Shrek
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK:
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN:
No!
SHREK:
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
SHREK:
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY:
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.
GUARD:
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD:
Next!
GUARD:
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
HEAD GUARD:
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!
GUARD:
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD:
Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR:
(crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY:
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN:
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY:
Oh!
HEAD GUARD:
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO:
PINOCCHIO:
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)
HEAD GUARD:
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
PINOCCHIO:
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD:
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN:
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD:
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN:
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD:
Well?
OLD WOMAN:
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD:
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN:
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD:
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN:
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
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"Shrek" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/shrek_300>.
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