Skid Marks

---

( beeping )

Hey, what do you--

Hey, hey, what do you

think you're doing?!

Thinking about the summer

that went by too fast

( man groaning )

Hey! Ah!

All the money invested

And I wasted time

Owwww!

Ohh, eeee!

Everything's gonna be okay

Everything's gonna be okay

Everything's gonna be okay

Don't worry about a thing

There'll be better days

Oh!

( man )

Oh, come on.

I wanna go for a ride.

Whoa Whoa

So I started a band and

got booed off stage...

Boys, boys, his colostomy bag!

5:
29.

We gotta shave that

time in half, amigos!

I could have transpo'd

every blue hair in this building

in two minutes.

( patient yelling )

You couldn't shave my ball sack in two minutes.

Shut up! ( stuttering )

This is b-bullshit, Richie Rich!

How about n-next time

we clock you?

You're all heart.

Now cowboy up, let's roll!

( Rich )

Hey, Rich here.

Head of the illustrious

BALS ambulance unit.

Welcome to Bayside, where

we're famous for two things,

boredom...

( man )

We French are the best drunk drivers in the world!

( woman screaming )

...and tourists.

Did I mention drunk tourists?

Anyways, I digress.

See, we're EMTs, Emergency

Medical Technicians.

That's a step or several stories below

your basic well-trained paramedic.

And stop calling me "Jacques"

and call an ambulance! Oh!

Being an EMT in a small

town ain't that bad.

It's almost as good

as being a celebrity.

The only problem is we got a

little friendly competition.

( dispatcher )

Wake up, 82,

we got a fender bender

at Fourth and Park.

This is unit 8-2, are they insured?

Well, hell, let my

check my crystal ball.

No HMO, no go.

Don't make me come out there.

No-- no homos?

Is that--? What?

You said, "No homos, no go."

No, I said, "No HMO."

You don't know what I'm

talking about, do you?

You're an idiot. Sure.

The captain's coming,

don't embarrass me.

Good evening, sir.

Don't call me "Sir."

I'm off-duty and

potentially undercover.

This should help with tonight's mission.

That'll be $50, sir.

Shut up, Neil!

You must be joking.

Have you forgotten who

signs your little checks?

Don't forget whose hand feeds you.

We read you sir.

That's good.

You boys are gonna go

far under my guidance,

just keep the good stuff coming.

( chuckling )

( Neil )

Have a pleasant evening, sir.

I already am, let's go, sweetheart.

Your wife looks very beautiful tonight!

Especially her b*obs.

That's not his wife, doofus.

That's why we're gonna videotape it.

B*obs like that just

make me want to grab them

and just put the nipples in my nose

and ( sniffing ) inhale.

I don't wanna hear that. Okay.

( dispatcher )

Unit 9-6, this is county.

I need you to get your

butts to Fourth and Park,

ASAP!

In the old days,

firefighters would get EMT duty

as a form of punishment.

That's why you've been doing

this for four years, huh?

Some sort of sick f-f***ing punishment.

"It's not what you are,

but what you do not become that hurts."

A Greek guy said that.

S-seriously, Rich,

We c-cannot live like this forever.

Hey, man, who says this

is living, huh, One-Foot!

Dammit!

Hey! One-Foot!

Yo, boss.

Beer me!

Can paramedics do this?

Wait for it...

Take it, take it.

Swallow.

Wanna hit-- hit

this, playa?

No, no, no, I'm with child.

Come on!

Rich, we got a bit of a

cluster fudge-pack back here.

You better watch yourself, midget!

Who in the hell are

you calling m-m-midget?

You

m-m-meathead!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Ladies, please!

Your whole family's short!

Your momma's short!

Time out!

You're both pretty, okay?

Are-- are you-- are

you staring at me?

Uh-uh.

Stop staring at me, Neil.

Neil, I'm not f***ing

around, cut it out!

Oh Jacques!

Oh my head! Oh!

( on loudspeaker )

Would you excuse me, Miss?

I wouldn't make out with him tonight.

I can tell you, that's a herpes scar.

Ambulance? Stop!

We're EMTs, we want you to be healthy.

( Jacques )

You're not going to run after it?

( both laughing )

( imitating radar )

Richie, pizza boy is locked and loaded.

Where in the hell are you guys going?!

Tarzan and Jane want pizza.

Easy

and--

( tires squealing )

Ow! Oh!

Aw! Aw!

Oh my God!

( Rich )

You okay back there?

No!

Oh my God, here we go.

( pizza boy )

Guys, I didn't do anything.

What are you doing?

( Rich )

Sweet ride.

It's awesome, really cool.

Ow! Ow!

What are you guys doing?

( Jamaican accent )

Yeast infection quarantine.

Yeast infection?

I don't--

Just be thankful you

haven't ingested any pizza

in the last six hours.

Does a large extra cheese count?

This could be bad.

He's looking pretty white to me, boss.

What--

what are you doing?

Ow, okay, ow!

Easy, easy, easy! Don't manhandle me!

Ow, you pinched my nipples!

( Rich )

Calm down, my brother.

You don't be needing

your nipples right now.

How many fingers there, man?

I can't see, dude.

You're flashing your light in my eyes.

Not good.

I am a nice guy!

They're doing that stupid

trunk midget gag again.

Neil, chimp time.

Not even God can save you now.

Go get 'em.

( Rich )

There's damage to your optical nerve.

Yes, pepperoni!

Oh! Oh, oh my God!

No, you're not going to die,

you might be blind.

Please, son, leave this to

the pseudo-professionals.

I need you to squawk.

Squawk?

Universal EMS code, man.

It might just save your life tonight.

All right, brother, squawk!

Squawk, pizza man!

This is a roadside molestation!

Rich! Rich!

You just be lucky we be come by here.

Hello?

Rich, he's stealing the patient!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

That's our 150 bucks!

Oh

my--!

Come on now!

Got your patient, b*tches!

Woo-hoo!

( pizza boy )

Guys, come back!

I have a yeast infection!

Oh God, there's poop on my leg!

( tires screeching )

( man on loudspeaker )

We're almost to hound, someone call an ambulance!

Faster!

God dammit, those BALS are fast!

Oh, we're gonna bring the pain!

( Rich )

Hey, Neil and Bob, riddle me this?

Ooh, I love riddles.

What's the past tense of "sh*t"?

What is it, "shat"?

Go, go, go, go!

Merry Christmas!

( all laughing )

Throw this!

I got pooie on me!

Throw it!

Isn't a horse tranquilizer dangerous?

Neil, throw it!

Ah!

Oh, oh, oh!

Nice shot!

Ew, you're pooie.

( One-Foot )

What the--! What--!

What the hell is that?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, new driver, new driver!

Don't throw me on the wheel!

Neil, get it off your f***ing face!

Get if off!

Jacques, what are you doing? Voila!

This is how you get

things done in my country.

Watch out for your shoes!

Jacques, Jacques! What are you doing?!

Medical assistance! Oh!

What the hell is that?

( siren blaring )

Wake him up! wake him up!

Please, Rich, wake him up,

I'm gonna kill this guy!

Move, get off the road!

Rich, come on, he's coming!

I demand that you stop this ambulance!

You look healthy to me, man.

French, but healthy.

Bite harder!

Oh my God! Brakes, brakes!

Uh...

Oh, Jacques!

( Rich )

Gas, on the gas!

( woman )

Why are you in this trash dump, why?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes