Shut Up and Kiss Me Page #3

It's me, H0rsehung78.

Guess what?

I'm not wearing underwean

What the hell

are you talking about?

Oh, don't be shy.

You weren't in the chat room,

M:
"I wanna eatyourass

all day l0ng."

I have not been

in a chat room.

Look, my girlfriend's

waiting for me.

She's expecting me home

in an hour,

and from the looks of it,

you're packing eight inches,

just like you said.

Let me in,

and I'll blow you.

Listen, I think there's been

a mistake.

Is your name Ben?

Yeah.

Then there's "Ben" no mistake.

This is really awkward.

Come on.

What do you want?

You want a hand job?

You want a blow job, rim job?

You can blow me, too.

It's okay.

Oh, look, everybody says

they have a girlfriend.

It's all right.

Now, normallyl work

as a hooker,

but you're such a hottie,

Ijust wanna do you for free.

A hooken

Yeah.

Let's get off.

Listen, I have to go, okay?

No, you listen.

I drove all this way.

Now, let me in, we'll get off,

and then I'll go.

No, I don't think so.

I'm sorry, I have to go.

Just grab my cock, and then

you'll change your mind.

No.

F***!

[Sighs]

James, what the f***?

[James]

What?

You know what.

Oh, come on.

You didn't think he was hot?

No, and that's

not even the point.

I'm not trying to hook up

for random sex.

And what are you doing

going into chat rooms

using my picture?

Um, you should be thanking me,

Its not like I kept him

for myself.

Look, he was the hottest

one in there,

and I did it for you, boo.

I'm a true friend.

Listen, no more surprises

at my doon

Uh-huh. Okay.

No, I'm serious.

No more.

Listen, I'm pissed off.

I'm just gonna go.

Go where?

I'm a busy guy.

I've got stuff to do.

I've gotta water my plants,

and run errands.

Okay, lesbian.

Oh, but hey, do you mind

if I call Horsehung78?

I hate to see a good thing

go to waste.

No, you can have him.

Goodbye.

Bye.

I saw the hottest Cro-Mag

run by my house today.

Oh, yeah?

Did you say anything to him?

No, he just ran by.

I chickened out.

I c0uldn'tjust yell, "Hey."

Why not?

Because you know

that's not my style.

Okay, what the f***

is going on with your neck?

What?

Your neck, dude.

You got a hickey.

What?

Oh, f***ing Amber, dude.

I'm so pissed, she clamped

onto me like a vacuum.

I couldn't get her off.

You couldn't get her off?

She's five foot.

She weighs, what, 85 pounds?

I'm telling you, bro.

She had me in this position.

And then she goes up to me

and she says...

[laughing]

Now everyone will know

that you have a girlfriend.

Oh, a girlfriend?

What are you talkin' about,

a girlfriend?

You are marked now,

and you are mine.

Get the f*** outta here.

[laughing]

[squeals]

[laughing]

You wanna play?

All right, that's it.

That's it.

[la ug hing]

Oh, she's

yourgirlfriend now?

Yeah, I guess so,

but she's f***in' crazy.

Oh, well I think it's sweet

that you've been branded.

All right, enough, enough.

What are you doing tonight?

Callie's gonna come oven

You wanna stop by.

No, I'm watching

a movie with Amber

I'm sorry,

but you're p*ssy whipped.

She's got you

in the cobra clutch.

Listen, bro, ifl can see

one of these chick flicks with her,

and I actually pretend

to like it,

she lets me f*** her

in the ass.

Oh, you are a gentleman,

aren't you?

Yeah, in the ass.

[water whooshes]

[Six Million Dollar Man

sound effect]

You know, you are stalking him

from your own front lawn.

You know that, right?

I know.

You rearranged

your furniture again.

I know.

Okay, you just have to say

hello next time.

I know.

You should move it

back to the way it was.

This looks terrible.

I know.

What is--

are you in another world?

Can I tell you guys

how cute he is?

Did I tell you?

Aw.

He's so cute.

I can't get him

out of my brain.

Jesus, stop being

such a p*ssy

and go say hi to him.

You obviously know exactly

when he runs

by your house every day.

Yeah.

Creepy.

I know.

Oh, M:
Runner man,

come on by.

You guys,

this is not subtle.

He's totally gonna know

this is not a coincidence

if the two of you

are out here.

Oh, you've been lurking

out here for a week,

[clucks tongue]

I think he knows already.

Sara, please take

your popcorn inside.

No.

Listen, Chomps-a-lot,

you are not helping

things any.

Oh, here he comes.

Don't look.

Don't look.

Oh, my gosh,

he's so cute.

Oh, he is really cute.

Don't look.

Don't look.

Say hi to him.

Say hi to him.

Hey, nice ass.

You're hot.

My friend thinks you're cute.

He's single.

Bye.

He waved back.

He waved back.

What is wrong with you?

Ben, he's really cute.

You two suck.

Grow some balls.

He's cute.

Yeah, we're helping you.

We're trying

to play matchmaken

That was definitely

not helping me,

and it was not playing

matchmaker

No, because

ifwe'd have played matchmaker,

you'd be talking

to him and not us.

N ['70s soul]

[phone rings]

Hey.

[Ca/lie]

Hey Lover.

What you doing?

Going for a drink with Foxy.

Wanna come out?

Or are you still sitting

on your lawn stalking--

I mean, watering your plants?

No b*tch,

I'm in for the night.

I'm about to go to bed.

Is that music I hear?

Were you about to jerk off?

No.

II [stops]

Loser, you total/y were.

You probably have

a candle burning.

No, I don't have

a candle burning.

Okay, go drown yourself

in your own cum.

You know what?

Kill yourself.

Okay, I'll call you

tomorrow, stalker.

Night.

I'm gonna call Ben

and f*** with him.

Get off of your lawn.

I'm not even on my lawn.

Yeah, you are.

I can hear the cars

driving back and forth

in the background.

I'm hanging up now.

Lose:

Stalker

Good-bye.

[whispering]

Just say hi.

Just say hi.

Just say hi.

Just say--

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

What the f*** was that?

I am so sorry.

Ithinkl missed the lawn.

You think?

Really?

I am really, really sorry.

Are you now?

I'm sort of sorry.

Hi, I'm Grey.

I'm-- I'm Ben.

So do you spray down everyone

with your hose?

No.

No, I don't know

what that was.

It was, like,

out of control.

You could havejust said hi

any day this week.

What are you talking about?

Well, the other day,

you and your friends.

What?

You, two girls,

bowl of popcorn.

[laughing]

Id0n't-- um... yeah.

You know,

you're cute when you blush?

Now, I'm not blushing.

That's sunburn.

Right, sunburn

from all the days

you've spent

out in your yard stalking me.

Stalking you?

No, no,

I didn't even notice you.

My lawn is dry--

Do you wanna just go out

and get dinner

one of these nights, or what?

Yeah, I would like

that actually.

Um, tonight?

Sure, tonight,

now you're forward.

You know, I had to run

past your house for weeks

just to try to get

your attention.

No.

Yeah.

Nice

So tonight, 6:
OO-ish?

Yeah, 6:
OO-ish.

All right, tonight.

Tonight.

Bye, pup.

Bye.

So do you have

any brothers or sisters?

Two. Two sisters.

Both married, kids, picket

fence, whole nine yards.

You?

I do.

I have one sister

She's 18 months older,

has a little boy

and a little girl.

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