Shrek

Once upon a time there was a lovely

princess. But she had an enchantment

upon her of a fearful sort which could

only be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded

by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

Many brave knights had attempted to

free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed. She waited in the

dragon's keep in the highest room of

the tallest tower for her true love

and true love's first kiss. (laughs)

Like that's ever gonna happen. What

a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his

day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go

after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1

Think it's in there?

MAN2

All right. Let's get it!

MAN1

Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that

thing can do to you?

MAN3

Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's

bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK:

Yes, well, actually, that would be a

giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly

peeled skin.

MEN:

No!

SHREK:

They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the

jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's

quite good on toast.

MAN1

Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The

men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long

and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the

men are in the dark.

SHREK:

This is the part where you run away.

(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)

And stay out! (looks down and picks

up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.

Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and

throws the paper over his shoulder.)

THE NEXT DAY:

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard

sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures

to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line

are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto

who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three

little pigs.

GUARD:

All right. This one's full. Take it

away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

HEAD GUARD:

Next!

GUARD:

(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!

Your flying days are over. (breaks the

broom in half)

HEAD GUARD:

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.

Next!

GUARD:

Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD:

Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR:

(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY:

Please, don't turn me in. I'll never

be stubborn again. I can change. Please!

Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN:

Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY:

Oh!

HEAD GUARD:

Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO:

This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO:

I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his

nose grows)

HEAD GUARD:

Five shillings for the possessed toy.

Take it away.

PINOCCHIO:

Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up

to the table.

HEAD GUARD:

Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN:

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD:

Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,

if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN:

Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD:

Well?

OLD WOMAN:

Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.

Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD:

That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN:

No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends

to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to

talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing

you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD:

Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN:

No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

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