Simon Page #2

If you moan, I'm outta here.

You got a real Jew face.

You are Jewish, right? Me, too.

Cohen's my name, after all.

But you could've invented

a Jew-ponim like yours.

But I'm not a practicing Jew.

- What's that?

- He doesn't practice!

What would you practice?

Building a tower?

How can you be proud of

what you didn't control?

There are really nice things

about Judaism.

Personal responsibility.

God isn't on a cloud,

He's your conscience.

Don't talk sh*t, man!

Any organized religion is wrong.

Gimme a break.

Goddamn.

32 sets at 15 kilos.

Goddamn.

- Mind your eye doesn't pop out!

- Watch it.

Know why she has a glass eye?

A Turk once came in her eye

and it got all infected.

- He was Tunisian.

- Turkish, Simon.

- Tunisian!

- He was a Turk.

No, we only say he was a Turk

'cos it sounds cooler. He was Tunisian.

Wanna bet? Five-hundred skins.

You're on. You're so gonna pay.

Hey! Cyclops!

Your eye guy was Tunisian, right?

Yeah, a Tunisian.

In Djerba.

In some Kraut's 4x4.

Pay up, Pops.

Later, ok?

These men took some getting used to.

And the women were even less familiar.

They were more body-minded than gays.

Well, sugar, it'll only get worse.

Next year, zero percent body fat.

But for them,

guys like me were a novelty.

You're a weirdo.

Kick low. She can't take it.

Time's on your side.

I don't wanna win on points.

I wanna kill her!

F*** her up!

Mawash Shar! Aim for the thigh!

Bring that French slut down!

Tell your mama, dumb-ass ho!

Simon was crazy about Sharon...

but he also screwed

half the local hockey team...

At least a posh guy like me

could fit in here easily.

Foul!

- You can take sides, Camiel.

- Button it!

It's a home match!

There must be some reason

why people not like Simon...

People like us, you mean. Go on...

No, you. I haven't figured it out yet.

Simple. Sex.

I mean, you're into men, right?

Well, Simon's obviously a He-man.

Yeah, but that's just it...

I'm not into He-men.

Well I am.

But they're not on a hockey field.

Hey Mary Poppins.

Go see what they're charging

next door for a salad.

Why don't you just let the guy study?

He got into school and

now you tug on his shirt.

Excuse me? This muppet's

been taking my hand-outs.

It's time he earned his keep.

As initiation, I had to play spy

at Crockett & Tubbs.

My heart was beating.

I was stopped five meters

from the menu.

Bugger off, pom-pom girl!

Or this board goes up your anus.

I'll try to be less conspicuous

next time.

Oh, you first tried conspicuous?

Jesus. Here, Camiel. Study.

Hey, look who's here.

Our top forward.

- Hi there, Marjolein.

- Hi, Simon.

Why aren't you calling me?

Diederik and Taco were there, so...

Why aren't you calling me?

I asked you a question:

Why aren't you calling me?

Why? I don't even have your number.

- Oh. You don't have my number.

- No.

Then you can't call me, can you?

What are you laughing at?

You want another screw?

Not really... I'm going to a movie

with a girlfriend. She's on her way.

No, let's have a nice screw.

Us three are going to his place.

I'm waiting for my girlfriend.

They all say that.

Don't lie to Daddy.

No, we're gonna shag. Play hard to get,

but you're wasting your time.

- Come on, Marco.

- "Come on, Marco."

Don't try and change the course

of history, it won't work.

Seen "Back to the Future"?

I can't. It's not fair on Liselot.

She's coming at 8...

On Liselot? We'll call her.

So, I followed them.

They went into Simon's house

and slammed the door.

But it sprung open again,

not that they noticed.

So, I stood outside...

...thinking:
"Should I go in? Or not?"

Camiel! Great to see you, man!

Go get us some falafel!

Yeah, three falafel pitas!

You said he was in maternity.

"Having a baby?" I asked.

- A fraternity, not maternity.

- "A fraternity, not maternity!"

If he was having a baby, he'd go "Lalala"!

- No, they go "La-dee-da"!

- No, that's the homos!

I was addicted to Simon's weird world.

I put up with his political incorrectness

and comments about my gayness.

It's really pissing down, isn't it!

But we'll be in Thailand

next week, you old fairy.

No need to tell the world.

Come on, he's out of the closet.

I wouldn't be.

You look like an ass.

But I guess I can't say that, either.

You're quite a guy, Simon Cohen.

Yeah? So the operation was a success?

Simon often doubled as a stuntman

for Vietnam movies.

So my first few days in Thailand...

were as the honored guest of

a self-styled "Stunt Coordinator".

"The place is teaming with leeches."

"Leeches". I can't get

my tongue round it...

- What does it mean?

- It's crawling with bloodsuckers.

Oh, I didn't know "teaming".

"Leeches", I knew from Kalimantan.

Little buggers. On the Camel Trophy.

They'll dub my leeches anyway.

Okay, neighbor. A-okay?

He's nuts, man.

I was to head for a village

where Simon had a past.

Back then it was

a few lazy huts on the beach.

Simon would follow a few days later.

The rest of the clan

were already there.

- Marco!

- Well look here!

A salt-water fairy.

They're a dying breed.

- He's back:
Georgie Porgie.

- Hey, man.

Hey, woman.

How was the boat trip?

Pukey, I bet.

It was no fun.

What happened to your nose?

Sparring. Thai boxing.

Thailand, you know.

The biggest compliment to a Thai...

...is to slap his head

and kick him in the ass.

Some things

you should avoid in Thailand:

Don't ever touch someone's head.

Never show the sole of your foot.

And never make a fuss to get attention.

- That's a real no-no. It's disrespectful.

- You need to know!

His ex inlaws, I assume?

That's Simon's daughter and son.

And that's no problem,

with Simon's new girlfriend here?

Yeah, they get along fine.

This place and the jetski-rental

thing in the village?

Simon donated them. No problem here.

Are these Dutch or Norwegian shrimp?

It really sucks about your nose.

And you're so concerned about looks.

I'm not concerned with looks.

I'm really into Buddhism.

Was it an upper cut or a straight hit?

Or a triple high-kick

from the outside?

Cheeky, aren't you?

Know your place.

Vamos! Sissy-boy!

I think there's water

in my Eustachian tube.

Come here!

In the name of the law!

- Never make a fuss to get attention?

- That doesn't go for me, smart-ass.

- Did he just say "Neighbor"?

- Simon's work. It's become trendy here.

- Neighbor.

- We're all "neighbor".

But back to Simon.

He's a bit simple-minded?

It irritates me sometimes.

- And you're Einstein!

- You're a weirdo!

Big Dipper. Little Dipper. Orion.

It all looks different here.

We were both as drunk

as a Mekong monkey.

Then she started her

"I can't control myself"act.

And if I don't want to?

You gonna beat me up?

I escaped into the universe.

Big Dipper...

Orion...

Little Dipper...

I could never face Simon again.

I was a worthless friend,

a worthless fag.

I didn't wait for Simon to arrive.

I pretended I had a parasite

and flew back home.

After three weeks

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