Skid Marks Page #4

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Speaking as a seasoned

medical professional,

I would say you need to relax.

Blow off some steam.

Stress-related heart attacks

are the number-one killer

among laughing, smiling,

giggling, beautiful

medical professionals.

Is that so? Yeah.

Oh...

AWOL?

"A"-what?

Alcohol without liquid.

( coughing )

It's a vaporized alcohol

mixed with just a little bit of oxygen.

Designed to help your victims relax?

Oh...

The whole van

thing just screams--

"A-Team," right?

"Scooby-Doo!"

Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson.

Oh, ho! Oh, oh, hot!

I think your van just went AWOL.

I'm gonna fix this! Ah, ah!

Just know that I'm here for you.

( siren blaring )

( on loudspeaker )

Folks, if you look to the left of the bus,

you'll see not only the

ugliest man in Bayside,

but he also doesn't

actually have a penis.

I would feel bad for him if

he wasn't such a ball sack!

( radio chatter )

Knievel hotbox.

Where is everyone?

'Cept for One-Foot, home.

Sarge got a b-bad case

of the crabs or something.

Said t-there's no way

we're gonna make it.

And the DIC unit ass r-raped us again.

Yeah, not to worry.

Let's just say they'll

be hearing from me.

No-Leg called about a dozen times.

Dispatch sent DIC unit

over to pick him up.

Oh, sh*t, his birthday!

What about patients' calls?

Screw the patients, man.

I'm the only friend he's got!

Tell One-Foot to saddle up.

Richie never forgets my birthday.

Faking a seizure

is the only way of

getting out at night, bro.

You hear me?

( clearing throat )

Bob, do you see anyone here having a seizure?

No, I think I see someone

who's been faking a seizure.

Hey, who is this?

Is this your new girlfriend?

Oh, hello, I'm No-Legs' girlfriend.

Look at me! I'm an idiot!

An idiot with a beard

! Oh, I have gingivitis.

Neil. I'm angry!

I'm a

rhinoc-- Neil!

Oh, you think this is funny?

Oh, who's laughing now?

I don't hear you

laughing anymore, No-Legs.

It's not funny anymore, is it?

Let me out of here, I can't breathe!

I can't breathe! Come on, Neil.

Hey, nice night for a

51-50 call, huh, fellas?

Dammit, Neil.

Aw, what's wrong?

You DICs having trouble

finding the hole?

( No-Legs )

You a**holes!

Oh, I can't feel my legs.

You missed me, jerkoff!

I was just wondering.

When you two 69 each

other, who's on top?

Is it--

Bob.

No one talks to my Bobby

that way, you little Gremlin!

Awhh!

( Rich )

Do your thing, little man.

Grab the little bastard!

Okay, here we go.

I know Tae Bo, you little b*tch!

Grab him!

Ah! Oh!

My penis!

You're gonna pay for

that, you little son of a--

( Neil )

Okay, David, time to meet Goliath!

Aaaaayyyyyy! A-ya, ya, ya, ya, ya...!

Oh, hell, he's got my leg.

Son

of a--

Oh God! Oh God, my foot.

Get off me!

Why are you so mean?

You are a useless piece of sh*t

and an embarrassment to this squad.

Right.

Watch your tiny back. Yeah!

Come on, Neil.

( Neil )

Oh, he bit my leg!

I can't believe a midget kicked our ass.

( No-Legs )

What took you f***ers so long? I faked a f***ing seizure.

Somebody's special day!

Yeah!

It's my f***ing birthday, a**holes!

Hey, I want to see some tits.

Culo! Nalgas!

Can I bring a friend?

Oh, it hurts so bad.

Who bites? No one bites.

That f***er's like a

two-foot tall vampire.

Are you gonna cry?

Neil, don't cry... Neil, stop crying.

Neil, do--

dammit,

pull yourself together

and hit the lights.

( man recorded on loudspeaker )

Attention all units, attention all units,

how would you like to see our units?

What?

We're Neil and Bob,

proud sexually ambiguous

members of the DIC unit--

Turn it off. Turn it off!

I can't, it's--

...and we love wearing women's clothing.

Neil is a Capricorn rising

with a moon in Uranus.

He enjoys spending time

with his imaginary

friends and smoking crack.

Dammit!

Don't worry about it,

don't worry about it.

You know why?

'Cause at least we got their patient.

Oh, sh*t! Sh*t!

Dammit! Sh*t!

Sh*t! Sh*t!

Shut up! F***!

Goddammit, Neil.

It's my fault. This is your fault!

No, no, no, it's not.

Damn right this is your f***ing fault!

No, it's not your fault,

don't blame yourself!

Don't touch me, I know

it's not my fault!

You don't listen, Bob,

it's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Dammit, Neil, not you, too.

It's not your fault, Bob,

it's not your fault, Bob.

Stop making me cry, you f***ing jerk!

( men hollering )

B*obs! B*obs!

Happy Birthday!

One of the real things!

Oh, come on!

Come on, show it, show it!

So what's your name, honey?

Louis, but everybody

calls me "One-Foot."

Ooh, you're taller than One-Foot.

Well, that's not why they

call me "One-Foot," honey.

That's why, that's why.

I see.

Yes, three legs, baby, three legs.

Lock him in the gates of heaven.

May your friends always be special.

Rich, Rich, Rich!

Your liquor cold, your women hot,

and your troubles slide

off you slicker than--

Twat.

Lai Mei?

What?

Only guys allowed on sniffer's row?

I have never been more

attracted to anyone

than at this very moment.

( man recorded on loudspeaker)

...members of the DIC unit,

we love wearing women's clothing.

Neil is a Capricorn rising

with a moon in Uranus,

he enjoys spending time

with his imaginary friends

and smoking crack.

Oh, I'm gonna kill that Rich.

Bob is a Scorpio on the cusp

who once performed the

Heimlich maneuver on a hamster.

You see 'em? Great, they're gone.

It's not us.

We borrowed

this from our--

Shut up, look-- Just

look for 'em, look for--

Right.

Hi, we're Neil and Bob,

proud members of the DIC ambulance unit,

and there's nothing

we enjoy more than...

Mugs 'N' Jugs?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, slumber party at my house tonight.

( laughing )

We'll get marshmallows.

Load the gurney.

My very special friends,

One-Foot proudly

introduces to you--

Sinderella, with an "S."

Very creative.

This here is Roger, he touches himself.

But it's his birthday,

so how about you shake that moneymaker?

Dance for me!

Culo, right here, right here.

Come here!

I don't dance for 'tards.

Oh!

These are my friends!

Whore! Whore, whore!

Whore! Puta!

Whore?!

Oh, I forgot, you don't have any legs.

Come on, come on!

This is why I don't strip no more!

Bring the blackness out in me,

You gonna make me

take my shirt off--

( arguing and hollering )

I can fight, I can fight!

Ow! What

the--!

What the hell's you're problem, man?

Stay out!

Say "cheese," window-lickers.

Ow! Ow!

What the hell, man?! Ow, pepper spray!

Get 'em, f***ers!

Get in the rig, retards!

Hey, that's not politically correct.

Neither was that slap, get in.

( Neil )

I feel bad about last night.

What are you gonna do with

their crutches and stuff?

Won't they need 'em?

Mind your own business.

Right.

Well, all done, boss.

Neil, look again.

Oh, dammit! Neil...

Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit! Neil.

Dammit, dammit! Neil, Neil.

Dammit, dammit...!

Neil! Neil! Neil! What?

What did I tell you

about being positive?

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