Shovel Buddies Page #3

about was wanting to play there.

What about the new stadium,

huh?

There's plenty of loose dirt.

It won't be too hard to dig.

He'll have the best seats

in the f***ing house.

Seriously?

Hell, yeah.

Let's do it.

Knock it off.

I'm trying to make his

last hours fun, all right?

This is it for Sammy.

I don't get why he can't just

stick it out the window to pee.

- Maybe he gets stage fright.

- Get out and go.

Do you need someone

to go with you?

Uh-huh.

All right, come on.

I'll go with you.

We don't all need to go.

You're not gonna

leave me out here with him.

Why not?

He's your brother.

- Not who I was talking about.

- Come on.

Could we use your bathroom?

It's over in the back.

Thanks.

Hey, you think Sammy

wants a lottery ticket?

Hello?

Hello?

You've been really nice up

until the last 24 hours...

Staying in Sammy's room,

taking care of him,

taking care of me.

I really didn't mind

the change at all.

You told me to choke on

a cock this morning, so...

You were talking about my tits

at my brother's funeral.

I would take that

as a compliment.

Did you ever think that maybe

if you were less of a dick 24-7

that you might have

some other friends?

I mean, Sammy's gone.

You obviously hate

Jimmy and me, so...

Who do you have left?

Guess you're gonna have to go

play with yourself then.

This never would've happened

if she went for me.

But she likes Jimmy.

Jimmy likes her,

so I guess that's that.

I miss you, man.

Hungry?

I didn't eat at the funeral.

We got burgers earlier.

Couldn't have waited until

after you broke into my house?

Poor planning on my part.

Thanks for bringing me along.

I appreciate it.

- I know I wasn't in the will, but...

- I meant what I said earlier.

You're supposed to be here.

- 'Cause of the Jersey?

- Because I want you here.

Whoa. Wait, what?

Are you trying to kiss me?

I mean, it's cute, sort of.

Kind of a really

f***ed up time to try,

but at least

you're making the effort.

So what does lump like to eat?

I don't know.

You don't know what

your brother likes to eat?

Lump, what's your

favorite candy?

- Milky ways.

- Milky ways. It's milky ways.

It's so weird you guys don't

know anything about each other.

You should just go

bond or whatever.

- I also like Reese's.

- Shut up.

You're not gonna impress me

by being mean to lump.

- It's how we communicate.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do I sense some tension

over here or what?

Dude, you should be at the car.

Sammy wanted a slushy.

Do you think

he'll get a brain freeze?

Hey, if you guys aren't gonna buy

something, you need to leave.

Don't be a downer.

I'll be in the car

keeping an eye on Sammy.

Hey, she's got to pay for those.

Relax. I got it.

$2.99?

Here.

I know they're your favorite.

Can't believe you left me

here with these idiots.

How could you

even be mad at him?

How many of my friends did you

try to hit on all the time?

Remember in sixth grade

when I had that

big birthday sleepover,

and you stole Allison Polsol's

panties?

Ooh, the poor thing had to

free-beaver it all weekend.

But I covered for you,

and I didn't hold a grudge.

Oh, f***.

Yeah, f*** you, pig!

We are so dead.

You wanted to come.

Man the f*** up.

Hey, take it easy.

A little help here.

Turn right.

Turn right.

Turn left here.

Kill the f***ing lights.

You really f***ed us, Dan.

You f***ed us by dragging

Sammy out of his coffin.

Leave Sammy out of this.

- Please stop saying his name.

- Guys...

You're just jealous

'cause he left us a mission

and you a f***ing key

to something he didn't

even want you to have.

- Shut the f*** up.

- F*** you, Dan.

You're the one who

brought us on this quest

to put a Jersey on somebody

you call your best friend.

But you didn't know

his last wish,

'cuz you were too busy

f***ing his sister!

I just want to do

what Sammy wants.

Sammy wanted to be

a-f***ing-live.

- Stop!

- Guys!

- What?

- Red light!

Ugh.

Ugh.

Jimmy?

Hey, you okay?

Yeah.

My door is jammed.

Where's Sammy?

Ohh.

Hey. Hey, you okay?

I think he broke his arm.

Dan?

Please. Please.

- Please what?

- My arm is...

Just don't use it

unless you have to.

- Jimmy.

- He's fine. He wanted to come.

He wanted to join

the big leagues.

Here he is.

Where the f*** is Sammy?

Dan.

Dan. I got him.

What does it look like

I'm doing?

- I can carry him.

- F*** you!

Jimmy, his arm, it's serious.

He's fine.

He's not fine.

Hey, stop.

F***ing stop!

Goddamn it!

That's it.

That's it.

I'm f***ing done.

I'm out.

We're almost there.

It's, like, two miles away.

He needs to be seen by a doctor.

Lump, look at me.

- You're fine, right?

- F*** you.

- What'd you say?

- F*** you. F*** you.

You're not my brother.

He's your brother.

- He needs me.

- He's dead!

You're never around.

You're always with him.

I hate Sammy.

He threw batteries at my head.

He stole money from

my sock drawer for weed.

He spit on me.

And when you were with him,

you did the same things.

My best friend's dead, lump.

Look, nobody cares how

hard it is for you, okay?

Do you think I liked

having a bunch of a**holes

break in to my house?

Do you think

I liked being blackmailed

into giving you my Jersey?

Do you think I like spending

the night with his body?

Don't f***ing touch me.

I'm just trying my best

to do what he wanted.

News flash:

Sammy's dead.

My brother is dead.

Your brother's alive,

okay, so f*** you.

I went to him, and I told him

that I liked you.

And he said "no."

He said I wasn't allowed,

and then his dumb ass died

without ever talking

to me again.

He would've come around.

But you didn't even wait.

The next thing I know,

you're whoring it up in school.

I know I'm not one of the

popular kids, but I hear things.

Oh, what did you hear, huh?

That there was always

gonna be some before you,

that there was always

gonna be some after you?

You didn't even call.

You f***ed me and left me.

Even when my brother died,

you didn't even send me a text.

Goddamn it!

You are such an a**hole!

Your brother made me this way.

Sammy always wanted

everyone to know

what he wasn't gonna get to do.

So he made everyone else feel

bad for not having a disease.

It's why he left

a f***ing message even

after your parents told him

the way it had to go down.

If it's such a f***ing burden,

then why? Why do you do it?

Because he left it to me.

Because he didn't trust me

with his sister,

but he did with this.

Well, you better hurry up then,

'cause he's slipping away.

Hey.

Dan?

Dan?

The school is the other way.

F*** the school, Jimmy!

We're almost there.

I'm taking him back

to the funeral home.

We don't have time.

The sun's about to come up.

- Come on.

- Don't f***ing touch him!

- Are we really gonna do this?

- Yes, Jimmy!

You've been bossing me around

for the last 12 hours!

You can go, just leave Sammy.

I'm taking him back

to where he f***ing belongs.

He wanted to be

buried, remember?

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