Skid Marks Page #5

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Right... awesome.

Awesome, awesome, awesome,

awesome, awesome, awesome!

Your little foray last

night was spectacular.

Bravo, men, bravo!

Keep that up and they'll

be calling you paramedics

in no time.

Drop the ball,

and you'll be driving a

wheelchair van for life.

Get it?

Got it. Good. Got it, good.

Pimple.

I like how that sounds.

"Neil, the paramedic."

But I also like,

"Neil, the guy who drives

the wheelchair van for life."

Both sound good.

Ahh!

( Rich )

F***.

( One-Foot )

Dude, isn't the paramedics test

like six months away?

Yeah, but it's a least a

year's worth of reading here.

Whoa, whoa! The stench of despair!

If we don't beat the DICs, it's over.

No firemen's school

and no cop academy and

no paramedic groupies,

we are seriously losers.

We get to party like it's 1999!

Ah! Ah!

Ooh! Ooh!

Gentlemen, come on!

When life gives you lemons,

for God's sakes, show some courage.

Drink beer.

The car's running, guys--

you're coming with me.

Oh yeah, oh yes, oh yeah.

You're coming with me and

you're gonna have a great time!

I like to get drunk

straight So-Cal punk

So people think we're, like, heroes,

because, I mean, what we do

can sound all glamorous and everything.

Would you like to try

some cranberry spritzer?

Ay, papi!

Ever go south of the border?

Ma-nuh

ma-mah no-mah.

DIC unit, right on time.

Rich, the eagle has landed.

Uno momento.

( Rich on radio )

I think it's time

our friends Neil and Bob experience

a real MRT call, over.

We're just here to watch

what it's like to have fun

or are we going in?

Leave the rig, Neil? Yeah.

That's exactly what

they would want us to do.

Then why'd we come?

To get the drunken idiots on tape.

Oh, right, that is brilliant.

Hey, if they come out and

they do something funny,

we can send it into that show,

the North American

hilarious video tapes show.

Did you see the show last Thursday?

They had this, like, tiger

and he was on the stool and

he was like-- ( growling ).

Right?

And then the zoo trainer came out

and he kicked the stool

out from under the tiger

and the tiger

was like--

( growling )

"Help me!"

You know, like in

tiger language, right?

And the guy that sent

in the tape got $100.

Are you still talking?

( Rich )

Thomas Aquinas' theory of duality doesn't make sense

in a modern-day paradigm.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you're mistaken.

Oh my God, that's J-Lo!

Donde?

Hey, you got my message!

Yeah, how'd you get my number?

OBGYN Kenobi never

reveals his sources--

medical records.

I need a drink.

I can find you two drinks

and a shot and a lime.

Right this way.

Where in the hell is the

pisser in this joint?

I gotta pee, I gotta pee.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ( crowing )

Huh?

You'll pop a vessel in a minute.

What is that?

Please do that again. Ow!

Don't give me orders,

I give you orders!

( women moaning )

Mo-sucka!

Ah!

Come on in, little munchkin.

I represent the Lollipop Guild.

Prepare to be conquered.

( growling )

Ooh, he's frisky.

Rich?

Hey.

This is my confessional.

And why are we in the closet?

I have a problem.

I met an incredible,

fantastical volunteer

at the hospital, actually.

And she is beautiful, smart, sassy.

And that's your problem?

Yes, no-- she's not

the problem, I am,

'cause when I look at

her eyes and her smile,

all I do is talk cheesy lines,

crazy sayings, stupid jokes.

Oh, and then words become action

and I end up with the Jacuzzi

in the back of my Charles Manson rig.

Look, bottom line,

I would really like to get to know her.

That's really sweet.

Question.

What do your lips taste like?

Oh...

And why are we in the closet?

Yay, tonight's my night!

Yes! Kicking ass!

( woman )

I'm in love.

( woman )

Woo!

Oh my God.

( dispatcher )

Unit 82, got an MRT at Seventh and Main.

Wait, wait, wait, isn't

that the Franklin house?

We just hit the mother-flippin' lode.

Oh, yes! Wait, what's an MRT?

Multiple Reject Transport.

Oh, yes.

Hey, can I drive? No.

Oh, come on, let me drive.

No way.

Come on, please? No, Neil.

Please? Neil, no.

Please. Neil.

Please, please, please?

Neil, No! Dammit, Neil!

You always drive, please?

Fine, all right, you want

to drive, you can drive.

Go around, I'll switch.

No, no, no, if you

want to drive, go ahead.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

No, after your little

baby parade right there,

you're gonna f***ing drive.

Go around, all right?

Woo, finally!

Okay, I'll go--

I'll go behind.

Ow, you're stepping on my foot.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

You go to the left.

I got it.

What-- no, get down,

what are you doing up--?

Neil, Neil, hurry up and get over!

Ow, my foot!

What are--

Hoo, damn.

Oh, I hit my pinky

toe. Shut up and drive!

I hurt my pinky toe.

Get the f*** in the seat

and drive, all right?

Okay. Stop clowning around.

Have you driven before?

Safety first.

No, just f***ing drive.

We gotta go pick up patients up now!

Drive!

( Neil )

You know who I really hate?

( Bob )

Gee, I don't know, Neil, who?

One-Foot.

The little one? Yeah,

he's a little b*tch.

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

I wish I could just take him

and slap him and murder him.

And not get your ass kicked

by him this time, right?

Smells kind of like asparagus.

That's odd.

I like asparagus.

Did you pee in the rig again, Neil?

Aw, Looky what we got here, Neil.

Hey, f***ers.

Mm-hmm, what'd you

call us in here for?

To change your tire, b*tch?

Haven't you heard that

he who messes with Mr. Bob

must pay dearly.

That's right.

And I wonder what else you got know of,

I think he's got no nipples,

which would be interesting to look at.

Look what we got here, No-Legs.

It's your friend, peppy spray.

Oh, looks like somebody's

gonna have no face.

Yeah, your turn to feel the burn.

Die, hooker!

Ow!

Um, Bob?

There are wheelchairs everywhere.

( growling and hooting )

Take this, you freakin' rejects!

Oh my God.

Ahh!

( yelling and growling )

Get these f***ers!

( Neil and Bob shouting )

With all the jerking off

you frat boys do together,

I thought you'd be tougher.

Are you sure you're a chick?

You win, I'll show you.

Gah!

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

( sirens blaring )

Move it, move it! It's a beer bust!

( chaotic shouting )

All right, gentlemen,

have your boarding passes

and IDs out and ready at the door.

So this is the wild

life of a paramedic?

I wouldn't know, we're just EMTs.

Whoop, there you go.

I'm sure paramedics have even more fun.

Oh, drunky, no throwing up in the rig.

No throwing up in the rig.

I don't know that girl!

Oh! Okay, ow, ow, ow!

That ties DIC.

Nice, that's a lot of cash per slab.

Slab? These are college kids.

But to us, they are future rehabbers.

Going up! No!

And our ticket to a better tomorrow.

Wait, where's Shortbus?

I don't know, where's anyone?

Okay, start the rig, now.

( Rich )

Moving out.

Rich! Rich!

Rich, we

got the--

Wait, hold on!

Rich! Rich, wait!

( man )

They're stealing our brews!

Wait!

Run, Zane, run! Run your fat ass!

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