Simon

October 21, 2002

Either I say "No" or "Ok, sure".

What a line:
"No or ok, sure".

White or beige. But not off-white.

That's just yellow.

We'll discuss it later.

Now where's my parking pass?

That would be handy.

Hey! What are you doing?!

There are little kids around here.

Just lost ten points. Queers

count double. Cool pimpmobile!

Really? Well I think it's got class.

I'm just teasing. You're still with us?

Yes. Yes. You too?

Barely. I have cancer.

That's life. Who's this?

This is Bram. My partner.

In the private sense.

Hello. I'm Bram.

I'm Simon. Camiel's ex-partner.

In business. Don't get any ideas!

Yeah, I've heard about you.

Don't believe everything.

June 3, 1988

Stop squirming, man. It doesn't help.

Simon entered my life with a bang.

The story had begun.

Despite his kindness,

I was bit scared of him.

Anyone who drives like that

has to be crazy.

Cozy?

This guy is nuts.

- You want another appointment?

- Yes.

Me too, Nurse Verlaan. How about it?

I just love straight-up horny blondes.

I'm gay.

Better you than me, buddy.

Every bird has its tune.

Yeah, but you don't talk like a fag.

- How do fags talk?

- Like fags.

You know, with those hands!

- I can't see.

- Oh, just acting faggy.

Simon happened to run a local "coffee

shop". So I bought my weed from him.

Hey, how's it going?

Fine. I hope I can take this off tomorrow.

Spine's straight again.

He tried to score a header

with my car last week.

This is Camiel.

- Camiel's a fag.

- Yeah, so it seems.

It could happen to you, too.

- I do have all the symptoms.

- Does your mother know?

NO HARD DRUGS:

Any we find, we shove up your ass.

- Has that ever happened to anyone?

- You bet.

I hate coke and smack dealers.

Impale 'em on sticks, I say.

I'm against capital punishment. But

a creative life sentence with fish hooks.

It's a pity we lost to Russia.

We'll see 'em in the finals.

We'll beat them hands down.

Did you order extra crates?

Three won't be enough.

I ordered five. Should be enough.

Got your tampon in? And your glass eye?

Or is it still on the nightstand?

Wouldn't want to switch the two!

Whacko.

For Simon, "Whacko" or "Nut-job"

meant "I like you."

But his friend Marco was whacko.

Just before I met him...

a mushroom trip had him convinced

his tattoos were falling off.

So he tried to staple them back on

with a staple gun.

Holland - Ireland Live! It's "Life",

with an "f", right? Or it'd be "Liv"?

No, with a "v". "Live", like "alive".

Smart ass.

Hey, honey, what about the Santa hats?

Santa hats - negative.

You f***ing me? Tried "El Phone Book"?

It's June, genius!

So, I offered to get Santa hats

and tinsel - in June!

The guys had a beach bar in Zandvoort...

and had an Australian

Christmas party every summer.

They'd travel the world in the winter and

picked up the idea somewhere.

They'd been everywhere!

The Yanomani Indians in the Amazon...

carving wood with the Trobrianders...

I spent Christmas in Australia,

so I'm used to this.

Thailand, too, but that's crawling

with Australians!

New Zealand...

This is Camiel.

- Sharon.

- Camiel's a fag.

Oh, nice for you.

And this is Sharon... my girl.

Whatever. Take the dog.

Has the pickled p*ssy looked over yet?

Jesus. That ugly Albino over there.

He runs the place with that

Bogus Brother. Crockett & Tubbs.

Mood degraders, let me tell you.

Simon used "mood degrading"

for negative cases...

Mood degrading...

and "mood upgrading"

for positive ones.

Mood upgrading!

F***ing Krauts! Gimme back my bike!

What d'you want, egghead?

I've just never seen

a butt-ugly Santa before!

Pedophile!

Crockett & Tubbs

were mood degrading.

Tubbs was his real name,

but Crockett was Ronnie.

Two pairs of machos.

Crockett & Tubbs had the hots

for Sharon. But she was Simon's.

I didn't have the hots for her.

Simon called me a "guacamole fag".

F***ing hell, it's hot.

Simon feared Sharon

was sleeping around.

He put her on a pedestal.

Sorry. That was too...

He was one of the first

with a mobile phone.

Back then, only dealers had them.

So did you meet him? Yeah, your Maker.

You were in top form yesterday.

Is that Marco? Tell him I said "hi"...

Camiel says "F*** off".

No idea why...

Yeah, that fag.

That backdoor tourist with

wrong clothes and droopy cheeks.

Gotta hang up, Curly...

Thingy 3 is here.

Hey, Redbeard, give Motor Mouse

the Pluto key chain?

- He still has to give you the blue keys.

- Well then tell him.

Dubious types named Thingy Two

through Five regularly showed up...

on mopeds a half hour

after Simon would get beeped.

They always got some key or another.

It was a fascinating shadow play

linked to the city's supply of soft drugs.

Intense people, the Thai.

I'll take you along.

Relaxing. Hammocks.

Mawing on fresh papaya.

- Have a paddle. Chew nuts

- your kind of thing. Nice, man.

I'm sure it would be fantastic

to join you. But I'm out of money.

Can't even afford a train ticket

to the country.

Don't worry about that, neighbor.

Is that a boy or a girl?

Funny you ask. He wondered

the same about you.

Very funny.

You have my permission to clock him one.

Parrots live to eighty.

Sure to outlive you.

I'm wild about dogs,

but I'd lose it if one died on me.

This neighbor belongs to Sharon,

don't ya boy?

Yuk, Norris! Foul breath, man!

Simon loved animals, was vegetarian

and donated the average wage...

to "Save the Apes"and a cat boat.

He made ten times that...

but claimed unemployment benefits

like the best.

Look, I pump loads into the economy.

I'm a big-time consumer.

Why can't I benefit from the

voodoo economy?

If I wasn't on the dole, they'd

question my income, and I'd be screwed.

You and the economy don't want that.

So clamp it.

We drove down the shoulder, sir.

Did We?

Aren't you in the Village People?

Where are the Indian

and the Leather Boy?

They'll send you a bill

for the ticket I'm writing.

Really?

Not bad for such a sh*t band.

In 1988, Simon was feeling

better than ever.

Holland were champions and he was

King of Amsterdam and the beaches.

The little girl's five and a half now.

Joy's her name. Pure joy.

She stayed on after I broke up

with my Thai lady.

She was expecting

the second:
Nelson.

After that guy in jail in South Africa.

I think it's better if they grow up

as Thai. "Thai" means free.

Chillin' by the palms.

Sun and fresh air.

Little monkeys in the trees. Great, man.

Why did you and

your lady - or wife - split up?

Simon!

Rumble time...

Sh*t... take this.

They often shed the fancy watches

and stormed off...

to fight Crockett & Tubbs.

It was in their make-up.

Studying was out of my make-up.

It was hard enough to retire to

my room with a book on teeth.

I began to believe Simon:

Life was discovered at play.

People just aren't made

for cold climates.

Otherwise we wouldn't need

winter clothes.

Look around...

everyone's sick and faint.

Do Camiel.

He's a walking Quasimodo anyway...

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