Simon Amstell: Do Nothing Page #2

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And I don't want to attack religious people

who may be here this evening.

It feels like a sort of unkind thing to do,

to attack religious people, and it feels...

You know, it feels too easy,

and like the battle's already been won, and...

No, but...

But really, it just feels rude.

Like, if you're at a party and someone says,

you know, you get into a conversation

and someone says,

"I'm a Christian, I'm a Muslim, I'm a Jew,"

it's very rude there to say,

"Oh, how ridiculous!"

I feel, at this point, we have to treat people

with kindness and love and respect,

in the same way you treat a child running

around a party saying, "I'm a helicopter."

Say to them... Say, "Good for you!

We're all having fun! I'm a choo-choo train!"

I'm not an atheist.

Like, I'm a big fan of Jesus Christ.

There's nobody more thin or vulnerable

than Jesus Christ.

And he's bleeding as well.

It's very clever of them.

But I'm not an atheist for this reason.

This is the main reason I'm not an atheist.

I think I'm God a bit, and here's why.

And that's the sort of thing I can say here

but I can't really say at a dinner party,

because people will say, "Well,

why have you got hummus on your chin?"

Because it's sort of seemingly arrogant

and blasphemous.

I don't think it's blasphemous.

Speaking as God, I'm not offended.

But I feel...

He... That actor was in that shop

at the same time as me.

I don't believe in coincidence.

I think coincidence is a word we invented

for something we don't quite understand yet.

On the cover of this book is a blue feather,

because the characterlauthor of this book

believes in the philosophy

"thinking makes it so.

"We create our own reality."

He tests this by visualising a blue feather

in his fingers.

He believes, like Buddhists,

that everything has already been achieved.

Time is an illusion.

So if he feels he has

the blue feather already,

it will come to him

because there's nothing opposing that idea.

Later in the book, the blue feather appears.

I tested this myself with a white feather.

I felt I had the white feather in my fingers.

Not that I needed the white feather

or desired the white feather,

it had already been achieved.

Later, I was at a picnic,

I put my hand in a packet of crisps,

which is something I wouldn't normally do.

I pulled out a crisp with a white feather on.

Which is disgusting.

But there he was in the shop.

And I don't know how you feel.

Maybe you think,

"Well, he walked into that shop

"at the same time as you with his own legs."

No, I put him in that shop with my God-mind.

Now, some people will say, "Well, you know,

if we do create our own reality,

"what about the Holocaust?

What about victims of child abuse?

"Do they create that in their world?"

And the thing you have to understand

about that is...

Shh!

For whatever reason he was in that shop,

I knew I had to approach him,

because this was a moment,

and I couldn't have any more regret.

Um, I also knew I couldn't go up to him

with my personality.

I don't know if you can tell fully,

from the tone of my voice,

this is not a voice that lends itself

to getting sex or relationships.

What you need is a less anxious,

a cooler voice.

Like, I don't know why there's still

so much anxiety in my life.

The other day, a guy approached me,

and I wasn't sure if I'd met him before or not,

and in the panic of the moment,

I just said, "I've got that jumper."

And I didn't.

I went out with someone...

I went out with someone for quite a while

who wasn't that keen on that aspect

of my personality.

And we were in a supermarket together,

and a friend of his, who I hadn't met before,

approached us,

and because I hadn't met this guy before,

I got instantly nervous.

The friend says, "Oh, what are you up to?"

And I say, "Oh, a bit of shopping.

We've got a pineapple."

An hour passes, and then the boyfriend

says to me, "What's wrong with you?

"Why do you always have to...

"Why do you always have to try

to be so funny all the time?"

I said, "Well, it wasn't funny, it was factual."

I said, "There was a pineapple."

He said, "You deliberately chose

the most humorous object in the trolley."

"Well, I'm gifted."

So awkward all the time,

a ridiculous way to be.

But there's this feeling of,

even though I believe that we're all one,

I still feel a constant detachment,

even with people who I'm close to.

Like, my mum and I have got

a good relationship,

but there's a detachment, there's

an inauthenticity to every conversation.

I feel like I should be able

to tell her anything,

but there's a sort of awkwardness to it,

on the phone.

And I think it's because I came

out of her vagina, and that's...

That's sort of always there, you know?

"Oh, have you done

your council tax, Simon?"

"Mum, I came out of your vagina.

"Let's not pretend

that's a normal thing to have happened."

"I came out of your vagina, I sucked

on your tits, you want to talk about tax?"

And my grandma as well,

whom I got on with quite well,

still, an awkwardness,

I think because my mum came out of her,

I came out of my mum,

it's like a Russian-doll awkwardness.

I didn't want to be that person any more.

I didn't want to be that guy

in front of this actor.

In my ideal world, I would have been able

to go up to him, and just say,

"Hey, how are you?

I saw your play the other week. It was great."

"Oh, thank you. Oh, of course.

I remember the nod."

"Why are you crying?"

"I've got too many sinks."

"I don't know why,

but I feel I need to ask you

"if you'd like to go and get some coffee

with me or a juice or something, and...

"And I don't know, maybe if that works out,

we could move to the country together."

"Okay, well, let me just purchase

this effortlessly cool cardigan

"and we can talk to an estate agent."

Here's what actually happened.

Because of my personality.

I saw him there, he hadn't seen me.

He was about a metre away from me.

There, that thin.

And what I thought... For some reason, what

I thought would be really cool and seductive

would be to just stand

in the middle of the shop

and shout his full name.

He turned round, alarmed.

I could see the terror in his eyes,

but because I'd started at a certain volume,

I thought it'd be too odd to get any quieter.

So I'm then just shouting about

the good reviews this play has had

and he's going,

"Oh, I don't really read reviews."

And he's all timid and vulnerable,

which is why I love him.

And I think the difference between us,

because I think we were both

quite shy as children...

I say, "I think" - I did a lot of research on him.

But he retained that shyness,

and it makes him beautiful and sensitive,

and I decided shyness

was something to be overcome,

and I think it's in our training.

He went to a really good

acting school in London

where he was taught to nourish

his sensitivity, to nurture his vulnerability,

and that's what makes him a great actor.

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