Simon Amstell: Do Nothing Page #3

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I went to Saturday-morning stage school

in Essex,

where we were taught that whether we were

singing, dancing or acting, just do it loud.

So I didn't become good

at any of those things.

But when I danced, people heard.

So I'm there, still shouting at him.

And I realise I've got to make some sort

of lasting connection with him.

I ask, it occurs to me to ask,

"You must be very busy at the moment,

but do you have a night off?"

He says, "I have Monday nights off."

"I know a very cool club night

that happens on Mondays."

It's very cool to me,

'cause it's such a contrast

to the Essex nightclub I went to

for three years, in Romford.

Three years, between the ages of 18 and 21.

Three years, every Saturday night,

in Romford.

Three years, every Saturday night,

in Romford.

Three years.

Because nobody told me

that London was close.

And you had to wear black trousers to get in,

black shoes, an un-tucked shirt,

and I don't like it when the dress code

is "basic dick".

I think it's restricting.

One time, I don't know

if I was being rebellious

or if I just thought it would be okay,

I wore black trainers.

I thought that would be all right.

And the bouncer looked at me and said,

"You can't come in like that.

"You look like you've come from a gym."

Which gym do I look like I've come from?

He's such a basic human being,

to him there's only two forms of dress,

club and gym.

I remember the last time I went there.

I think I was 21, and I threw up.

I used to throw up there quite a lot,

'cause I used to drink a lot

'cause I wasn't happy.

I don't want to judge you

if you're drinking tonight,

but you know it's 'cause

you're not happy, right? You know...

"We'll have a good old... We're all right,

we'll have a couple of drinks

"and then pay for laughter. We're fine."

I was trying to get to the toilet,

and I didn't make it.

I threw up on the dance floor.

I looked at what I'd done, and I was pleased.

I thought, "That's what you deserve.

That should be your logo."

But now I was in London,

talking to this actor,

and I suggested this wonderful

avant-garde club on a Monday night,

which he hadn't heard of,

which meant that I could say,

"Well, I'll email you the details."

That casual.

He said, "Okay." I then had his email address.

He gave me his email address.

I'd triumphed over this fear of rejection,

this fear of being in the moment.

I had his email address.

And then this final moment,

where we seemed to level out.

Up to now, I'd been his crazed, desperate fan.

And then, just as I was leaving, he said,

"Oh, do I know you from something?"

And I said, in as quiet

and modest a way possible,

"I sort of do this small pop show

on Channel 4.

"But it's on very early in the morning.

You probably haven't seen it."

Thinking that he might say, "Of course!

"You're really funny! You're really funny!

You're really funny!"

Not, "Oh, okay," in the same tone as

my grandma when I showed her my arsehole.

But I had his email address. I went home,

and I composed the most beautiful,

funny little email.

Six friends confirmed,

it was a beautiful, funny email.

I pressed send,

and this is very much the end of this story,

he never emailed back.

Thank you.

Ideally, in this situation,

laughter is better than pity,

but you're quite right,

it's not a funny ending, is it?

It's not funny.

He didn't email back even, you know,

even something negative

that I could do something with.

He just... Just indifferent.

Not funny, is it? It's not funny.

So, not only did he ruin my life for five years,

he's ruined this.

F***ing Martin Clunes.

It's my fault for chasing this fantasy

of this quiet, mysterious actor type.

That's what I've always gone for,

some sort of...

And I didn't know what it was.

I didn't know why I kept going for the same

sort of weird, vulnerable, quiet person.

And then I realised, it comes directly

from being about 15 years old

and watching

the teen drama My So-Called Life,

starring Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano.

You may whoop and cheer,

but that programme has left me damaged.

Everyone I've ever gone for has been

some version of Jordan Catalano.

I watched the DVD to see

what I was to do about this and, uh...

I wanted to watch the DVD to see

what it was about this character,

and I figured it was about...

It was these three things.

Number one, he has about four lines

in every episode.

Number two, he has long hair,

that sometimes falls over an eye.

And he'll tuck it behind his ear.

Which is amazing, isn't it? It's just amazing.

And the third thing is that his main

character trait is that he is dyslexic.

And that's all I've ever wanted.

A near mute

with long hair and learning difficulties.

And there's nothing wrong

with any of those things.

I don't want to offend anyone.

If that describes you in any way,

I'd like to meet you.

Recently, I went to see a play

in which there was an actor that I fancied,

because if you don't seek some therapy,

life repeats.

This time I was slightly better connected.

I knew the playwright.

We went to eat after the play.

I was sat next to the actor that I fancied.

I was talking to him about some of the things

we've discussed tonight,

that thinking makes it so,

that we can create our own reality.

And even if you don't buy into that

in a spiritual sense,

you can still see that we live in a culture

where you can order stuff online

and it comes within the next day or two.

We live like that now.

So it's frustrating not being able to order

a specific human being from the universe

and have them come towards you.

He says, "Well, what do you want?

Who do you want?"

I say - and I hadn't thought

about this for a while -

I say, "I want Jared Leto."

He then says, in that moment,

"I just did a film with Jared Leto

"where I played the younger version

of his character."

I didn't know what to do with that.

I'd only just ordered him.

He then says, out of his mouth,

"Do you want to see a sex scene I did

as the young Jared Leto?"

I say, "Yes."

He pulls out his iPhone,

shows me himself having sex

as Jared Leto, with long hair, and naked,

and I say, "Oh, that's nice."

And it's so close to the fantasy,

I don't know what to do.

That is the root fantasy.

That's the young Jared Leto.

It's even closer to the fantasy

than the actual Jared Leto, in real life now,

who, oddly, I did meet about three years ago

in Thailand at a full-moon party.

I didn't realise it was him. I thought

it was just someone who looked like him.

So I went up to him and said,

"You look a lot like Jared Leto.

Do you know who Jared Leto is?"

He said, "I am Jared Leto."

I wasn't ready for that.

So all I could manage to say was,

"Your beauty in Requiem for a Dream

detracted from the narrative."

He thanked me and walked away.

This was so close to the fantasy.

And also, there was, of course,

the fear of rejection, as there always is.

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