Simon Amstell: Do Nothing Page #6

---

And the reason I wasn't...

The reason I wasn't achieving

the getting of more sex

was because I would see somebody

at a party that I really liked

and I'd think,

"Gosh, well, he seems just about perfect.

"Like, who knows what could happen?

"I could end up spending

the rest of my life with him."

And what I would do every time,

to woo him, to beshoe him,

to make him see that I was the one for him,

is I would go home

and hope that I saw him again.

Because for me to go up to someone

and say, "Hello, what's your name?"...

Perfectly lovely question,

"Hello, what's your name?"

Nothing wrong with that question,

"Hello, what's your name?"

It's a delightful, curious question,

but to me, it would definitely come out like,

"Hello. What's your name?"

Also, I developed a paranoia

for talking to anyone

because I felt like,

if the chat-up didn't go well,

they would then have a story

to tell their friends about.

This came from being

at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival

and somebody coming up to me

and reminding me of a gig

that we'd done together.

I said, "I remember the gig.

"I went on a few dates with a poet

who was on that show."

And he said, "Yes, that's my friend."

And he said that in a kind of smug way,

like he knew something about me.

And I said, "Do you know

something about me?"

And he said, "Yes."

He then told me that his friend had told him

that when we were having sex,

and his friend climaxed, I said...

"Well done."

I think it's 'cause it took him a while.

It's not my catchphrase.

So I couldn't talk to people.

I couldn't talk to people.

And then I saw the film Waking Life.

I don't know if you've seen it,

but one line stood out for me.

"Actual self-awareness is the knowledge

"that you are a character

in someone else's dream."

I love this idea that it could all be a dream,

and it's somebody else's dream.

I makes everything so silly.

There's no need to fear anything,

no need to feel anxious about anything.

It's all a dream.

And if you're playing a character,

and that character isn't serving you,

that shy, anxious character

who can't talk to people,

let go of the character.

Become a different character.

I was out with a friend of mine,

walking through the streets of north London

on a Sunday afternoon a few months ago,

and in the time that we were together,

he got the phone numbers

of about four different girls.

His thing is he's able to go up to girls

and say, "Hello. What's your name?"

They exchange phone numbers,

and then later, they have sex.

That's a better system than mine.

I said, "You've got to do this for me."

He then spots this guy

that I'd been looking at.

And before I can run away,

scared of what might occur,

he just saunters up to this guy

and says, "Hello, young man."

"You look like a fun chap.

What are you up to today in your life?"

And this young student guy says,

"I'm... I'm meeting some friends in the park."

And my friend says,

"Well, we must join you."

And for some reason,

this guy doesn't say, "Why?"

I think it's 'cause my friend said, "we must",

and so he just went, "Oh, well,

if you're in charge of the world, okay."

'Cause that's what my friend's

putting out there.

His character is he can grab

someone from the universe,

throw them in his hot tub and f*** them.

We're now sat in this park with these people,

and everyone's acting very nonchalant,

like it's a normal thing to have happened.

But at least in my head, I'm screaming,

"But we're all strangers!"

I try to chat up the one that I like.

I say, "You look like the cool one

in the group."

Because I don't know how to talk to humans.

The only way I can cope, it seems,

is if I imagine I'm conducting a TV interview.

"Well, you're the cool one,

and who dresses you?

"And thank you for coming in today.

And now Lady Gaga."

Who I don't trust.

So my friend then rescues me

from my character

and says, "Why don't you two

exchange phone numbers now?

"We must move on with our lives."

So we do exchange phone numbers,

because he's told us to.

We walk away, and I acknowledge that

what's happened has been quite special.

Generally in life, we feel we're in control,

but we're just like ants, wandering around,

hoping to avoid bumping into each other,

as humans, hoping to avoid doing anything

that might embarrass us.

And this was a moment of grabbing

a moment from the universe without any fear.

We're not in control of our lives.

You're not in control of your lives.

I'm aware that half the people in here

are only in here

because the person next to you likes me.

Maybe more than half. Maybe...

And I'm not in control of my life,

even being here tonight.

It's just that something happened

in my childhood,

where there was a moment of fear,

I responded with something funny

and that worked,

so I carried on with that

and now I'm here talking to you

into a microphone, which I don't need.

Just 'cause it gives the impression

I'm definitely a stand-up comedian.

Otherwise, I'm just a man standing.

And unless you grab these moments,

life just is cyclical and it is repetitive.

Do you know what I was thinking about

when I was in the toilet the other morning?

"Again?" It's always the same, isn't it?

Once, about six years ago,

I had a green sh*t. Once.

And it looked at me, as if to say,

"Perhaps everything will be different now."

It wasn't.

Goatee beard, huh?

You think that's going to help?

So, you know, you think,

you shave that bit and that bit and...

We're all still going to die.

So I asked my friend.

I said, "What do you want me to do now?

"Should I text him next week

and see what he's up to?"

He said, "No. Just text him now

and see what he's doing tonight."

I said, "This is a bit keen.

We just walked away.

"Shouldn't I play hard-to-get a bit?"

He said, "No, you don't play hard-to-get.

You just picked someone up in a park."

And he was right.

This stupid game, based on fear,

that we play, this hard-to-get game,

we don't play it in any other area of our lives.

You're in a supermarket and you think,

"Oh, I quite fancy a potato,"

you don't go,

"Oh, best to avoid eye contact."

You grab the potato, you bloody eat it.

The only difference between a potato

and a human being is the fear of rejection.

That's not the only difference. Um...

Everything's a choice between fear and love.

We may as well choose love,

because death is coming.

Death is coming.

Death is coming.

That's my catchphrase.

So I texted him, there and then,

because death is coming.

And he was free that night.

He was free that night.

We were then going on this date, that night.

We'd met that day.

We're going on this date, that night.

I feel alive. I feel like I'm living

some sort of dreamlike existence.

My friend then gives me tips

on how to have sex with him that evening.

Because that is what this is about.

This is about grabbing this moment

from the universe,

without any judgement, without fear.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes