Shrek Forever After Page #13

Cookie:
Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay?

She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him.

Cookie:
Go ahead and finish your little speech.

Fiona:
All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free.

Brogan:
And so will we.

Fiona:
Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace.

The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned.

Donkey:
Man, this is serious!

Shrek:
(slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise?

Donkey:
Actually, I was talking about the revolution.

Shrek:
Revolution?

He only gave a scoff.

Donkey:
Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe.

Shrek:
(sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies.

Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit.

Donkey:
I do?!

Shrek:
You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy.

Donkey:
I’m a daddy?

He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea.

Shrek:
You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once…

He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before.

Shrek:
Then I can do it again.

Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside.

Donkey:
Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons?

Shrek:
Donkey! Hello? Fiona?

He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole.

Puss's Voice:
You should not be here, senior.

Shrek:
Puss?

Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck.

Shrek:
(frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me.

The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes.

Puss:
Feed me, if you dare.

Shrek:
(sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa…

The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word.

Shrek:
Fa…fancy.

Puss:
Do I know you?

Shrek:
Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots?

Puss:
(gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha!

He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl.

Shrek:
But you’re Puss in Boots.

Puss:
(pops lid off bottle) Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown.

Shrek:
That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown.

Puss:
( pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase.

A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it.

Puss:
Eh, I’ll get him later.

He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay.

Shrek:
Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft.

The orange cat went back to his pillow.

Puss:
(yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day.

He laid back in relaxation.

Shrek:
Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona.

At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission.

Fiona:
What are you doing?

Shrek:
(turns around) Hey!

Fiona:
Can I help you with something?

Shrek:
Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension.

He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed.

Fiona:
A gift basket?

Shrek:
You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got.

He then got out each different gift from the basket.

Shrek:
Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle.

He sniffed the candle.

Shrek:
Mmm.

Fiona:
Look, this really isn’t the…

Shrek:
What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one.

He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it.

Shrek:
"Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now.

Fiona:
Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow.

Shrek:
Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings?

Fiona decided to shake his hand.

Shrek:
An apologetic hug?

The two hugged.

Shrek:
And a quick kiss goodbye.

Fiona:
Hey!

She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave.

Shrek:
Wait! Is that mistletoe I see?

He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin.

Donkey:
Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?

Back inside the tent,

Fiona:
Where’d we find that guy?

Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek.

Puss:
Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft?

Fiona then got out a comb and crush.

Fiona:
Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty?

Puss:
(gives cute pose) I am.

Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi.

He carressed her a bit, as she honked.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Honk.

He then turned to the pigs with a scowl.

Rumpelstiltskin:
All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you.

Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp.

Horst:
(whines) This little piggy wants to go home!

When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in.

Griselda:
Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here.

Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side.

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