Shut Up and Kiss Me

1

Have you ever used a video

dating service before, hon?

No.

Just be natural.

Talk about yourself,

what you like

because don't worry about it.

Guy-Five-- I am the best all-male

dating service around

because I'm gonna hook you up.

We're gonna do

a little video of you

and your five

hot friends here, okay?

Because they say that we are

a sum of our five closest friends.

Is that perfect?

Perfect.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

0kay--

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on.

Hold on for a second.

Oh, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

You've got a cowlick, hon.

I've gotta fix that.

No, that's h0w--

Ow. That's how

I wear my hair

Ooh, God,

it's so much gel.

It's all good.

It's fine now.

Oh, ooh, nice, sweetheart.

Ooh, God, nice body.

One of the perks of my job,

get to touch all the boys.

Yummy.

Okay, you ready?

And, action.

Hi, my name is Ben.

No, no, no, n0, n0,

let's try to be

a little more natural, honey,

not like you got a coat hanger

stuck in your mouth.

Okay.

Now?

Yes.

Okay.

Um, hi, my name is Ben.

And...

And I'm looking to go

on a date.

Okay, why don't you tell

the Guy-5 viewers

a little about yourself?

Your stats, like your height,

weight, you know.

I'm 5'9",

and I weigh 190 pounds.

I have brown hair

and Blue eyes.

I'm seven inches circumcised.

Cut.

Oh, I'm seven inches cut.

No, cut the tape.

[whispers]

Cut the tape.

We don't tell penis size.

Oh, you said tell statistics,

so--

N0, no, honey,

penis size

is a very personal thing

that should be explored

one on one. Okay?

Okay, gotcha.

Okay, yeah.

One on one.

Now let's settle

Ah, let's breathe

into the taint,

out the balls.

Okay, let's relax and smile.

Go.

Should I do it from

the beginning 0rjust--

Just continue, honey,

because I'm gonna have to cut

the sh*t out of this laten

Um...

I'm an Aries.

I don't know

what that means,

butl like Thai food,

comic books,

and I'm originally

from New Jersey,

the good part, of course,

and I own a fitness company

with my best friend Vinnie.

Vinnie's straight,

but he's the closest thing

to a brother thatl have.

We have so much in common,

actually.

We're both from back east.

Brooklyn all day, baby.

We both like action films.

He likes car chases.

I like Jason Statham.

Uh, we both like chick flicks

and Lisa Loeb.

What the f***?

No, no we don't.

Whoa. Would you--

you cut with the F-bombs, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you should be sorry.

All rig ht, now, let's go.

Come on, Ben.

This is my best friend,

Vinnie,

and we own

a business togethen

What's poppin'?

Ben's a good QUY,

so go on a date with him.

Okay, these are my friends

James and Sara.

[whispering]

James and Sara.

0h--

You guys should pick Ben.

He'll be like this

all night long.

Oh, and he's huge.

Too bad he's a bottom.

[mouthing]

Thank you, James and Sara.

[mutters]

It's not true.

[chuckles]

And this is Callie

and Brad.

They just got married.

Yay, married.

And they want to say

a few nice words on my behalf.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, everyone.

Ben is such a doll.

I love you, Ben.

Thank you.

You're my gay boyfriend.

[whispers]

Thanks.

Thanks.

Ben's a commitment-phobe.

Cut, cut, okay.

Whoa... hello?

You guys are trying

to make him look like a catch,

so let's not talk

about his commitment phobia,

his obvious lack of personality,

or the fact

that he uses steroids, okay?

And F-Y-I, sweetheart,

tops are much more in demand.

I don't do steroids,

and I'm not a bottom.

[laughing]

I'm sure you don't, dear,

and I'm sure you aren't.

And you need to stop telling

people

I'm a commitment-phobe

when it's not true.

But, it is true.

It's not true.

Yes, it is.

Callie, tell them

its not true.

Ha!

Dude, let's be honest, Ben.

You can't even commit

to keeping your furniture

in the same spot.

That's ridiculous.

Uh, no, not in the slightest,

actually,

because every time we come

to your apartment,

the furniture's been moved.

You rearranged it.

Yeah, its nice.

This is feng shui.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you rearranged it again.

It's nice.

Yeah, this is

for ergonomic reasons.

Ah.

[clucks tongue]

Are you kidding me?

Now, this is nice.

Yeah, I saw this on HGW

Okay, that probably

wasn't the best example.

Aw, honey.

Okay, these are really cute

tidbits of information,

and I want to put

rusty forks in my eyes,

so why don't wejust,

you kn0w--

I've got deadlines,

and I have to make

six other tapes here,

so we don'twejustskip

your friends,

and you could just tell us

who you are,

where you're from,

and what you like, okay, Ben?

Oh, 0h, butl wanted--

Girl, you are so done. Thank you.

Okay, yeah.

And you, please, just go.

Let's get a step on it.

Whoo!

'Cause I've got a camel toe

and a yeast infection.

I gotta get out of here, 'kay?

Hi, my name is Ben.

I'm 35.

I'm originally

from New Jersey.

I'm single.

I like camping.

I'm more of a dog person,

enjoy comic books.

I'm looking for another guy

like myself,

and if any of sounds

appealing to you,

please respond to my ad.

Thank you.

All rig ht. See, that is something

I can work with.

Thank you.

You have any Monistat around?

[Callie]

What is going on with you?

What ever happened with that video

dating thing you were doing?

No, I cancelled that so fast.

I mean, I guess I met some

interesting guys from there,

but mostly just losers.

Let's see.

Oh, when you left,

rememberl was dating Roy?

Roy?

Yeah, you remember--

my build, the brown hair,

the website designer

Oh, Roy, yeah.

So we're dating

for about a month,

and then he had to go

on this business trip to Thailand,

so the whole time he's there,

he's calling me,

sending me e-mails, postcards,

telling me

how much he misses me.

"Benny, I can't wait

to come back home."

So he comes back

to the States, and then...

I got to tell you...

While I was in Thailand,

I realized thatThai men,

they're so much deeper

and more spiritual

then white men.

So I can't date you anymore.

You can't?

Well, you're white...

and shallow.

Butl really really want us

to be friends.

[Ben]

There was Shane.

Flex your biceps for me?

Can I what?

Flex for me, baby.

[panting]

Seriously?

Yeah, it'll really turn me on.

I-- yeah I guess.

Oh, man...

that's so hot.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

[moaning]

[panting]

Are you f***ing

kidding me?

No, that was so hot.

Ijust shot my load.

You didn't even touch

yourself.

I know, right?

I'm really into muscle worship.

Yeah, that's great for you,

but what about me?

Oh, well...

you can still f*** me.

Um, I d0n'tthinkl have

any lube, though.

Hold on a second.

Ic0uldn't find any lube,

but I found some shampoo

thatl rubbed in my ass.

I think it'll be totally fine.

Um, I don't think so.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, the shampoo

Oh, my god.

Oh, my God.

F***, that burns.

[water running]

[Sighs]

Hello?

[Ben]

Then there was Tom.

We were dating for a few weeks,

and he told me...

I haven't had sex

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