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- There are rules.

Call L.A.P.D. and get clearances.

And find a cameraman.

- Is Julio out of traction?

- I'll call the hospital.

- What if our Dirty Harry says no?

- Everybody wants to be on TV.

10-36. It looks like the stolen cuffs

were an inside job.

That's very funny, guys.

Very funny. Very well-written.

What are you reading,

the Jenny Craig newsletter?

FYI, my friend,

a lot of this is muscle.

It's a flyer for some new

reality-TV cop show.

- I got to be part of this.

- Thought you wanted to be a detective.

I'm a cop

and I'm a professional actor.

Your career consists of a few lines

on an episode of Diagnosis Murder.

All I need is the right part

and I'll get my big break.

Know how old Sam Jackson was

when he got his break? He was 42.

Okay, but he's got, gosh,

what's that thing called? Talent.

I'm talented. I ain't no Sam Jackson,

but I'm talented.

Your partner will be Mitch Preston.

We know who'd wear the cuffs there.

He nailed the other lead?

He's front-page news.

Everybody's talking about him.

I'd blow his old ass off the screen

every night.

You crazy? Mitch Preston, please!

I said, "Do you wanna take your feet

off the desk?"

Get your feet off the desk.

Where's Lazy Boy?

My client's taking the Fifth.

He's the victim here.

Got yourself a pricey lawyer.

Had to sell a lot of TVs for that.

- Who's paying?

- That's privileged information.

The captain needs to see you

when you're done.

He's done. Come on, ReRun.

This interview is over.

- We don't talk, we walk.

- For now.

- Do you want me to start filming?

- Yeah, everything you see. Perfect.

Oh, my God.

This place is so depressing.

It looks like a tomb.

Well, you wanted reality.

We need a reality change.

This is hideous.

I'm not doing it.

Let them follow somebody else.

They don't want anyone else.

You the man of the hour.

- All I did was shoot a video camera.

- You made us look like savages.

- The network is suing for $10 million.

- What?

They said you could have killed

their cameraman.

Maybe I should have killed him.

The chief already cut the deal.

Do the show, and they drop the suit.

What?

That's extortion! They can't do that.

We need good PR.

Community relations are in the toilet.

- You the best detective we got.

- So, what about this big gun?

Am I supposed to let them follow me

around while I track down the weapon?

- Look, I did an episode of Cops once.

- You did an episode of Cops?

You forget the camera is even there.

- This is real work. I'm not an actor.

- No one is saying you can't work.

But you screwed up. And now

you've got to play ball. End of story.

You'll be reporting

to the show's producer, Chase Renzi.

Chase Renzi? Is that a real name?

I won't take orders from some

coked-out Hollywood d*ckhead.

Not in a million years.

That I won't do.

That's good,

because she doesn't have a dick.

Check her out for yourself.

She's outside, waiting for you.

Well. Better looking than I thought.

We gotta bring in color, some light.

Do you think these windows move?

Detective Preston, hi.

I can see you're busy.

We'll talk tomorrow.

He's not very friendly.

Find out where he eats.

Make a reservation for two.

- Here you go, cover boy.

- Thanks.

Detective Preston, Chase Renzi.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

- How you doing?

- Good. I see you've already ordered.

- Make it quick, I have work to do.

- What can I get you?

Same as him. A cheeseburger, rare,

fries and a Coke.

- Diet?

- Regular.

So, Detective Preston...

Can I call you Mitch?

Why don't I just launch

into a few basic questions...

- ...and find out what makes you tick.

- I don't tick.

- Sure you do. Everybody ticks.

- Not me.

Tell me about yourself.

You have a girlfriend, a wife?

- Ex-wife.

- Ex-wife.

Was it a painful divorce?

I only ask because I was divorced,

and I know it can be difficult.

I mean, did you drink?

Lady, I'm here because my captain

made me. I had no choice.

I have no interest in you,

your questions or your show.

Not only do I understand

your resistance, I appreciate it.

You do, huh? Good.

I'm not into making the same bullshit

cop show we've seen a million times.

That's why I believe if we're honest

and open with each other...

...we could do something

very special here.

I don't know

what you're talking about.

- I'm talking about reality, Mitch.

- There you go.

Letting the world find out

who you really are.

You're looking for loose cannon,

cop-on-the-edge Serpico bullshit.

I'm telling you,

you're wasting your time.

See that anger, Mitch?

It's working for you.

The audience will connect

with that in a major way.

I'm out of here.

I'll call you later

to discuss your new partner.

Want that in a doggy bag?

No.

Thanks, though. It was delicious.

- How did it go? Is he intense?

- I need cherry Tums, quick.

- Is he psyched about the show?

- It may be harder than I thought.

- Hey!

- You son of a b*tch!

Freeze! L.A.P.D.!

Wait! Wait!

Bad idea. I only got two things

bigger than my mouth.

One of them is pointed at your head.

- You want to do this the hard way?

- I'll stick you, pig!

- Okay, officer. You nice with yours.

- You damn right.

If your boys want to know who put the

smack down on you, my badge is 38723.

I go by the name of Trey Sellars,

patrolman.

- I believe this belongs to you, ma'am.

- Chase Renzi. That was incredible.

Just doing my job, like the badge

says, protecting and serving.

- Get this psycho off me!

- What's with the Superfly sh*t?

- I got the situation in hand.

- Top Cop, how you doing?

This is my collar.

Never leave a suspect

who's not cuffed.

- He could've had a gun.

- Nobody got no gun.

Trey, I think you broke a rib.

Tell him to get the cuffs off.

I told you I can't do handcuffs.

Quiet!

You have the right to remain silent!

- You know each other?

- No.

Never seen him before.

Just another criminal.

Bullshit. We took a stage combat class

together last fall.

Nice try, pal.

He's just trying to weasel

his way out of the crime.

- That's what he's doing.

- He looks like a real menace.

Who wants to explain?

Trey said he'd give me $50 if I

snatched the lady's purse and ran.

He'd pull up in his police car,

jump out...

...chase me up a fence,

beat me down, kick me--

All right, all right. Okay.

I set the whole thing up.

It was a big setup.

I set it up to make it look

like I was...

- I was auditioning to get this part.

- What part?

Your partner.

We've been interviewing.

It won't be this moron.

I should report you

for impersonating a cop.

Put a lock on that "moron" sh*t.

Why you take everything so seriously?

You should be protecting,

not staging crimes.

- Someone could've got hurt.

- Like me.

I'm learning from a guy

who shot a news camera?

You got the part already.

I'm just trying to spruce it up.

- That's what you normally do at work.

- Better watch your mouth.

What are you gonna do,

wrap me up in caution tape?

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