Skid Marks Page #3

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food as emotional compensation

for a lack of self-esteem

brought on by a father figure.

And she passed the fat onto you.

Wow, you know, I admire

how intelligible you are.

Thanks, Dane, that's sweet... of... you.

Nice, two for two.

And three--

( hacking )

Okay, if that's not

illegal, it should be.

I'm gonna go get something to drink.

Hey grab me a beer and my surfboard,

would you?

Mmm, pass the gravy, I

could eat of that ass.

( Megan )

Oh, that is so tasteful.

What? Ah, hey.

Yeah, what do you expect

from a lonely loser

looking for love?

Ah, you called?

Yeah, I'm a desperate man, I admit it.

Hey, what are the odds

of us meeting like this?

I'd say more odd than anything.

Although we are a block away

from the only hospital within 40 miles,

a hospital that I work at.

But, still, more odd than anything.

You're gonna make some lucky girl

a great ex-husband someday.

So, coffee? See you later, Rich.

Dinner?

Have fun with those binoculars!

Brunch? Pictionary? Yoga?!

That close, that close.

Wow.

( dispatcher )

Any available units,

hermaphrodite Jesus

is-- over. Ah!

Rich, come here!

You just created your first patient.

Oh, no.

Good job, El Grande!

( groaning )

Is she all right back there?

( car honking )

I'm sorry, but we're

gonna have to cut it off.

I think I ruptured my implants.

These aren't real?

And it hella-kills.

My compliments to the chef.

Do you have anything for pain?

We can apply pressure or numb it.

Numb it?

Num-num-num-num--

Ah, sorry.

We're not allowed to

administer any drugs.

However, there's

nothing written about...

self-medicating.

Oh!

Little smoky smoke?

Megan, what are the odds?

( laughing )

Is she drunk?

Well, yeah, but mostly just stoned.

You gotta love you EMTs.

Thanks, Karl.

Get her to the emergency room.

The pleasure was all mine!

( laughing )

Don't even think about it, Fatboy Slim.

Oh, ah, oh, that was

not what it looked like.

That's too bad for you.

I'm gonna put myself on the line here

and just let it all hang out.

Honest looks good on you.

Okay, aside from my job and social life

running on empty, my life sucks.

My cat pisses on my

sofa on a bi-daily basis,

my dad drowned in a

bathtub when I was 15,

he was a Jim Morrison fan,

so it sort of worked out for him.

He was a paramedic, which I'll never be

because of the whole test anxiety thing,

so I became the next-worst thing, EMT,

which affords me the luxury

of no real responsibility,

emotional purgatory

and the rare cop-a-feel.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Not really, but it's consistent.

Again, honest looks good on you.

You know what else would

look really good on me?

Sorry, that's force of habit.

Look, I know you don't

have time for life.

But I was thinking, maybe, just maybe,

we could have no life together.

Somewhere... sometime.

Somewhere, sometime could be nice,

and then again, maybe it couldn't.

You know what would

look really good on me?

You.

Medic!

You are a medic, ain't you?!

Yeah, sure.

Look, we're short today.

I need you to take this gomer

to urology for his tests.

The way he's been acting,

he's lucky I don't

request a hydrocolonoscopy.

That would cure the bastard.

Hydrocolonoscopy?

On the double, ma'am.

( French accent ) No, no, she's joking!

Don't worry, sir, don't worry, sir,

I'm a trained professional.

Let's get it right this time.

That needs to go in the last cabinet.

Stuff it in the back, yes.

Oh, take my partner please.

Yeah, and give this

up? I don't think so.

Whoa, don't look now,

but the sons of sodomy

are taking prisoners.

( honking )

( Neil on loudspeaker )

Neil, The Neil-o-nator...

( Bob )

Neil, turn off the PA!

So did Sarge give you those numbers?

Yeah, real shocker, we're still behind.

You know, I am never

gonna make firefighter.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You were never gonna

make it before, anyway.

( woman groaning )

Shut up!

Aw, why look, Neil.

It's Mother, Jugs and the Dweeb.

Let me ask you a question.

You ever actually save anybody?

Or do you just sit

around and be retarded?

You know, actually, I

saved your mom last night

after she choked on my donkey stick?

Does that count as saving?

No? I'd say it.

Excuse me,

the adults are having a conversation.

Would you like something

to tide you over?

Perhaps a balloon animal?

I'll make it for ya.

Look, a bird!

You shrimpy son of a b*tch, One-Inch!

I'm gonna f***ing kill you!

Hey, uh, hey, Rich,

how's not getting laid going for you?

Oh, and last time I checked,

I believe you ball sacks are

behind us in the patient count.

Last time I checked,

you were still the

limpest dick in Bayside.

And isn't it better

to be behind than in front, Bobby boy?

Not gay if you're giving.

This doesn't end here!

Yeah, this doesn't end here!

Come on, Neil.

In case you haven't noticed,

Bob and I are the she-yat!

It's not gay if you're giving?

I heard it was.

( Rich )

Gary!

Are you stinking what

I'm thinking, little man?

I'm One-Foot ahead

of you, Mo-sucka.

It's stuck.

Why don't you stop

pulling on it like a girl?

Right, right, right...

Ahh! Ugh, oh God!

I did not go through

three semesters of

community college for this!

I went to Harvard for a little while.

What?

Or I thought about it.

How many times were you dropped

on your head as a baby?

One time.

I think it's the reason I'm balding.

I'm gonna get those BALS

if it's the last thing I do.

( groaning )

Ho-ho! Oh!

I've been wanting to try this thing out.

Hold him down good.

Ohhh!

Ahh!

Slim, you'll always be my hero!

( laughing )

( echoing )

My hero, hero, hero...

( merry chattering )

Help! Help!

Please, I can't swim!

What am I to do

My feet are off the

ground I'm unbound

It's all because of you

And now I know...

I can't swim!

You've had a little doubt

From way beyond the

shadow of our feelings...

Hurry!

We can work it out

I know you're standing in a crowd

From way beyond the

corner of the ocean

We can work it out...

( woman )

You'll always be my hero!

( echoing )

Hero, hero...

( Rich )

Wow, that is hot.

Yo,

f--

You white boys ain't right.

Sarge wants everybody outside, pronto.

I got plans.

You three have fun.

You done?

I gotta get to work.

All right, listen up, peckerheads.

Come on.

( shrieking )

It's high time you

bring a little integrity,

a little grit to your uniform!

If we don't beat the DIC

unit, we're all out of a job!

Where in the hell

is that freeloading

felcher Rich, anyway?

He's the main reason

your butts are in this position.

Make sure you thank him.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

( sighing )

Is this the part where you stalk me?

I prefer hunting with no intent to kill.

Sounds utterly romantic, but I'll pass.

This is somewhere, sometime.

No, this is nowhere right now.

( alarm chirping )

Disco ball, Kama Sutra,

Jacuzzi-- of course.

I hope you brought your bikini.

It's for special transports.

Am I special?

( laughing )

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