Shut Up and Kiss Me Page #2

since my ex boyfriend

ran out on me

eight months ago.

I'm sorry.

But I'm negative.

Here's my paperwork.

Um, I'm negative, too.

Do you always carry this

around with you?

I don't mean to be forward,

but since we're both negative

and I haven't had sex

in eight months,

could we have sex right now?

Tom, if you haven't had sex

in eight months,

why the hell is there

a used condom on the floor?

That's from eight months ago.

Yeah, eight months.

Did you touch it?

It's dry as a bone.

Go on, touch it.

Hold on to it.

[chuckles]

I'm not gonna play CSI

with your used condom.

You know what?

I betl know what happened.

I bet Butch brought it

in from outside,

didn't you?

Bad dog!

You think your dog

dragged that in?

Wait.

[laughs]

I lied.

I had sex a week ago.

Tom, I was here a week ago.

0kaY---

two days ago.

I was here last night.

Okay, two hours ago.

Can you please forgive me?

Oh, sick.

Wait, what are you

talking about?

Condom?

I don't see any condom.

Good dog, Butchie Wutchie.

Can we have sex now?

Oh my God,

the dog ate the condom?

Oh, that is so f***ing gross.

I know, it's nasty, right?

Wow, those are

some bad dates.

No wonder you quit

the service.

Well, Sara and James

are gonna come over laten

They're going to help me

place this--

I don't kn0w--

Internet ad thing.

Really?

Well that'll be fun.

And, you know, I was thinking.

If that doesn't work out,

I can always set you up

with my hairstylistTodd.

Uh, let me think about that.

Hell no.

Why not?

He's nice, has a good job.

He's a flamer,

and he's a big girl.

Haven't we talked about

your internalized homophobia?

Internalized homophobia.

Log Cabin Republicans.

Listen,

I'm comfortable with it.

Ijust don't wanna sleep

with it.

Just-- You have to tell me

how this whole Internet

dating thing goes.

Well, you know I will.

And, I mean, James uses it

and it seems to work for him,

so...

Okay, Benny,

you know I want

the best for you,

but you also have to remember

thatJames is a slut

that tells everyone he's bi.

Bi, Bisexual,

put that you're a Bi.

Dom alpha male.

Hung big and thick.

Ooh, yeah, thick.

Beer-can thick.

Seven inches.

Ew, eight.

Well, Internet inches.

Likes it rough.

Wants to hit it from the B side.

Bubble butt.

Round and juicy.

Oh, total dom top.

Hey, James,

this is a dating ad.

It's not

some nasty sex thing.

Ew, Sara said it, too.

Guys, I'm placing this ad

for a date,

so I'm not listing beer can,

big and juicy,

thick and bubble

whatever else it was.

Okay, okay,

what about being a Bi?

[Ben]

No.

Oh, God, you're never

going to get laid.

Here, just let me type it

for you.

No, absolutely not.

Hey James, can you type this?

Is this doing it for you?

Whoo.

Whoo. You both really need

some therapy.

Are you straight yet?

You spazzin' out, man.

You placed

a personal ad online?

What's wrong with that?

A lot of people use

the Internet to date.

Yeah, lots of losers.

No, not losers.

People who are just too busy

or can't go to the bars.

Yeah, because they're defective,

i.e. losers. You know what?

Sara and James helped me

place that ad, and you know what?

I'm not defective,

and I'm definitely not a losen

Opinions vary.

And why are you listening

to those two?

It sounds

like s0meone's jealous

because I have friends

and, frankly, you don't.

Yes, I am jealous of that.

Be nice, okay?

Those guys are my friends.

All rig ht.

You know, I'm actually planning

on meeting some of these guys

from my ad this weekend.

Have fun, man.

What? They sounded nice.

On the phone?

Ben, you placed the ad,

like, an hour ago.

No, via e-mail.

This Internet dating,

it's really fast.

Look, there's two requirements

for the broads I meet.

0ne-- they must want

to suck my dick,

and two--

they need to go ass to mouth.

Swallowing is optional.

Wow, that is

a charming checklist.

Hey, d0n'tjudge me.

I get laid.

You jerk off.

'Nuff said.

Hey, are you Ben?

Yeah, are you Joseph?

Yeah, but everyone

calls me Jojo.

Jojo.

You are so cute.

Okay, Jojo?

How old are you?

Twenty-six.

Twenty-two?

Seventeen.

Here's the chicken...

and the steak.

Mm.

Nothing like rare meat.

Nope.

So, you wanna play

head to head?

Excuse me?

On PS3.

What's your user ID?

I don't even know what that is.

Oh, come on.

My mom said

you could come over

after our date

if you wanna play.

Your mom.

Well, yeah.

I mean I live

in the basement.

She's not even

gonna bother us

unless she's doing

my laundry.

Um, in your photo you--

youlooked

a little bit different.

This is the real me, though.

I hope you don't mind.

I'm pre-op,

will have the surgery soon.

Oh, I think

that's great for you.

I do, but that's just not

really my thing.

[laughs]

Oh, thank God.

You're not my type either,

sweetie.

Dessert?

No.

Pre-op.

Post-op.

Hi.

Woof.

What?

Woof.

Woof?

Oh, I know,

who says that, rig ht?

I'm over Internet dating.

You fool me once.

Seriously, can't you go

to a bar

and get laid like

a normal gay?

Oh, a normal gay?

This isn't about sex.

James, you meet

a lot of guys online.

How come this never happens

to you?

Let me set you up.

No.

At least you'd be getting laid

if you IetJames here

set you up.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah,

I'd be getting laid.

No offense, James,

but you've seen his version

ofacceptable men.

It's back hair

and bad breath.

You'll take anything

connected to a cock.

Steam room cruiser,

schlobbing the knob.

[howls]

Listen. A cock is a cock.

I am not marrying these guys.

We're just getting off

togethen

That's it.

I can't do that.

I need some sort of mental

connection.

You are such a girl.

Sara, can youjump in

and help me out here?

Sorry, buddy.

Sex isn't that taboo

with me either

I mean, if they want anal,

it's gotta be love,

but I don't mind jerking

a guy off

and I don't have hang-ups

like you.

I don't have hang-ups.

I don't have hang-ups.

[typing]

Single male.

Bisexual with girlfriend

out of town.

I cannot put that I'm bisexual.

This is ridiculous.

[cell phone rings]

Hello.

[Ca/lie]

I just met the cutest guy for you.

I was at Trader Joe 's.

I'm walking down the aisle--

No.

I didn't finish.

No.

Why not?

Callie, your set ups

are always nightmares.

No, they aren 't.

You're crazy,

and you're way too picky

Oh, really?

How about you remember

when you set me up

with Lupe the choreographer?

He was hot.

Callie, you have this idea

that just because

we're both gay,

we're gonna get along.

And then there was

that other guy,

what was his name,

the agent?

John, he was cute,

and he was built.

Built? Those were man b*obs,

not pecs,

and cute is

for bunny rabbits, not men.

Oh, and what about Massimo?

That dude was straight.

Not from whatl hear.

Oh, that's my call waiting.

I gotta go.

It's my mom.

I/ove you.

I love you, too.

Bye.

[doorbell rings]

Hi.

You look cuter

than your picture.

Excuse me?

From online, dude.

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