Shotgun Wedding

---

[ Panting ]

To whomever

it may concern,

if you're seeing this video,

I am most likely dead.

[ Creaking ]

You've heard about the gruesome,

tragic events that befell

the Milton-Fletcher wedding.

It's been all over the news.

But what you don't know

is the truth--

the real story, the story

that my cameras captured.

There are dangerous people

out there...

who are willing

to do whatever it takes

to suppress the truth.

But my art

will not be suppressed.

Whoever you are,

if this file finds its way

into your possession,

please mail a copy of it

to the F.B.I.

Mail a duplicate copy

to the Sundance Film Festival.

Okay? Make sure

you attach a note.

Tell 'em it's a rough cut.

You know, still working

on some things.

But mostly it's all there.

Just gotta put

the title sequence in,

it'll be all set.

I've stayed too long.

[ Rifle C*cks ]

Farewell.

I call my film

Shotgun Wedding.

[ Shotgun C*cks ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ Sighs ]

Robert. Hey, buddy.

How about a few words

for the camera

from the groom?

Oh.

The video.

Right.

The wedding video. We--

We wanted to record

everything.

- [ Gunshot ]

- We could go back and relive

this special moment.

[ Screaming ]

- I could never forget today.

- [ Gunshot ]

- [ Laughing ]

- [ Screams ]

- [ Ax Strikes ]

- [ Screaming ]

No matter how hard

I tried.

[ People Screaming, Faint ]

You-You must have something

to say about your wedding.

[ Screaming Continues ]

Robert, you okay?

Robert.

[ Woman Screams ]

[ Gunshot ]

[ Man #1 ]

You got it? We're rolling?

[ Man #2 ] I got you.

[ Man #1 ]

Check, check, one, two.

One, two, check. Got that?

Slated.

[ Blows ]

So, um,

what exactly

are we focusing on?

I don't--

Everything, man. Uh--

Family moments,

problems, funny sh*t.

Nip slips.

Just let it run.

You know what I mean?

Just don't stop running the

camera. That's all, basically.

Get everything. Blaze?

You got it.

Get it all.

[ Pop ]

[ Man ]

You

[ Chattering ]

- Who are you?

- [ Man ] I had one of those

going on.

Just wanted to thank you all

for being here on-- with us.

We know that you all

had to take time out of

your busy, busy lives,

and some of you

had to fly across an ocean,

and it really means a lot to me.

And to me.

Well, to us.

[ All Laughing ]

[ Robert ]

I, uh-- Wow, man.

The Miltons, I just--

[ Sighs ]

A family anyone would kill

to be a part of.

I just feel so lucky

to feel so outclassed.

[ Woman ]

No. No!

Oh, now.

To those of you who witnessed

my embarrassing display

of skeet shooting this morning,

I'm a much better shot

than that.

I know my dad was probably

sitting there going,

"What? Did he not learn

anything in all those

duck hunting trips?"

Uh-- I blame

the wedding jitters.

- Oh.

- Not that I have

the wedding jitters!

Everyone, the Honorable

Judge Philip "Flip" Milton.

Just so everyone knows,

he likes to be referred to

as "sir," so--

No, no.

That's not true.

I prefer

"Your Honor."

Okay. Well.

Here's to Rosemary

and Robert, huh?

Yay.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm Ted.

I'm the best man, and--

Best man.

Hear, hear.

Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty as charged.

I have been best friends

with Robert since high school.

And who would have thought

both of us would end up marrying

such classy dames?

Um-- Actually,

my wonderful wife, Elizabeth,

is to blame

for this whole thing,

'cause four years ago,

she said to me,

"You know, my friend Rosemary

is smart and beautiful

and rich.

But she's got

terrible taste in men."

[ Chuckles ]

She said, "Why don't we

introduce her

to your friend Robert?"

[ All Cheering ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

You were great, Ted.

[ Mouths Words ]

I was

Rosemary's first...

boyfriend.

I don't think my poor mother

has ever quite forgiven me

for letting her get away.

Ha, ha.

So, Robert--

[ Chuckles ]

do not let her

out of your sight, mate.

I still have

almost 24 hours

in which to win her back.

[ Laughing, Oohing ]

But seriously.

[ Chuckles ]

To Rosemary... and Robert.

- [ Woman ]

Cheers!

- That guy's hilarious.

I'm in the middle of my speech

at the rehearsal dinner.

Yeah! Um--

Robert and Rosemary,

you are the perfect couple.

And even though I haven't known

either one of you that long,

really,

I just want you to know that...

I'm so honored that

you chose me to be

your maid of honor.

[ Groans ]

Hug time.

[ Rosemary ]

Yay.

Big hug here. Yay.

I'm so happy

you're here.

[ Indistinct ]

She only has 200 views.

That's sad. Maybe I should

subscribe to her channel.

We love you.

I love you.

Rosemary! Ahh!

[ Laughing ]

Right?

- My favorite cousin.

- Oh. It's true.

I am super honored you guys

all believe in me enough

to deejay the reception.

- [ Man ]

He's deejaying?

- [ Woman Muttering ]

There was a time

back in Afghanistan-- Oorah!

that I thought that

I would never find something...

in the civilized world

to connect to.

Yeah, after being in the sh*t.

Until I found my true calling...

as DJ Awesome-sauce,

crankin' out dope jams

for good Americans-- Oorah!

I, uh--

I wondered if my only talent

was killing people.

[ Laughs ]

You know?

- Every time I close my eyes,

I can still smell the blood.

- [ Applause ]

I was starting to worry...

that he was waiting

too long to get married.

Possibly because of

how things went...

with his father and me,

you know.

We're divorced.

Messy! Messy.

Rosemary was so beautiful

and smart.

There was no way

he could fall any more

in love with her...

than I already have.

- [ All Exclaiming ]

- [ Man Muttering ]

Robbie, after you

brought her home

that first time,

four years ago,

the very next day,

I baked a wedding cake.

[ Man Chuckles ]

Yes!

From scratch.

And I have it here

right now.

- [ Mouths Word ]

- Here we go.

- [ Man #1 ]

Uh, no.

- [ Chattering ]

[ Man #2 ]

Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi.

- [ Woman Groans ]

- [ Man #3 ]

Nice.

[ Maid Of Honor ]

Ooh, a vet. I don't know how

you keep your figure so slim.

[ Rosemary ]

StairMaster. Old school.

[ Chattering Continues ]

Anyway. You having

a good time?

Oh, man.

Thank you so much.

It's--

Of course. Of course.

Look at this.

Hey, listen. Why don't you kids

go out, have a good time.

Okay.

Gonna stay here

and clean up.

All right.

The first round will be

on the father of the groom,

Hank Fletcher.

- [ Spits ]

- Oh!

[ Chuckles ]

No, no. I'm just

messing with you, Hank.

No, no, no.

[ Mother ]

Hank?

First round is on me.

Are you sure?

And then you freeloaders

are on your own, okay?

[ Chuckles ]

Now just, uh,

don't get in trouble, okay?

Of course.

We want to stay

out of the papers,

don't we, honey?

[ Rock On Speakers ]

[ Man ]

Last cameraman standing.

- What, are you going home?

- All right, ladies.

Here we go.

Leave these boys

to their revelry.

I want to stay

and revel too.

Ooh! Can we do shots?

Keep an eye on these guys

for me, okay?

[ Song Changes ]

To this guy.

[ Maid Of Honor ]

To him!

[ Man ]

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