Shrek the Musical Page #7

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Cushy?! Are you kidding?

I had nothing in that tower

Fighting boredom by the hour

Princess Lonely, walking circles

I had only bare essentials

Army cot, a hot plate

and a chamber pot

And every morning I would boil it

No choice, I had no toilet

Just a view of devastation

out one window

Isolation in my bedroom

And very little head room

Twenty years I sat and waited

I'm very dedicated

On the walls the days were added

Luckily those walls were padded

So I think I got you beat

I think I got you beat

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I think I got you beat

I think I got you beat

Oh, you think so?

That was a sad story, but...

I've heard better, I'm just sayin'

"A" for effort

Thanks for playing

Sad to see a princess suffer

But I had it rougher

Like that time a mob with torches

burned my britches

See the scorches?

You're just whiny

I had a flaming hiney

As I fled I had to wonder

If I were torn asunder

Would an ogre go to heaven?

Did I mention I was seven?

So I think I got you beat

I think I got you beat

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I think I got you beat

I think I got you beat

No warm regards

No Christmas cards

- And every day

- Was Hell on Earth Day

OK, top this.

I missed my prom

My dad and mom sent me away

It was my birthday

- I was sent away on Christmas Eve

- Oh...

Ha-ha!

- Bare essentials, army cot

- No warm regards

A hot plate and a chamber pot

- And every morning I would boil it

- No Christmas cards

No choice, I had no toilet

- Just a view of devastation

- And every day

- Out one window, isolation

- Was Hell on Earth Day

In my bedroom

And very little head room

- Twenty years I sat and waited

- "I missed my prom"

- My dad and mom

- I'm very dedicated

- Sent me away

- On the walls the days were added

- Luckily those walls were padded

- It was my birthday

- Twenty years

- "I missed my prom"

- My dad and mom sent me away

- My dad and mom sent me away

- So...

- So...

- I think I got you beat

- I think I got you beat

- Yeah, yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah, yeah

- I think I got you beat

- I think I got you beat

- Yeah, yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah, yeah

- I think I got you beat

- I think I got you beat

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Whoopsie.

Well, better out than in,

I always say.

- Na-na-na-na-na-na

- Na-na-na-na-na-na

- Yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah

- Yeah, yeah

Oh!

That's stinky.

We've just gotten word, My Liege.

Princess Fiona has been rescued.

She's on her way.

On her way!

She's on her way,

and so am I!

My fairy tale princess.

I always said I'd be king,

and now look!

The last adorable piece

to my master plan!

Oh!

Thank you, Thelonius.

Mm. Pia colada!

Just think, soon they'll be

writing books about me

instead of those

disgusting little freaks!

Ooh! That reminds me. Oh, Mirror?

Yes, My Liege?

How are

the wedding preparations coming?

All in order, My Lord. We've

booked the cathedral and the band.

OK.

- Yah!

- Wow.

Um, although I did wonder if you wanted

to maybe invite your father?

- My what?

- Your father, My Liege?

You mean that horrible little man who

tried to keep me down my whole life?

That mal-tempered monster?

That vile grunt who abandoned me

in the woods as a child?

Well, he did have his reasons.

Mirror, please.

My father simply couldn't accept

that I wanted nothing to do

with the family business.

That lowly, dirty family business.

My daddy was a miner

So he wasn't much around

Foraging for diamonds

A life spent underground

Daddy didn't talk much

He barely said hello

He simply muttered "Hi-ho"

And off to work he'd go

Daddy was grumpy

Me and my old man

A tale as old as din'

A bitter, distant father

in a tiny undershirt

Daddy up and left me

Left me good as dead

Now he lives in squalor

Sleeping seven to a bed

You abandoned me

in those woods, Daddy!

Well, I crawled out, and up!

If you could only see me

now, Daddy!

I'd invite you to the wedding,

but you have to be this tall to get in!

My bride to be is gorgeous

Her wedding dress, designer

The guest list will be major

Without a minor miner

La, la, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

Packs of royal

lackeys playing violin

- Strings of royal underlings

- Who will not let you in

A-ha, a-ha, a-ha

- Tricked-out carriage

- Tricked-out carriage

- Twenty stallions

- Twenty stallions

- With a coachman named Raoul

- With a coachman named Raoul

- Big reception with a boy band

- Big reception with a boy band

And a royal DJ

By the pool

Yes, I can see my future

And so it shall be done

It's total domination

With some torture just for fun

'Cause I will have my wedding

and! will have a queen

Once I get that crown on

you will get the guillotine

And I'll punish you, Daddy

'cause I'm all grown up

And bigger than you'll ever know

You're gonna pay, Daddy

It's any day, Daddy

I'm off to work

Hi-ho

Hey, hey!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, God.

Yoo-hoo! We're here.

- What?

- Oh... Would you look at that?

- What is it?

It's...

It's Duloc.

Oh, Duloc. I didn't realize

we were so close.

No, me either.

Congratulations, Princess.

Your future awaits.

Yes, it does.

Oh, well, so much for that batch

of s'nothers I was gonna make us.

S'nothers?

They're traditional ogre campfire

snacks. A little bit like s'mores,

but instead of

marshmallow and chocolate,

we use squirrel gizzards and mulch.

They just melt in your mouth!

- I need to sit down for a minute.

- No, no sitting down.

- We need to get the princess to Duloc.

- No, wait, Shrek, I... Um...

Well, look, I may not get another chance

to try one of those s'nothers.

You eat one, you may not

get a chance to do anything!

- Zip it, Donkey.

- I was just thinking that maybe

Duloc could wait

until morning?

- Morning?

- Why not?

I've spent my whole life without

true love. What's one more night?

- All right, I'll find us some dinner.

- I'll get the firewood.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, my gosh, I'm so...

- Did you wanna...

- I should have...

- I didn't...

- Oh, boy.

There's something

going on around here

I've been watching

and the signals are clear

A nervous laugh

when she brushes his skin

The sweaty palms

The big dopey grin

Hm, hm, hm

With a giggle and

a flip of her hair

I smell the pheromones in the air

Making goo-goo eyes over their food

They need my help here

in setting the mood

Oh, you don't believe

love is blind?

Well, I got some friends

who think otherwise

- And here they are

Direct from my imagination

- Three blind mice

- Watch your step, girls

Three blind mice

See how they run

You gotta turn up the heat

You gotta butter the pan

You got to make a move

and don't be afraid

Reach for her hand

Maybe give her a kiss

- She's waiting for a move to be made

- Waiting for a move to be made

- You got to

- Got to

- Got to

- Got to

- Got to

- Got to, yeah

- You gotta make a move

- You gotta make a move

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