Shrek the Musical Page #3

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Bachelorette number

two is a cape-wearing girl

from the land of fancy.

She may live with seven other men,

but she's not easy!

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips

and find out what a live wire she is!

- Come on, give it up for Snow White!

- She's in Tupperware.

Bachelorette number

three lives in a dragon-guarded castle,

surrounded by hot boiling lava!

- But don't let that cool you off.

She likes pia coladas

and getting caught in the rain.

Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

So will it be

bachelorette number one...

- I don't know!

- ... bachelorette number two,

- or bachelorette number three?

- They're all so nice. I don't know.

Boys, what do you say?

One, two, three, one, three, one?

One, three, two, three...

There's no four. All right, all right.

Bachelorette number three!

Hm?

Lord Farquaad,

you've chosen Princess Fiona!

Princess Fiona. She's perfect.

Except for that dragon and lava thing.

I'll have to find someone else to go.

You know, I should probably mention

this little thing about the princess

- that happens at night.

- I will make Fiona my queen,

and Duloc will finally

have the perfect king!

- Yes, but after sunset...

- Silence, silence.

Captain, round up your men,

summon the citizens!

Thelonius, tell the royal coiffeur

I'll need my hair pressed!

We're going to get a queen!

But-But... But you didn't even look

at my special features!

Check this out. I've got extras!

Fiona's Portrait Gallery,

The Story of the Curse, Deleted Scenes.

Wanna know more?

Just click on "Backstory"

and you'll get to see the princess

when she was seven years old.

Seven years old,

seven years old...

Settle in, girls, it's story time.

"There's a princess in a tower"

Oh, my gosh, that's just like me

"Poor Rapunzel, needs a haircut

But the witch won't set her free

She passes time by singing"

Like someone else I know

"As years go by she sits and waits"

As years go by? Uh-oh

"A torturous existence"

I don't remember this pan'

"She wishes she were dead"

Skip ahead, skip ahead

"But in the end Rapunzel

finds a millionaire

The prince is good at climbing

And braiding golden hair"

So I know he'll appear

'Cause there are rules

and there are strictures

I believe the storybooks I read

by candlelight

My white knight and his steed

Will look just like these pictures

It won't be long now, I guarantee

Day number 23

I know it's today

Here's a good one,

it's a classic.

"There's a princess in a coma"

Glad it's her instead of me

"Pretty maiden in a glass box"

How, I wonder, does she pee?

Blah, blah, blah, "poison apple"

Boring, boring "evil queen"

Filler, filler, been there, read that!

Seven shorties on the scene

Skip ahead, skip ahead

"But in the end the princess

wakes up with a start

The prince is good at kissing

And melting Snow White's heart"

So I know he'll appear

And his armor will be blinding

As shining as his perfect teeth

and manly hose

He'll propose on one knee

And our pre-nup will be binding

About time we set a wedding date

Day number 958

I know it's today

He'll show up today

There's a princess

Any princess

Take your pick,

they're all like me

Not exactly, I'm still waiting

They're out living happily

"Ever after" better get here

I want love in seconds flat

No one needs these middle bits

Whoops, did I do that?

Cut the villains, cut the vamping

Cut this fairy tale

Cut the peril and the pitfalls

Cut the puppet and the whale

Cut the monsters, cut the curses

Keep the intro, cut the verses

And the waiting, the waiting

the waiting, the waiting

The waiting!

But I know he'll appear

Though I seem a bit bipolar

And I'm a vandal now as well

Hope he won't mind

I'm a find, I'm a catch

And a very gifted bowler

It won't be long now, I guarantee

Day number...

Are you there, God?

It's me Fiona

Now I know he'll appear

'Cause there are rules

and there are strictures

I believe the storybooks I read

By candlelight

My white knight

My knight and his steed

Will look just like these pictures

It won't be long now, I guarantee

- Day number 23...

- Day number 958...

Day number 8,400

And 23

- I know it's today

- I know...

- I know it's today

- It's today

- I know it's today

- I know it's today

I know it's today

OK, OK, OK.

The rules are very simple.

Whoever spots a horse and cart

along the road...

- Punch buggy!

- Ow!

Fun, right?

No! What kind of

insane game is that?

- Haven't you ever been on a road trip?

- No.

Man, you need to get out more,

because... Punch buggy!

Ow!

I got you. I got you with that wagon

full of hay over there.

Donkey, if you do

that one more time...

See, that's another reason

why you need me around.

Who else is gonna fill you in

on all the fun stuff you missed out on?

You may not know it,

but you are one lucky ogre...

- Punch buggy!

- Ow!

- Mutton cart at three o'clock.

- Mother Hubbard, that hurt!

You know, you're right, that was

pretty fun. Shall we play again?

No, that's OK, you win.

Maybe we should move on to I Spy,

or I Went on a Picnic,

or something that's not gonna put me

in a body cast.

Donkey, look!

- Lord Farquaad's castle.

- Didn't I tell you I'd find it?

It's a bit much, isn't it?

Do you think he might be

compensating for something?

Oh, forget it.

Welcome to the Celebrate Duloc Festival!

The show's about to begin!

- Hey! Hey, you!

- Ogre!

Now, look, I'm not gonna eat you!

I just want to ask...

Ooh...

Oh, my God!

Why? Why?

This place is weird.

Let's just find this Farquaad guy

and get out of here.

I wanna stop by the gift shop

and get a T-shirt.

We're not stopping for T-shirts!

Welcome to Duloc

Such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

Duloc is a perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

Duloc is, Duloc is

Duloc is a perfect place

And here's the man who made it happen!

That towering colossus of moxie!

Lord Farquaad!

Oh, it's you!

What a terrific surprise.

Once upon a time

this place was infested

Freaks on every corner

I had them all arrested

Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no

If you had a quirk

you didn't pass inspection

We all have our standards

But I will have perfection

And so

And so

Things are looking

up here in Duloc

Just take a look

The things

I'm cooking up here in Duloc

He likes to cook

A model that amazes

A plan with seven phases

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum

Things are looking

up here in Duloc

- They're looking up

- In Duloc!

The ladies all look swell

The men are so dashing

Thanks to my new dress code

The fashion's never clashing

Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no

- This castle I had built

- Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad

- Is taller than the cliff tops

- Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad

- A city like a postcard

- Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad

A monorail and gift shops

- And so

- And so

And so

No one from the gutter in Duloc

He's takin' aim

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