Sleeping with the Fishes

Welcome back, and of

course, I'm Freddy Fine.

Okay, ladies, you're

going for the $50,000.

Now you will have 60

seconds on the clock.

Good luck.

Here is your first subject.

Go!

Lemonade, um, ice

cream, sleep-away camp...

Things I told you to avoid.

Things that make you fat.

Picnics, uh, barbecues...

Fattening events. Places

where they have too much food.

No.

Beaches, uh, swimming pools.

Coney Island.

Places where I told you

never to wear a bathing suit.

Places where you eat too much.

What?! Pass!

Uh... um, satin lingerie,

silk underwear...

Things only a slut would wear.

Things you can't fit into.

Cashmere sweater, uh, suede jacket...

Things you can't afford.

Wha... pass.

Oh, just pass.

Ma!

Cake batter, uh, chocolate milk...

Things that are bad for you.

Things you shouldn't eat.

Emotions, Mom, deep-rooted emotions.

Ohh! Too bad.

So sad.

Now what if I would

have said "hot soup".

- Things you stir?

- Oh, yes! Yes!

What do emotions have

to do with stirring?

So sad.

Ah, crap!

Chapter

Emotional Blackmail.

Let's first start by

taking a deep breath in

and letting go of any negative thoughts.

- One breath ain't gonna do it.

Good.

Now imagine the emotional noose

around your neck loosening up.

Told you.

Feel the breath of newfound

freedom entering your loins.

Good.

Everybody's got those days

When the sun don't

shine like it should

- Everyone gets the blues...

- Come on!

Come on, Spanx, don't fail me now.

... weather outside isn't good

I'm no exception to the rule

I have my days,

just gotta remember

Things are always

nice in some way

So let's keep it moving

Deep into the night

We got to keep on

feeling real good

Ohh, let's keep it

rolling deep into the night

Make sure the good

times keep on coming

Let's get it right

Better believe that

karma is for real, so...

Hey, sweetheart,

I'd eat you for free.

Piss off!

Wonder Bash Events, how

can we save your day?

Save it for the 'rents,

Pinocchio, it's just me.

Isn't it too early for

you to be stalking me?

Fair enough.

So are you really expecting

a call from a client?

You never know.

You know, you could move back home,

maybe start over, save some money.

Yeah, I'd rather move to Jersey.

Your pride is overwhelming.

Yeah, and your sarcasm is annoying.

I can see the stress of moving home

is just destroying your usual warmth.

I'm coming home for an aunt's

funeral that we barely even know.

I know. Poor Aunt Sharon.

- Sally.

- Sally, right.

What? Oh.

Whoa!

Lex?

- Let me call you back.

- You okay?

No! I gotta go!

Wait, did you get the tickets?

What? Mind your business.

Sorry about your balls.

No worries.

I've had worse things

happen to my balls.

Wait, are we having a party?

Oh, yeah, well, Mrs. Gonzalez

wanted Mr. Muchacho, and

so, see, I had to hire

an authentic Latino to play a Latino

character, you know what I mean?

Um, no, but how L.A. of you.

There could be a

freakin' albino Asian man

under there and nobody

would know the difference.

Come on, Mo, you know I need the money.

Yeah, well, but see, the thing is...

No, Mo, you cut the crap.

When I agreed to dress in

these fucktard costumes...

- Shh! Hey, hey.

- It was under the assumption

I'd be planning all of your events.

Wasn't that the deal?

Huh?

I'm out. I'm out!

Okay, well, have a safe trip home.

Hey, and leave my other

ball on the way out.

Wonder Bash Events,

how can I save your day?

Can I speak to Cara, please?

Oh, this is Cara.

How can I please you today?

Do you have time for your secret lover?

Always. What is your pleasure today?

You, me, and a chimpanzee.

Ohh, sounds dangerous!

So, do I need a whip to tame the chimp?

Nope, just for me.

Oh, well, I'm gonna just

put you on hold for one sec

- so I can get that whip, okay?

- Okay.

- Hey.

- Hola.

Hey, so I'm on the other line

with a potential client...

Really? What kind of shindig

are you trying to book?

One that requires a lot

of sweet talking and a tug.

- Can you hold, please?

- Holding.

You still there, bad boy?

I never left. Did you get the whip?

In hand.

Oh, yeah! Now we're talkin'.

Ohh! Oh, you know what?

Can I just put you on

hold for one more minute

so I can get my panties off?

Okay.

Hey, so this is gonna be

a lot longer than expected.

Could I just call you back?

You have a difficult client?

Oh, I hate those.

No, look, just... I'm

calling to remind you

to pack your skinny jeans.

Crap! Skinny jeans, skinny jeans,

skinny jeans.

Yeah, I figured it's gonna help

keep Mom off your back about Daniel

if you show up looking malnourished.

Uh-huh, noted.

Thanks for the... reminder.

Um, okay, so I gotta go.

Bye. See you. Bye.

Hey there, bad boy,

mission accomplished.

Panties off, whip in hand.

Now tell me...

what would you like me

to do to your chimpanzee?

Lex? Chimpan...

Lexie, did you just say chimpanzee?

Ohh!

Ohh!

Monkey junk!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Ohh.

Oh, my goodness, pick up,

pick up, pick up, pick up,

pick up, pick up, pick up.

Damn! Hey, it's me.

I'm totally gonna miss my flight.

I am so sorry. Can you just

tell Mom that something happened?

I don't know, say something,

like, spice it up or something.

Tell her that there was an

earthquake or something like that.

It's like home to me

On a crazy spree

I can't let you be...

Man, just right up here

on your right is cool.

Thank you.

- That card's been declined.

- Of course it is.

Yeah, I'm sure I have

cash... oh, Christ!

- Louis, you...

- Hello, hello, hello, you!

Mmm!

So, uh, you need a buck or,

uh, maybe you'd rather...

Yes, I need a buck. Just...

Lou, just pay the man, yeah?

Here you go, pally.

Keep it.

Here you go.

- Oh, let me get that.

- No, I got it.

- No, I got it.

- No, Lou, I got it.

I got it. I'm here for

you, I'm here for you.

- Nothing but a chicken wing.

- You're getting it. Okay.

- I am here for you.

- Okay, excuse me.

So, uh, rumor in the hood is that you

are newly single. What's that all about?

Uh, well, my husband died a year ago,

so it's not that new.

Yeah, but you're still single, right?

- Am I right?

- Not necessarily, all right?

A lot can happen in a year.

- Yeah, like what?

- Like...

'90s hair can go out of style...

are you still wearing that cologne?

- That's my Sean John.

- Ugh.

Oh, and, like, '90s tight acid-washed

jeans didn't go out of style?

These aren't acid-washed jeans.

- Psst.

- Hey, Louie, you almost ready?

- Hey, Dom, give me five.

- We don't have five, Lou.

It's Thirsty Thursdays, we open early.

Dom, I'd like you to

meet my lady friend Lexie.

- Lexie, this is...

- It's Alexis, it's Alexis.

- Alexis, this is my friend...

- Boss.

My boss friend Dominic.

- Alexis.

- Nice to meet you.

Hey, you should bring her

by the club some night.

First two rounds are on me.

Ooh! Big spender! Big man on campus.

All right, see you later,

Lou-Lou. Gotta go see my family.

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