Sleeping with the Fishes Page #2

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- I haven't seen my family in a while.

As always,

it is a pleasure and a

privilege.

You're still saying that?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Before I forget, uh...

Freestyle Fridays. Yours truly's DJ'ing.

Lou-Lou, you did not...

give it to me.

- Okay, Lou.

- I've been ballin' and I hurt my foot,

but I still got moves, baby.

Sure.

Hey, hey, baby girl!

Daddy!

I missed you so much!

Leonard! Are you in the kitchen?

Get out of the fridge.

- I told you we're going to be eating soon.

- Okay.

HolLexita.

You're late.

Yeah, I forgot to tell the pilot

that you were a stickler for time, Mom.

Ma... okay.

So how are you, Mom?

Okay, is this done? I don't

even know what we're doing.

- Lexie.

- I'm sorry, mija.

It's just that we haven't

seen you in so long

and I'm just absorbing...

all of you.

Wow.

You really don't disappoint, do you?

No, Mom, caffeine makes

me sleepy and you know it.

I just need to take a

shower. I had a long flight.

Yes, you go, mamita,

and brush your hair

while you're in there.

And if you need some makeup,

there's plenty in the cabinet.

I have makeup on, Mom.

She looks like mierda.

- Ay.

- Mmm.

- Holy Mother of God.

- Oh, sh*t!

I should have knocked, I'm so sorry.

What if I was really dropping a deuce?

Truthfully, I find it, um,

just a little bit more disturbing

that Mom has a picture of

Daniel alone in the hallway.

Really? I find it more disturbing

that you were having

phone sex with a chimp.

Wait, no, I thought we

weren't gonna touch that one.

- Oh, we weren't? Oh, I'm sorry.

- No.

Oh, my God!

- I missed you.

- I missed you!

Oh, you forget.

Our mother is half hound,

she will find it, believe me.

- Hey, you

found your skinny jeans.

- Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter.

- Thanks.

I think if I fart, I may rip the seams.

Okay. Turn that frown upside down.

- You're home!

- For a funeral.

Well, if that's what it takes so be it.

Anyway, who has time for Danny drama

when our own loving mother is

waiting patiently downstairs

to deliver some novestyle

drama of her own.

Did I tell you that I was jet lagged?

Like, just like this much?

Well, ding, ding, ding!

Let the games begin.

Do I look... fat? Or just bloated?

Is that a trick question?

Come on! I'm just kidding.

You look perfect!

This is gonna be so fun!

We're coming!

Mmm! Mmm, mm, mmm!

Hija, I made it with one percent.

Mamcan she have some food?

Oh! I'm sorrmijita.

She hasn't seen "Real

Women Have Curves" yet.

I got it for her for Mother's Day.

How long have I been home?

Long enough to remember why you left.

So, Dad, how you holding up?

Hmm? Yeah?

Got any last-minute details

you want help with, any

arranging, organizing?

Ay, Dios mo, always the party planner.

Lexita, have you ever

thought about retaking

the dental admissions exam?

Nope, never, not once.

You should.

You know, if I hadn't gone to

trade school to become a hygienist,

I would have

never met your father.

Yeah, see, I don't know what that

has to do with the conversation...

Okay, let me just boom, bang, pow

my way into this potential disaster.

- Party planning is

in Lexie's DNA. Ay, no.

So is bipolar and depression...

Okay, it's in my DNA, I got it.

You know, Mo is giving me a

lot of extra parties, you know?

And with the holidays just a few

months away, I'm gonna be a lot busier.

Santa's gonna need helpers, like...

elves and such.

You know, I wonder why Hanukkah Julio

isn't more popular in Los Angeles,

seeing as it's the city of Jews.

Angels, it's the City of Angels.

- It's the City of Angels?

- Yeah.

And Hanukkah Julio was

a character Dad made up

to make sure that we didn't

feel alone in this world.

What? Dad!

That can't possibly

be a surprise to you.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, since we are

revealing family secrets,

I have one of my own.

Has to do with you, Lexita.

Okay, wait, this is

not another intervention

because I'm down to four pills a day!

Nmija, we gave up on that a while ago.

This isn't a blind date, right, Mom?

No, it's so much better!

I ran into Mrs. Wasserstein

at an open house...

God, does she still

think she's related to us?

In fact, she is related to us.

She's Uncle Stan's ex-wife.

Uh, so, technically she's not.

So, anyway, okay, back to me, thank you.

She knows you're back in town

and she wants you to help with

her daughter's Bat Mitzvah!

- You're welcome!

- What?

- Que qu?

- Dude, is that your little secret?

Yes! Are you surprised?

Because... you look surprised.

- This...

- Yeah.

...this is not

surprised, this is pissed.

- What did you tell her?

- I told her hell yeah, of course.

Did you tell her that I don't

have a business anymore, Kayla?

- No.

- Lexita, you know that we don't tell

- other people those things.

- Whatever.

- You're kidding, right?

- No.

- Right?

- No!

- Right?! Dude!

- No.

Come on! I have a life

that's 3,000 miles away.

- You have a life 3,000...

- I have a life 3,000 miles away

and I can't just put

it on hold because...

because you want to book an

event for me without my consent.

Lexie, look.

If you take this job,

maybe you can make some, uh,

some connections, all right?

And this way Wonder

Bash can have a new life,

a rebirth of a sort

right here in New York.

Do you see how good that sounds?

Oh, does it? Does it really?

It does sound good. You

know what else sounds good?

Paying your bills

or pay for some plane tickets.

I thought we all

discussed this already.

Alexis needs stability.

And party planning will not allow her

the time she needs to

get her life together.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, pause, on you.

When did we have a conversation

about my life without me?

I don't remember that.

We're a family, we do it all the time.

Lexita, don't you

think it's time for you

to move on from the parties?

From the kiddie parties

and the raccoon costumes?

For the one millionth time, Mom,

Kung Fu Panda is a panda,

not a freaking raccoon!

Lexie, Lexie, Lexie... Come on, Lexie!

Right now I need a little air, Dad.

I mean, look at my plate.

Ay.

It's the jeans. They're so tight.

- She makes me sweat.

- Mom, come on, she's just...

Listen, reality sucks for her right now.

Once it starts getting better,

she'll live in it again.

Why should this night be any

different than the other night?

Is that a trick question?

You have one new message.

Mo here.

Hope everything's

going good with the fam.

I got some awesome news!

Thought it was worth a quick call.

Mrs. Lopez wants to have her

son's fifth birthday next Sunday

and she requested Handy Manny!

Hola! So I thought of you.

I know you need the cash.

Give me a call, let me

know if you're available.

I hear he's much more

popular than Dora these days.

Vodka, soda, no ice, still your fave?

Why did

you agree to it, Kayla?

Because you need it

and because you need to pay

me back for my plane tickets.

Mo just got me another job.

I'm gonna be able to pay you

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