Shrooms

Someone's got it bad.

No, l don't.

lt was just a summer thing.

So why are you travelling

lt's not to see him.

l'm here just like

the rest of you, you know,

see Ireland, do shrooms.

Tara, l've known you

all my life and l've never

even seen you take an aspirin.

People change.

When your dad hears

you've changed this much,

he's gonna ground you

until you marry a

nice Catholic boy.

Yeah, well, maybe he can't

tell me what to do here.

You know, l've never

done shrooms before.

lt's not gonna f*** me up?

You can't f*** up

what's already f***ed.

Seriously, dude?

No, nobody's ever died

from taking shrooms before.

l mean, they're all natural.

Besides, just imagine

what steroids

have done to you.

Be nice.

Bet she doesn't even trim.

Lisa.

Shoot.

The element of surprise.

Where's martial arts training

there, Bruce Lee?

A momentary distraction

caused by sinful thoughts.

Mm-hm.

Mm.

l know what distraction.

Well, l got my ''hi-ya.''

Well, l got mine.

Death.

And coma. Pah!

Any sign of that vagabond

boyfriend of yours?

He's not my boyfriend.

Yet.

Are you sure you don't

mind us tagging along?

No. Jake and Troy

have been planning this forever.

So where is he, then?

Maybe his horse and cart

broke down.

Troy, you were in college too.

How many classes

do you remember him

being on time for?

One. That's chemistry.

Dude, you need your ride pimped.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, what's up, brother?

Man, you made it.

It's good to see you.

lt's good to see you, dude.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi, Lisa.

Hey, honey.

So cad mle filte,

you Yankee junkie motherfuckers.

MAN:

The worst of the bad weather

has now passed.

So the story is

l promised you gringos

the trip of a lifetime.

A shroom trip has to be outdoors,

at one with nature, the right

environment with the right people.

Then the trip's real smooth.

No one has the same trip.

You know, some people

get spooked, some freak out.

So don't fight it.

You have to get into the trip

to get out of it.

So this is a ''f*** it''?

Yeah.

Well, in America

we have bongs.

Maybe so.

Do you have something

that's called a ''f*** it''?

What the f*** are you talking about?

l don't know, but, hey, f*** it.

Anyway, for our chosen mushrooms,

we'll be concentrating

on the liberty cap,

a.k.a. the magic mushroom,

which has been known

to give boundless energy,

visual hallucinations,

uncontrollable laughter

and profound wisdom.

Look at this.

We got Carlos Castaneda

sitting in the front seat.

Who?

How can you tell

they're the right ones?

Yeah.

They can be identified

by the little nipples on the caps.

And nothing that looks like

a dick with balls, Bluto.

Wait. So how do we take them?

We brew the shrooms into a tea.

l don't drink tea.

This really looks like a wiener.

When in Rome...

Are you sure this is a good time

to go looking for mushrooms?

No better. We'll have

the whole park to ourselves.

Sure looks quiet out there.

Welcome to Ireland.

Do you guys have dogging

in America?

What's that?

Finally we get something

before you do.

What?

We've got

a notorious dogging scene up here.

Okay, what is it?

Well, couples go to remote country

areas and make out in their car

and people come and watch them.

And the couple

flashes the light

in the car three times.

That's the signal for the dogger

to come and join in.

He drops trou,

out comes the doodah.

They wind down the window,

he slips it in.

The girl gives him

a happy ending.

Cool.

That's vile.

We went

to convent school, remember?

l'm there.

l'm ioshing.

F***!

Yeah, f***.

That's blood.

Come on, let's get out.

Tara, it wasn't your fault.

Jesus.

Oh, my gosh.

No, l can't see any dents.

Did you see it?

Did you see it get out?

Wait. Shh.

What is it?

What is it?

It's a f***ing goat.

Be careful.

Oh, my God.

lt's still alive.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, the poor thing.

Maybe we should take it to a vet

and have it humanely destroyed.

F***!

What the f*** are you doing?

That humane enough for you?

You are evil.

How would you like

that done to you?

You guys, at least

it's out of its misery.

What do they want?

That's their dinner.

Oh, my God.

What is this,

The IsIand of Dr. Moreau?

l think that's what we call

the indigenous people.

Cracker motherfuckers!

Shut up.

Shut the f*** up.

Jesus.

What?

Right, then, first things first.

Rule number one, no mobile phones.

Wait.

What?

Guys, we're about to trip.

On trips, you hallucinate.

When you hallucinate,

you call mum

Or you end up calling the police

or the ambulance, you know?

Look, in terms

of unnecessary embarrassment,

you don't want access to a phone.

Besides, it upsets nature.

Right.

Thank you.

l'm lost without my cell.

That's why we're here, mate.

Man, that's like

handing over my freedom.

You can be sheriff, then.

Good man.

Sh*t.

No tampons.

Wrong.

Thanks, Mom.

Don't worry,

l didn't forget about you. Candy.

The way of the tiger

perfects the sixth sense.

l will strike every item

before it hits the ground.

Okay, l wasn't ready.

So, Holly, you and Troy?

What?

Don't you get freaked out

by all that tiger stuff?

No. No, it's different.

lt's part of his martial art.

Yeah. l need more.

Yee-ha. Mm.

Yeah, well

other thincode(01f5)s work

like that too.

Hey, nice girls need

to get laid too.

That's all l'm saying.

How does that feel?

Nice and tight.

And speaking of tight.

All right already with the guidebook.

Bluto, stop.

Jesus, Lisa.

Not here.

We're here to live life,

not to read about it.

When my mom left,

l was terrified

my dad was gonna send me

to a place like that.

l don't know.

These guys seem like a lot of fun.

He's ignoring me.

Tara.

l shouldn't have come.

You are here with Bluto,

Troy is here with Holly.

This is embarrassing.

We iust got here. Just chill out.

For once in your life, let go.

Just take some shrooms

and have fun.

Then we'll see

what happens with Jake.

You think?

l know.

Okay, l'm in.

Good. Here.

You find them in little clusters.

They can be identified

by the little nipples on their caps.

How do you know

so much about this stuff?

When l was first sent

to boarding school in England,

l used to get the sh*t kicked out of me

most nights.

But this kind of stuff, they think

you're cool and you get left alone.

F***. They must be in season.

Are they dangerous?

Yeah, like nuclear dangerous.

these are the dreaded

death's head fungi.

They only grow once

every several seasons.

But they look just like

the other ones.

Yeah, they're not.

So, what if we ate them?

Basically, your heart

explodes, along with

your lungs and kidneys.

What are the properties?

lf you live?

Yeah, if you live.

Well, according

to the ancient Irish Druids,

they believed it was like

a portal to another dimension.

They gave the ability

to commune with the dead,

uncontrollable ferocity,

shape-shifting,

and last but not least, foresight.

The gift of premonition.

Let's go.

We'd better warn the others.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes