Shrek Forever After: The Final Chapter Page #2

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She's not the boss of me.

I'm an ogre and I'm not gonna apologize

for acting like one.

Help, please!

Someone, anyone at all, help me!

Please, help!

Please, help!

I'm stuck! Help!

Oh, please, help!

Someone, anyone! Help me!

The pain! I can see

a bright light. A tunnel!

Grandma? Is that you?

Yeah, it's me, Granny.

An ogre! Please, Mr. Ogre,

please don't eat me!

I'm not gonna eat you.

But you are an ogre... Aren't you?

Yeah, well, I... I used to be.

Look, move out or get crushed.

So you're not gonna eat me?

No, thanks. I already had a big bowl

of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.

Wait up! What's your rush?

Where you going?

Nowhere.

What a coincidence!

I was just heading that way myself.

But, seriously,

let me give you a ride. I insist.

Come on. It's the least I can do

after all you've done for me.

I got a hot rat cooking.

All right! Can I interest you

in a mudslide? Slug and tonic?

A liquid libation

to ease that frustration?

- Eyeball-tini?

- Well, maybe just one.

So the centaur says,

"That's not the half I'm talking about. "

I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you.

To live the life of an ogre...

no worries, no responsibilities.

You are free to pillage

and terrorize as you please.

- Free? That's a laugh.

- Oh, yeah?

Sometimes I wish I had just one day

to feel like a real ogre again.

Why didn't you say so?

Magical transactions are my specialty!

Great. Next to mimes,

magicians are my favourite people.

Hold on.

"King for a Month. "

"Knight for a Week. "

Ogre for a day.

Think about it, Shrek.

To be feared and hated.

You'll be, like, "Roar!"

And the villagers will be, like, "Get

away! It's Shrek! I'm so scared of him!"

It would be just like the good old days,

when your swamp was your castle.

- When the world made sense.

- All right, what's the catch?

Catch? No. There's no catch.

No catchings, really.

I mean, there's something.

Small thing. Nothing. A little thing.

All right, I knew it.

So what do you want?

- A day.

- A day.

Rat's done!

To make the magic work, you gotta

give something to get something.

In this case, you gotta

give a day to get a day. That's all.

I can't just pick up

and leave my family.

But that's the best part, Shrek!

It's a magical contract.

No one will even know you're gone.

And by the time this day is up,

you are gonna feel like a changed ogre.

Still, I don't know.

Hey, no problem.

Forget it, no big D. Doesn't matter.

Do you like white meat or dark meat?

So what day would I have to give up?

I don't know, any day.

A day from your past.

A day you had the flu?

A day you lost a pet?

A day some meddling oaf

stuck his nose where it didn't belong

destroying your business

and ruining your life?!

Just for an example.

How about the day I met Donkey?

Now, there's a day

I'd like to take back.

I don't know who that is.

I know. What about a day

you wouldn't even remember?

Like a day when you were a baby.

- An innocent, mindless little baby.

- Take any of those days you want.

- Take them all for all I care.

- Oh, just one will do.

OK, good.

A day from your childhood it is.

I guess there's nothing wrong

with wanting a little time for myself.

Just 24 tiny little hours.

- I'm still my own ogre!

- Yeah, you is!

I never needed to ask

for anyone's permission before.

So why start now?

Go on, Shrek.

Sign it!

Go on, Shrek.

Sign it, Shrek! Sign it!

You signed it.

So, tell me. What happens now?

Have a nice day.

I think I fell on my keys.

There are 40 children in that shoe,

which is why the weasel

goes pop to this very day.

Oh, great.

As we head over the river

and through the woods...

Ogre!

Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre!

This is the part where you run away!

Sure is great to be wanted again.

Nice one.

Fiona?

Oh, no.

My home.

Fiona!

Fiona! Are you in there?!

All right, Rumpel!

This wasn't part of the deal!

Rumpel!

Ogre!

We've got another one, ladies! Get him!

Who are you?!

What are you doing in my swamp?

Looks like a troublemaker!

Spread 'em!

Nice job, ladies!

You witches are making a big mistake!

I know my rights!

You have the right to shut your mouth!

Donkey, stop with the singing, will you?

Donkey!

Donkey, where am I? What's happening?

Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song.

I'm driving,

so I'm in charge of the music.

Will you witches make up your mind?

Donkey? What's going on?

Do you know where Fiona is?

Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me

in trouble and I need this job.

I am not going back to work

for Old MacDonald.

Tell me to E-I-E-I-O.

"E-I-E-I-No!" That's what I said.

Where are my babies?

And where's your wife, Dragon?

Look, I think you have me confused

with some other talking donkey.

I've never seen you before in my life.

Never seen me before?

Come on, Donkey!

And how do you

know my name anyway?

It's me, Shrek. Your best friend?

A donkey and an ogre friends?

That's the most

ridiculous thing I ever heard!

Can you at least tell me

where they're taking me?

To the same place they take

every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin.

- Stiltskin!

- I said quiet!

Oh, no.

It's time to crumble!

Place your bets!

Place your bets! We start tout de suite!

Yeah!

Gingy?

Gingy snap!

There's one!

Disgusting, filthy ogre!

Hideous monster!

Filthy, filthy creature!

Disgusting creature!

Move it!

Don't worry, Donkey.

I'll get us our lives back.

Yeah, right. Put a little mustard

on mine, Captain Crazy!

Mr. Stiltskin?

You got another customer.

- Wolfie!

- Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.

Bring me my business wig.

Mr. Stiltskin, please!

- OK, go.

- Please make me a real boy!

Go away! Terms are

in the details, balsa boy.

Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!

Stiltskin!

Shrek!

There he is!

So close!

Have I been waiting for you!

Ladies, this is the guy

that made all of this possible!

So, tell me, how are you

enjoying your day?

All right, Rumpel, what's going on?

What have you done?

No, Shrek, it's not what I've done.

It's what you've done.

Thanks to you, the King and Queen

signed their kingdom over to me.

They would never do that.

They would if I promised them

all their problems would disappear.

And then they disappeared!

They would have done anything

if they thought it would

end their daughter's curse.

I ended Fiona's curse!

How could you when you never existed?

You better start making sense,

you dirty little man!

Here, let me spell it out for you!

You gave me a day from your past,

a day you couldn't even remember.

A day when you were

an innocent, mindless little baby.

You took the day I was born.

No, Shrek. You gave it to me.

Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin,

because when this day is up...

But you haven't heard the best part.

Since you were never born, once

this day comes to an end, so will you.

Where's Fiona?

Where's my family?

Silly little ogre.

You don't get it, do you?

You see, you were never born.

You never met Fiona.

Your kids don't exist.

How's that for a metaphysical paradox?

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