Silent Night Page #2

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Has anyone ever done

a background check on you, seriously?

I'll just take this one

on my own.

What did I say?

- Hey.

- Hello.

- Hi there.

- How are you?

Fine, thank you.

- Aubrey, Merry Christmas.

- Hi, Merry Christmas.

Hi.

Looks great. Good job.

Happy holidays.

Merry Christmas.

So what's your name, partner?

- It's Timmy.

- Timmy.

Well, to be honest, Timmy,

I don't think you deserve

anything this year.

I'm joking.

You're gonna get everything

on your Christmas list,

but if the presents aren't

under the tree tomorrow,

you know what happened, right?

Well, see, your parents took 'em

and they put 'em on eBay.

That's right.

Never trust your parents.

And that's all I'm gonna say

on the matter,

lest I get in trouble

with the police.

See, they send people

to check on me

to make sure I'm not telling kids

the truth about their parents.

So don't go snitching on me.

Santa'-s little secret, right?

Shake.

All right, superstar.

Now scoot.

Santa sucks.

What can I do for you?

- I'm Deputy Bradimore.

- I'm Santa... Santa Claus.

Do you go by any other names?

Yeah, sure.

At Easter, I'm the Easter Bunny.

On Halloween, I'm Halloweener...

an Irish-Jewish ghost.

Days between, I'm Jim Epstein.

And can I call you Jim Epstein?

Well, you could if you wanted to ruin

the childhoods

of all those cute little brats

waiting in line, looking for reassurance

that they're gonna have lots and lots

of toys under the tree come tomorrow.

Oh, a cynical Santa... cute.

You're good.

I'm gonna have to keep an eye on you.

You're not from around here,

are you?

No, I'm from up north, a small town...

North Pole actually.

And Colorado.

- You move around a lot?

- What the hell is this?

Why the inquisition?

I have a permit.

Can I see it?

Well, it happens to be

in my journal,

because I'm a bit of

a passionate scrapbooker.

Mind if I take a look?

Knock yourself out.

For 10 bucks

you can sit on my lap too.

And we'll talk about

the first thing that pops up.

So what's the big issue?

We've been getting some complaints

about your behavior towards children.

Well, if you're talking about

that whiny little brat back there,

I stand by what I said.

I speak the truth.

So what do you want Santa

to bring you?

A pony? How about

a big f***ing box of reality?

- How about you tone the f*** down?

- Oh, yeah? Or what?

You can't revoke my permit.

It was issued by town hall.

It's conditional upon

your adherence to public decency.

Now I'm scared.

The big cop lady knows

the letter of the law.

So how come

you're not at home tonight,

by the fire with your hubby,

baking cookies?

What did you just say?

Base, patrol one.

Deputy Bradimore, come in.

Patrol one, over.

We got a call

from some carolers

about a bad smell coming from

that abandoned house on Watson.

It's probably a gas leak

or a dead raccoon.

You have to send Giles.

I'm with Santa.

Giles is busy.

Doing what?

Changing his maxi pad?

A missing persons' report for

Alana Roach. Her husband is here.

Something happen to her?

I think she left him

for Deputy Jordan.

- Where did you get that from?

- Gossip.

From who?

Seriously,

I never reveal my sources.

Brought you a newspaper.

Couldn't finish the sudoku.

Mom and Dad missed the flight,

so it's just me.

I guess it kind of sucks

being in here alone

on Christmas Eve?

Hell, you don't even know

what day it is.

Anyway.

I gotta go see Tiffany.

You remember

my groupie Tiffany, right?

I'm boning her

pretty regular now.

You'd better watch out, boy.

Christmas Eve is the scariest

damn night of the year.

Gramps, holy sh*t.

You're awake.

Let me go get someone.

You see Santa Claus tonight, boy,

you'd better run.

Run for your life.

My grandfather... he's awake.

- Mr. McKenzie?

- I swear. He just said something.

Mr. McKenzie,

it's time for your bath.

He's catatonic.

He hasn't said anything in over a year.

Do you want to help?

I'm running kind of late.

It's disgusting.

Jesus.

Patrol one, over.

Base. What's the problem?

It's Deputy Jordan.

He's... he's dead.

Are you sure?

I'm pretty damn sure.

He's wrapped

in exploded Christmas lights.

Oh my God. What do you mean?

Like electrocuted?

Oh, sh*t.

You said Alana Roach was with him,

right? I need to go search the house.

That does not sound

like a good idea.

Wait for backup. Whoever did it could

still be there. I'll send Sheriff.

Sh*t.

Bradimore, Jesus, stand down.

Jesus.

Do you want to go home?

No.

You're shaking.

Shivering. It's cold.

You should have waited

for me to come.

I had to make sure

that she was okay.

Look, I'm gonna say this

for your own good.

You're not equipped to handle

this kind of situation.

I mean, we both know that.

So don't go playing the hero.

That's my job.

Oh, Jesus.

What a bloody mess.

A big fella.

See, I guess that's what happens

when you try to start a new life.

I told him she was bad news.

I mean, f***, she was screwing

half the bloody town.

Where's the husband now?

Oh, waiting for the bars to open

so he can get drunk.

- Should we go talk to him?

- No, Giles already did.

He was at the auto shop all day.

The boss confirms it.

No, he didn't do this.

Well, then who did?

That level of brutality...

it has to be personal, okay?

A stranger just

doesn't make any sense.

Murder seldom does.

All right, see what you can get

off those footprints.

I'm gonna set up our own

command HQ.

You realize

with Calumet Road closed,

that we're just completely

on our own?

"Good. No state troopers, no FBI,

Miami."

This is payback time

for those parking violations

and stray cats up trees.

And I'll tell you another thing:

This sick f*** is gonna wish

he never set foot in my town.

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

Work it, work it.

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

Work it, work it.

Oh, yeah, lean back.

Oh, that's awesome.

You look amazing.

Work it, work it.

Oh, that's it, that's it. Okay.

Oh, that's nice, that's nice.

Oh, baby, you're beautiful.

Stretch your neck out.

Stretch your neck out.

That's it.

Looking like an angel today.

Frank is very very...

feeling it, baby.

- God, Frank.

- That's right.

So your website

can only be seen in Europe?

In Europe and Asia.

Awesome.

Oh, your present's over there,

white envelope.

Girl, you rocked it.

- Merry Christmas.

- Yeah, have a great one, babe.

Later, honey.

Creep.

Maria, baby!

- That's good, the tits.

- You want it off?

- Work the tits. Yeah, perfect.

- Yeah, I'll take it off.

Work the tits. Work the tits.

Work the tits.

Oh, God. Yeah, that's it.

That's it. Oh, man.

You're looking great. That's good.

Tiffany must have

forgotten something.

Or maybe the Snowman's back.

We're running low.

Goldie, get the door.

Okay, okay.

Hey.

What's this?

God, that's amazing.

Look at that. That's unbelievable.

You're looking perfect.

Frank?

Yeah, that's it. What?

Frank, run!

No.

Frank?

Help me. Help me!

No!

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