Shrek Forever After Page #14

Rumpelstiltskin:
Nice.

The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Pied Piper. How was your commute?

Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Good.

Griselda:
(scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby?

She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm.

Griselda:
OK, got it! Make it stop!

Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms.

Rumpelstiltskin:
All right, that’s enough.

With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Looks like it’s time to pay the piper.

The witches still stood where they were.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook!

The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here!

The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre.

Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat.

Cookie:
Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go!

So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them.

Cookie:
Din-din!

The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest.

Ogre #5:
Come on, Donkey. One more time, please?

Donkey:
All right, but this is the last time.

Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs.

Brogan:
Here it comes. Look at him.

He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious.

Donkey:
I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la!

The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically.

Donkey:
(singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

Brogan then spoke to Shrek.

Brogan:
That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him.

Donkey:
(wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la!

Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey.

Shrek:
Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona.

Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils.

Shrek:
I need your help!

Cookie:
Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert?

Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay.

Ogre #3:
Where’d you get these?

Cookie:
Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy.

The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle.

Donkey:
That’s a good one, Cookie!

Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling.

Ogre #3:
Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her.

Gretched:
(takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me.

The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more.

Shrek:
Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her.

Donkey:
You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause.

Brogan:
(raises fist) To the cause!

Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause!

They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating.

Donkey:
All right!

Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself.

In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists.

Shrek:
Hello!

She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was.

Shrek:
(smirks) Nice moves.

Fiona:
(removes her blindfold) What are you doing?

Shrek:
What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op.

He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket.

Shrek:
This one taken?

Fiona:
We use that to clean the toilets.

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