, that means a lot to me, actually.

Hey.

Hey.

You gonna be around later?

Sure.

Sorry. Go on.

You know, I feel like we're inundated by images

of these super deluxe babes in the throes of the ultimate orgasm...

I think it's just some myth to sell more magazines.

Whoa, myth? Did you just say that

female orgasms are a myth?

Yeah.

I'm here to tell you, sister, they're not.

- Here we go.

I've seen them happen before.

They're completely real.

Shabbos, Sophia.

Sophia, Shabbos.

Hey kids.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Shabbos Goy,

and if you're Jewish

I can help you turn on your lights.

I'm agnostic.

Do you like performance art?

Yeah, I do.

OK, I'm gonna do a show soon, and I think that you should come to it.

Might be a sort of therapeutic for your little problem.

Excuse me?

I have to say I find the fact that you can't have an orgasm completely unacceptable.

I would really like to work with you.

Shabbos!

Maybe I can help her!

You know, I'm sort of like a orgasmic superhero.

"Have I got a match for you? Oy, ! Oy, sheyne ponim! Sheyne ponim at 11 o'clock! Come on, just get off and go! Why so picky?"

Sh*t!

Sir, I'm so sorry. Are you OK?

My pacemaker. This odd vibration.

I'm so sorry.

No, no...

I think that was my Yenta.

Your-- your who?

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Well...

I used to be the mayor of New York.

Oh my God.

It's called "Ode to the female secretion",

and it works in five different movements:

Lubrication, Lactation,

Ejaculation --which is my favorite--,

then Urinatinon and Menstruation.

I think my throat's closing.

I can't use the last two.

Are you a really heavy bleeder?

On my second and third days.

That's so hot.

You know, I use menstrual blood as makeup in my show.

Tampons. Just pull them right out, fresh from the fruit, and use it as lipstick.

It's a period piece.

You're kidding.

I should really use that in the show.

That's the first funny thing you've ever said in your life.

Would you be interested in doing that?

You mean, donating... my...

Some of your menstrual blood for my face.

Oh, come on now!

What?

Join the line!

Did that make you...

I think it just made you uncomfortable

because you're a little baby homo.

- What are you doing?

Does this really have to do with an orgasm?

It comes from her f***ing p*ssy,

why are you so f***ing uncomfortable about it?

I can deal with pussies!

I'm around them all the time!

I'm not talking about your f***ing boyfriend.

Get off of me!

You got a boner!

That's my cellphone, you f***ing albino butch f*ggot!

Want to f*** me there with your mangina?

just for cockfucking me, you f***ing dick.

Hi.

Are you OK?

There's just, uh...

lots of, uh...

Men?

Yes.

- Jesus.

My name is B*tch.

Hi B*tch.

You are?

Sophia.

Hey, sister. Sit down.

You're in the right place.

You're in the P*ssy Palace.

So you're a sex therapist

but you've never had an orgasm?

Actually I prefer the term "couples counselor".

Have you ever been with a woman?

Uh, no, you know--

I'm not sure if I'm wired that way.

Rob's the only person I've ever been with.

Wow.

- It's cool.

My god.

You must have some major blue clit.

Did you do those PC muscle exercises?

You know, the PC muscle that controls your pee?

So when you're peeing next time,

just, you know,

squeeze it up and then let it go.

Squeeze it up, let it go.

That's good for your orgasms.

I'm doing it right now.

Can you guys tell from my face?

May I ask you a question?

I wanna know what did your very orgasm feel like.

Welcome to Lifetime Television.

It's all about your pussies.

This is gonna sound really cheesy, but

I felt like I was shooting out creative energy into the world,

and it was merging with other people's energy,

and then there was no was. There was peace.

Wow.

Well, mine was definitely with Little Prince.

We had this incredible connection.

We just like made it really slow and still,

and I felt like I was finally not alone.

Mine felt like I was talking with the gods or something.

You know, they were--

Shut the f*** up.

Excuse me?

Sophia, if you've never had an orgasm,

then how does it feel like

for you to have sex?

Great.

Yeah. Sex is really awesome.

I love sex.

Sex feels terrific.

- That's great.

I love it. A lot.

It's a great workout.

It feels good.

And I love loving my husband.

It's just, there comes a point sometimes where it gets a lot of pressure

and kinda like,

it feels a little bit,

kinda like, um,

like somebody's gonna kill me,

and I just have to smile

and pretend to enjoy it.

And that way I can survive.

F***, Severin.

Excuse me, that was totally inappropriate.

Don't mind her.

- Freak.

But you know what's the most wonderful thing about New York?

What?

It's where everyone comes to get f***ed.

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