Silent Night

---

Up on the housetop,

reindeer pause

Out jumps

good ol' Santa Claus

Down through the chimney

with lots of toys

All for the little ones'

Christmas joys

Who wouldn't go?

Who wouldn't go?

Up on the housetop,

click, click, click

Down through the chimney

with good Saint Nick

First comes the stocking

of little Nell

Oh, dear Santa,

fill it well

Give her a dolly

that laughs and cries

One that can open

and shut its eyes

Who wouldn't go?

Who wouldn't go?

Up on the housetop,

click, click, click

Down through the chimney

With good Saint Nick

Look in the stocking

of little Will

Oh, just see

what a glorious fill

Here is a hammer

and lots of tacks

Whistle and ball

and a whip that cracks

Who wouldn't go?

Who wouldn't go?

- No!

- Up on the housetop

Click, click, click...

Down through the chimney

with good Saint Nick...

Who wouldn't go?

Who wouldn't go?

Up on the housetop,

click, click, click

Down through the chimney

with good Saint Nick

Down here!

I'm down here!

Hey!

The basement.

Hello. Hey. Hey. I'm down here.

Just let me go, okay?

Please?

'Cause I... I didn't know

she was married.

What are you... what...

what are you doing?

Just look, it's...

it's a f***ing misunderstanding.

I didn't... I'm sorry, okay?

She was begging for it.

What the f*** did you...?

I didn't read that...

'cause you're her husband.

I... f***, I didn't...

okay, just-

how the f*** am I supposed to know

that she was married?

'Cause she wasn't even wearing

a f***ing wedding ring, okay?

I swear to God, I'm never-

I'm never gonna touch her again.

I'm gonna get

the f*** out of here, okay?

Just...

You're... you're not

her husband.

You're-

you're just a sick f***.

Say something!

Hello.

- Up and at 'em, Deputy.

- Sheriff?

I need you at the station

at 1500 hours.

Wait. Why?

Deputy Jordan's got my shift.

Jordan's MIA.

Wait, what?

No one's seen him

since Thursday.

Apparently he's gonzo,

out of here,

got a whiff of something

he couldn't pass up.

Sir, I can't work tonight.

It's Christmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve

for all of us,

the season of giving,

so get off your sorry ass.

Town hall's expecting

a record number of Santas.

It's gonna be

a real clusterfuck.

With all due respect, sir,

today is a really tough day

for me.

It's my first Christmas

without John.

Okay, well, I'll look forward

to seeing you.

A six-sided item, nine letters.

I'm home.

I'm innocent, I swear. I swear.

Police brutality!

Help! Help! Help!

Daddy, I'm sorry I can't be here

tonight, but you understand.

That's okay, darling.

You just write

as many parking tickets as you can

for all those other wannabes

and then look for me

up on that throne.

Oh, well, that would be cheating,

wouldn't it, Mother?

She's straight as an arrow.

- I am proud of you, kiddo.

- Thank you.

There's a gift in the mailbox

for you, Hank.

Give it here.

Hey, Daddy,

what's a six-sided item?

A cube.

Nine letters.

A hexagon.

Close. That's seven.

I'll figure it out eventually.

Anyways, good luck.

I'm not gonna need it.

This is gonna be my year.

Of course it is.

And in the morning,

we will open up Christmas presents

and we will have leftovers and we'll

spend the whole day together, okay?

- You be careful out there, hon.

- Of course.

- You promise?

- Of course, Mother.

And watch out for those drunken Santas

with the wandering hands?

And no letting them off

with just a smile

and a slap on the wrist,

not my girl.

I won't let you down, Dad.

Deck the halls

with boughs of holly

'Tis the season to be jolly

Don we now our gay apparel

Sing the joyous

Yuletide carol

Fa la la la la

la la la la...

- Nice job, Mr. Mayor.

- Pardon me?

- The lights... quite a display.

- Pain in the ass.

But we're entertaining tonight,

and Mrs. Mayor has her standards.

So you're not judging

the Santa contest then?

No, no, no.

It's an election year.

If I choose a Santa, I earn one vote

and lose the other 499.

- Merry Christmas, Tiffany.

- Hey.

Tiffany, please go put on

something more respectable.

Respectable? What would you know

about respectable?

I have important people

coming over tonight.

You might think it's cool

for you and your important people

to route a road

through protected land.

I don't.

This town will die if we don't

put another road in.

It's already dead.

All right, see you

at the Santa parade.

Yeah. You take care.

Up on the housetop,

reindeer pause

Out jumps

good ol' Santa Claus

Down through the chimney

with lots of toys...

What are you doing, honey?

Those are Mommy's heart pills.

- I need those.

- You need to take me to the mall.

But I thought

we'd go to church tonight.

F*** church.

I want my new LV today.

Why don't you wait until tomorrow

and see what Santa brings you?

Do I look like I believe

in Santa Claus?

Go get your purse

and meet me in the car.

Great. Salvation f***ing Army.

Got something for me?

I didn't ask for that.

Reverend Madeley.

Do you remember the old days?

Full house every Christmas Eve,

Easter too.

Nothing's the same anymore,

not even the snow.

Well, we've all lost a lot

this year.

John was important

to the community.

It's always hard

when a loved one leaves you,

no matter what

the circumstances,

but I want you to remember

Jesus loves you, Aubrey.

He's always here for you.

And so am I.

If there's anything

I can do to ease your pain,

anything at all...

I'm going to be late.

You want me

to pour you a coffee?

No, it's okay. I got it.

- What are you reading?

- A survey.

It says that Christmas

makes people crazy.

They think it's the short days.

Or maybe it's "Jingle Bells"

- Where is everyone anyway?

- Sheriff's out,

scouting the parade route

for suspicious packages.

And where is Giles?

Late, as always.

So you hear about Jordan disappearing?

He flew the coop.

Yes, that is why

I'm here today.

I mean, he couldn't have waited

until after Christmas?

Rumor is there's a girl.

They're eloping to Milwaukee.

Okay.

Of course they are.

Can you think of a nine-letter word

for a six-sided item?

For my crossword?

I'll Google it.

What? No. The whole point is

to figure it out yourself.

So why are you asking me?

It is just so nice of you

to show up, Giles.

Don't tell me... I missed a bank heist

and an alien invasion.

If I can manage to put on my makeup,

blow-dry my hair and get here on time...

The truth is,

I had to stop at the store

and get something

for you ladies.

Christmas presents

from you? Really?

Don't rush me. Form a line.

Oh, after you've been kissing

the sheriff's a**hole, you're gonna-

Oh, God.

No, thank you.

Sheriff's Department. Yes.

Ma'am, which Santa Claus?

Ma'am?

I see.

We'll send someone right over.

You know that traveling Santa,

the one in the square?

- Yeah. What's up?

- Well, seems he's been making kids cry.

- What? How?

- Maybe he got a boner.

Kids are squirming

in his lap all day.

It's bound to happen

sooner or later.

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