Showtime Page #6

They are a joke.

Right?

- It's a joke. It's a Showtime joke.

- Showtime.

That's great TV!

We can take this car and meet girls

who wouldn't normally look at us.

Yeah, I'll pass.

You gotta go whip up

some dinner plates?

- Why don't you stop the car?

- All right, I'll leave you alone.

- What's this, your picture and rsum?

- Those are my 8-by-10s.

I just want to look.

All these special skills

must come in handy, huh?

I've never...

...never met a...

...mime. Is that it? Mime?

Yeah, I'm a mime. I mime.

I'm curious about these movies:

Beach Party Bonzo?

Yes, it's a semi-independent film.

Very low-budget, semi-independent.

Planet Gorthon, 31 A.D.?

Kind of light porn,

but I don't even want to go into it.

You try out for the Village People?

- I'm adding pottery to that list.

- Don't knock pottery.

Of all the things a man can do,

why would somebody throw a pot?

- lf I tell you, will you drop it?

- Please tell me.

My marriage counselor. My ex and I were

on the rocks. She said get a hobby.

- And that's it?

- That's it.

Why are you so crappy at it?

It's like you and work.

I never took it seriously.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yeah.

Why'd you become a cop, anyway?

- Because I was a shitty waiter.

- You mean you were a better mime?

I was an excellent mime. Still am.

Would you like to see my skills?

I got the car. Don't worry.

See? Now my face

is against the glass.

You can mime words too. Watch.

- F*** you.

- Okay.

I'm impressed.

There's a glass wall here.

Thanks for the ride.

- We got to bond, don't you think?

- No. Not really.

Uh-oh.

- What?

- I never leave my lights on.

Surprise!

What did you do?

- You don't like it?

- No, I don't.

Tell Don Johnson

we found his apartment.

I don't know what you were thinking.

I want it back. Now!

Okay, Mitch. Just relax, okay?

We didn't touch the pottery.

We're giving you sex appeal.

It looks like a gay porno star

lives here.

And here they are, right here.

Just stop.

You can't change the place

without my permission.

You don't have the right.

Get this dog out.

Powder's yours.

Mine? I don't want some dog.

What is this?

He used to be a drug sniffer

in the K-9 unit.

He looks like an addict.

- He makes you look sympathetic.

- A kennel won't make him sympathetic.

Want me to be sympathetic?

Put my stuff back.

I'll be sympathetic.

Until then, I won't be.

How can you say no to that face,

Mitch?

I can say no very easily.

No, Powder. Get out.

Don't be like that.

It's just a dog, man.

Come here, Powder.

You're a good boy.

Sh*t!

Maybe Mitch is right.

Get rid of the dog.

I don't know.

I like his instincts.

Watch your ass, Powder.

Okay. Move it.

Dispatch, this is Armor 323--

Go! Go!

Go.

This is Showtime One.

We're on it.

Okay.

Annie, get the dish up.

Julio, go!

That's definitely our gun.

Watch it!

Hey! Hey!

- Let's go!

- Move it!

Damn! We lost picture!

Slow down!

There he is!

I got him!

- Incoming!

- Watch it!

- You getting this?

- Yeah!

Jump!

Jump! Jump!

You gotta jump! Now!

- Come on, Mitch!

- Do it!

Now that was some good hood-jumping!

You all right?

You okay?

I think two drops of pee came out.

You're off the show, Sellars.

You're busted to patrol.

Showtime is over.

And we're screwed.

See you back on the tape, Top Cop.

Being a police officer is not

what you see on TV!

I've never seen you do

anything like this!

Your showboating

put this city at risk.

I expect that of Trey, not you.

It just escalated.

Mitch, it's over. It's over.

Chief is pulling the plug on the show.

- Good. Now I can get back to work.

- No, you can't. You're off the case.

- What?

- PR is having a heart attack.

This is worse than

when you shot the camera.

If Vargas gets more guns,

we'll be even worse off.

You blew it. I'm relieving you of

duty, pending an investigation.

What, do you want me to turn in

my gun and my badge? Ben, come on.

I just want you to go home

till this shitstorm settles.

What am I supposed to do at home?

I don't know. Read a book.

Watch some TV.

Do your pottery projects.

What?

What?

He's touching the pecker-cam.

There's a lens in those eyes.

My woodpecker?

- Don't break it.

- I said no cameras.

I hope you got all of this.

You hear me?

I hope you got it all.

He broke it.

I'll get you another one.

Talk to him. He's got issues.

He hates cameras.

- We're here to take the dog.

- The dog stays.

We have orders.

He's a police officer.

Touch him and I'll shoot you.

Go, go, go.

Good boy, Powder. Good boy.

Nobody will take you away.

Trey, forget Showtime.

We'll do our own buddy cop show.

I got a treatment worked out

in my head. Check it.

You're Nick Load, and I'm John Lock.

- Nick who?

- Nick Load.

You're Nick Load. I'm John Lock.

Together, we're Lock and Load.

We are the baddest bicycle cops

on Venice Beach.

Is that hot sh*t, or what?

Listen, George Clooney

had 18 shows fail...

...before he hit big with ER.

So you see?

I don't wanna be the guy

putting up the caution tape.

I was feeling this detective thing.

Listen, you have heat

on your acting career right now.

If you don't strike while the iron

is hot, it'll pass you by.

Whatever. I'm gonna go see

this last episode of Showtime.

You had your food. None for you.

You're off the show, Sellars.

You're busted to patrol.

- What happens to Mitch?

- He's relieved of duty.

Mitch is my partner.

He's the only person I can depend on.

Not my family, not my friends.

Just him.

That's beautiful, Sellars.

What do you want me to do?

- lf he's relieved, I should be.

- lf you want it, you're relieved too.

Okay.

- I'm relieved, then.

- Okay.

- Want my gun and badge?

- Get out of here.

All right.

- Who is this?

- It's me, Mitch.

What do you want?

- Are you watching the show?

- No, I'm not. It's ancient history.

- New day, new way.

- Me too. I'm eating a TV dinner.

- So, what's up?

- I just, you know...

I wanted to tell you that...

...what you did was a pretty

standup thing and...

...if you take that detective exam,

I'm there for you.

Whatever questions, I'll be around.

- I'd make a great detective?

- You'd make an okay detective.

- Let me get that on my machine.

- I'm hanging up.

No. Quick question.

Could you make me a pair of those

shitty-ass mugs that you make?

- You gotta be kidding.

- Relax. I'm just joking, man.

No, something on the show.

- So you are watching the show.

- Yeah.

- Me too. What did you see?

- Charlie Hertz, works for ballistics.

- That guy outside Lazy Boy's.

- Yeah, but I gotta see it again.

Don't worry, I'm recording it.

I record them all.

- Why am I not surprised?

- Let me rewind this thing.

- It is Charlie Hertz.

- It is?

- It's definitely him.

- What's he doing with Vargas?

Where are the lights?

We definitely found our gunmaker.

This is definitely his workshop.

Look at all this sh*t.

What happened to the days

when people just grew pot?

How about we star-69 his last call?

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