Skid Marks Page #2

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( man )

Congratulations, carrot queens.

You managed to strike a new low

in the annals of emergency

medical care history.

Due to budget cuts and

your flaccid performance,

this city is cutting back

to only one-- count

it, one-- EMT unit.

What?

He said they're cutting

back to one EMT unit.

Oh!

Wait, so it's

either us or--

The DIC unit.

The EMT unit with the

most patient transports

wins a shiny Cadillac El

Dorado with white walls.

Seeing as the DIC unit is

based out of the hospital,

we'd have to, like,

double our patient load,

which seems like some type of work.

I didn't take this job to work.

May I suggest that you pack

up your little clown car

and drive your lazy ass back

to the chocolate factory!

Oh, Sarge, don't worry.

One-Foot's all good.

It's just his little lungs are

so close to that little brain,

he just fires that

oxygen right up in there,

messes him up a little.

Look, we may not be great at what we do,

but we are almost average.

Right, guys?

( T-Bone snoring )

Christ, Bones!

You're on desk duty for

falling asleep at the wheel.

Large-and-in-Charge, you're

in the field, son, with, uh...

Oh yeah, you are in the field

with Mr. Mary Jane Rottingcrotch here.

And what about me, Sarge?

Grow up!

That's right, soldiers.

Hard times call for hard choices.

( snoring )

( wolf whistling )

Meet my illegitimate

adopted daughter, Lai Mei,

my attempt at diplomacy when I

went back to 'Nam after the war.

Lai Mei, you ride with,

uh,... oh, Stumpy here.

Lai Mei, baby, you can ride

Stumpy anytime you want.

Now it's up to you!

( snoring )

( man )

My heart is pounding, Rich.

I'm feeling like a real paramedic!

Lesson one, Chunk, we

are EMTs, not paramedics.

Oh, yeah, okay, okay.

Paramedics get paid a salary,

have training,

and, hey, actually save lives.

You just worry about

saving your own, got it?

Got it!

Roger! My man!

Richie, you f***er,

you! What's up, man?!

What are you doing here, man?!

I donate sperm every Thursday. Nice.

Yeah, it's my beer money, bro!

Hey, when I'm gonna ride

in the ambulance with you?

I'm training a rookie this week, man,

but I think next week

it's someone's birthday!

I love you, bro!

Hey, did you check out the new girl?

Where? At reception.

She's just the way you like 'em, hot!

There you are.

Are you ready to donate?!

Wow.

I might need help taking off my pants.

( humming )

Holy mother of God.

Can I help you?

Megan, is it? Yes.

Picking up or dropping off?

Picking up.

If you have anything that

cures instant attraction?

Pepper spray works.

Oh, smarmy, beautiful...

Almost perfect.

Mmm, almost.

Rigid, hmm...

"Warning, erections may

last up to 72 hours."

Science...

What will they think of next?

Are you

always this--?

Handsome? Charming?

Sexy? Annoying?

Fine--

fine.

Could you just fill one quick 'scrip?

Whoa, how did that that get there?

Wow! My bad!

This is blank.

Are you sure it doesn't

have your number on it?

You know, I don't usually do this,

but for a special guy like you?

Have fun.

Special guy.

Special...

what the--

You couldn't get picked

up in a gay chatroom

even if you were bent over and lubed up.

Hitler, Himler.

Uh, my name's Neil.

Question for you, be-yotch.

Oh, I mean Ri-otch.

Did you know we're up on your crew

by almost 20 patients?

( coughing )

Oh!

( both laughing )

Yeah!

Uh, uh! What's the matter?

Wheelchairs make your butt pucker,

Bobby boy?

No, he just used to

drive the wheelchair van

for, like, ever, makes him nervous.

Shove it, Neil!

Oh, Bob.

Listen here, ball sack,

you're the lower class.

Watch your toes.

The slackers, the slobs, the losers.

DIC will always

be above BALS--

Especially when you're gone.

But, alas...

What is a DIC without its BALS?

Huh... useless.

You're useless!

Ow, my neck.

Warning, erections lasting over 72 hours

should seek immediate fornication.

It's really a shame you

don't have girlfriends.

With a little scheming

this time next month,

we're gonna be the only EMTs in Bayside,

and then those BALS

boys are gonna be S.O.L.

Damn right, Bob.

( women laughing )

What's everybody laughing at?

If we were paramedics,

no one would be laughing!

( dog barking )

Oh! Ah!

Oh, nice catch, Bob.

Ahh!

Ahh!

There's a dog ripping

off my penis flesh!

Help me!

Neil, Neil, stop screwing the dog!

( screaming )

Get the puppy off

your dick and help me!

Why are you laughing at me?!

This is a serious matter!

Oh, God!

You can bet your ass, I'm

gonna make those BALS pay,

slow and painful.

Yeah, I like how that sounds.

Make those BALS hurt,

painfully and slowly. Yeah.

I'm gonna tickle those BALS.

Be naughty.

I'm gonna knock 'em back and forth.

Yeah. I'm

gonna--

Ah!

Sir. Sir.

Something organic and truthful

about a locker room, don't you think?

My ego's on the line here, boys.

That's why I need you to play out

this phony patient total scam and win,

legally or not.

Even if it

means a little--

Sabotage?

Oh, you didn't hear me say that.

No, that was Bob who

just said that, sir.

Now, we're gonna keep

this little arrangement

just between us, get it?

Got it. Got it.

Good, carry on, men.

Aww!

So firefighter, huh?

Yeah, save the day and get

paid above minimum wage.

For once--

how about you?

I always wanted to be a police officer.

Really?

I'm a big fan of unnecessary pain.

Are you? Suffering.

Nipple clamps once in a while.

Nipple clamps?

I like nipples, and I like clamps!

Ay-yi-yi-yi, that

works, that works, oh!

My turn? Yeah...

( man )

Oh, oh, oh, yeah! Whoa, hello!

That's embarrassing.

I don't see anything

that warrants a call

to nine-double-one

in here.

Was I being too loud, again?

What's your deal, buddy?

I am--

meditating.

I said,

what's your--

Ah! Oh!

Oh, snap.

Oh my God.

How did you get that in that vacuum?

Am I in trouble? No.

We take care of this right here.

( dog grumbling )

Hey, how are you?

( barking )

God.

Ugh.

Ugh, great.

I don't see the point of this.

Shh, I can't hear them.

Shouldn't we be trying to

boost our patient totals?

We're way ahead.

This is gonna make sure

that we stay that way.

Know your enemy, Neil.

Got it?

( cat snarling )

Would a little affection

now and then kill you?

( dialing phone )

Living the dream, huh, Pops?

( woman )

You've reached the Lonely Loser Love Line.

I think I got something.

Where you can get it on

with anyone or anything.

Before you select a species,

here's this week's special.

Have you ever really had pork?

Most people don't

realize that--

Rich is a dirty animal freak?

... And they love a good spanking.

Make your selection after the tone.

I'm gonna record this.

You're into that? What?

No,

I, uh--

Two, marsupials.

I said--

Three, invertebrates.

I said that we should

get some ice cream later.

Four, reptiles.

( Rich )

Ooh, come on, someone trip,

choke, drown, pass out.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Oh, my.

Rich!

Me? No.

I think your mother used

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