Shorts

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I know. Let's play Who Blinks First.

Loser has to do you-know-what.

Ready, set, go.

There are six steps.

First we state the question.

What's the matter

with you two? Clean up this mess.

Who won?

Oh, man.

This is my neighborhood.

And these are some of my neighbors.

Go 10 paces west.

- One, two...

- That's east, you lunkhead.

Oh, okay.

- One...

- South.

Boys? Come look after your sister.

So much for our treasure hunt.

That baby is always ruining our adventures.

Some of my neighbors are weird.

Okay, that'll do it. Give me your foot.

Other foot.

Okay, inside. The germs are coming.

In fact, some of them

are not very neighborly at all.

And then there's my house...

...with its quaint, adorable, everyday,

supportive and connected family.

Mega power point damage.

Super effective.

Nano-blast. Major confusion.

Still playing with your imaginary friends?

No.

Freak.

I don't think I'm a freak.

Do you think I'm a freak?

Shut up. Who asked you?

And we should be connected.

After all, this is Black Box Unlimited

Worldwide Industries Incorporated...

...or Black, Inc. For short.

You know them as the guys that make

the Black Box all-in-one gadget...

...that's sweeping the nation.

The whole operation is smack-dab in

the middle of the Black Falls Community.

Development to manufacturing

to shipping...

...all in one centralized location.

Hundreds and hundreds of employees

both live and work here...

...including my parents.

I've got a garage full of gadgets.

Why do I need this one, Mr. Black?

What does the Black Box do?

Mike, the question is,

what doesn't it do?

It's not only the ultimate

communication device...

...keeping us connected

to each other and the world.

That's not all. It's also

a multimedia player, a can opener...

...a dog groomer...

...a vacuum cleaner...

...a baby monitor.

It's a shredder.

It calls the ambulance if you fall down

in your bathroom and can't get up.

It removes rust, paint, pet odors.

Thousands of uses.

It's just about everything

you could ever possibly wish for.

In super grande, grande y el nio.

And this is the man

who owns it all, Mr. Black.

Mr. Carbon Black.

I hope that applause was meant

for you, my trusted partners...

...in our quest to put the Black Box...

...in every hand and home

in the civilized world.

That is our goal.

Who can tell us how close

we are to achieving it?

That's right.

Not even close.

And why is that?

Because the Black Box

is facing fierce competition...

...from the Purple Pyramid,

the Silver Cylinder and other such rip-offs.

- They're nowhere near as good.

- They're catching up.

And I can't have them eating

into our profits.

We need to leave them all...

...in the dust!

Let them eat soot.

Sir?

Focus groups have identified our multiple

uses as a drawback instead of a positive.

We're offering a toaster option.

Nowadays, most people

don't even eat bread.

- She's right.

- You're fired.

- So are you.

- But...

Do your spouses also work

for this company?

- Yes.

- Yes.

They're fired as well. Move out

of your homes, effective immediately.

You think fear tactics and cutthroat

competition yield better results?

Well, it won't!

The new Version X upgrade...

...has to shut down the competition

once and for all.

Have them playing catch-up

for the next 10 years.

- Team A leader?

- Yes, sir?

- Team B leader?

- Right here.

I expect results soon. Live up

to this challenge, you make partner.

Don't and you

and your families are out.

But we're married.

I don't see how your social life

is my concern.

So if he loses,

then I get fired even if I win?

Well, no, that's preposterous. Heh, heh.

But you just said

if she doesn't make partner...

...then she and her family are out,

and I'm her family.

Then you better not lose.

Clearly you two haven't figured out that

delightful little paradox called marriage.

Just get it done, whatever it takes.

And the answer to Black's problem...

Whatever it takes.

It literally fell from the sky.

No, no, no. Wait.

Is that what happened next?

See that wishing rock I'm holding?

It made things so confusing,

I can hardly remember the order of events.

Go forward a bit.

Yeah, that wasn't it either.

I'm probably going to have to tell you

the story completely out of order...

...in a series of shorts.

Let's start here.

Maybe we should go back to when

I first came into possession...

...of the rainbow-colored rock.

Oh, by the way...

...my name is Toby, Toby Thompson.

I wanna give you an idea

of how I start every morning.

Maintaining a mouth like this

is no small task.

First I use a special toothbrush

between the wires and my gums...

...to loosen any food particles

that may have lodged in my braces.

Upper teeth:
Positioning the bristles

at a 45-degree angle...

...brushing towards the gum

in a circular motion.

Inside, tops,

then repeat for the lower set.

Rinse, spit, mirror check.

Is this the reason people think

I'm a dork?

Of course not.

Braces are necessary

when you have hillbilly teeth like mine.

No, no. Not done yet.

Now I floss...

...and use a special pick

to get under the brackets.

Rinse, spit, mirror check.

That's it. Time to eat breakfast.

Guess what. Toby's playing

with his imaginary friends again.

Am not.

Shouldn't you be already

moved out by now?

I mean, you are, like, 19 or 20.

Keep it down. I can't hear myself type.

What about your friend Nose?

Don't you play with him anymore?

Toby, you need friends.

Friends are very important.

Look at your dad and I.

We're the best of friends.

Oh, he has plenty of friends at school,

Mom. They can't wait to see him.

In fact, I hear he has

his own welcoming committee.

That's just a nice way

of saying "bullies at school."

I know I'm not the only kid

in the world to get picked on...

...but my situation is unique

in a few ways.

Hey, metal mouth.

Got another date with the trash can.

Hold on.

This is Cole Black, son of Mr. Black.

If you're thinking this is the worst kid

in the whole school, wait.

He's got a sister.

Helvetica Black, the leader of the pack.

Heh, heh. Wimp.

Shall we do this?

I just realized something.

I know why you have them

beat up on me every day.

Because I hate you?

Because you love me.

Ooh...

That's right, isn't it?

We're both outsiders.

- We're both ignored.

- No.

We both have railroad tracks

for braces.

We're Ionely and boring

and always getting in trouble...

...because we have nothing else

better to do.

So you're head over heels in love with me

and that makes you...

...furious.

Am I right?

How about...

...no?

So I'm not a psychologist.

My science report today is about...

...science.

Oh, man, I just forgot it.

Um...

The scientific part of it,

which would be, um...

...science.

This fish is the only friend

I have in this dump.

How you doing?

Don't get me wrong,

it's a really good school.

It's just the people in it that suck.

In olden times, they burned

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