Sleepwalk with Me

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Before we begin,

I just want to ask you

to turn off your phone.

I say that 'cause I was

at a movie recently,

and the guy next to me answered

his phone during the movie.

And he answered it by saying-

and I quote...

he said, "Who dis?"

Which means, not only was he

willing to talk to someone;

He was willing

to talk to anyone.

He didn't care who it "das."

Thanks.

I'm not sure what the past tense

of "dis" is,

but he did not care

who it "das."

I'm gonna tell you a story,

and-and it's true.

I always have to tell people

that because, inevitably,

someone will come up to me,

and they'll be like,

"Was that true?"

And I'll be like, "Yeah."

And they'll be like, "Was it?"

I don't know

how to respond to that.

Like, I guess I could

say it louder, you know,

like, "Yeah!"

They'd be like,

"it's probably true.

He said it louder."

God.

Are you okay?

Yes, yes.

It all started

when my girlfriend Abby and I

decided to move in toether.

I wasn't entirely sure

it was the best idea.

Hardwood floors, lots of room.

My apartment now is only

slightly bigger than my body.

So this is better?

Yeah, yeah, this is better.

Good.

It's so dark in here,

so we can paint.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, if you like it,

you should act quickly,

because this will go today.

Well, I love it.

Matt, do you love it?

Do you-what do you want...

Iwell, I mean, do you think

we should see other places,

or are we rushing here?

Mm, well...

Mm...

Mm?

Yeah.

We'll take it.

Good. Let's fill out...

I just didn't feel like

my life was on sure footing.

You know, Abby was always

the more focused

of the two of us.

Abby was teaching

these vocal workshops

at a studio in Brooklyn,

and her students loved her.

Meanwhile, I was trying

to be a comedian,

which was not going so well.

When I was a kid,

I wanted to be a comedian,

a rapper, or the owner

of a pizza restaurant

where third graders

could hang out.

I didn't realize that

instead of being a comedian,

I would end up

just working at a bar

where they have comedy.

Like, over time,

I've learned to become

more realistic about my goals.

Like, over time, for me,

the dream has gone from

getting famous doing comedy

to making a living doing comedy

to finding $20 in the street.

I feel like that's

way more realistic...

So it wasn't going too well.

But I kept telling myself

that it was,

because you-

I think, to be a comedian,

you have to be

a little bit delusional.

Particularly starting out,

there's just so much failure.

And amidst that failure,

you have to tell yourself,

"it's going quite nicely."

Because if you didn't, you would

just never get onstage again.

You'd be like, "I guess

human beings don't like me."

That's a hard reality to face.

As a matter of fact,

there are a lot of realities

I have a hard time facing.

But we'll get to that later.

Hey...

Hi.

I, I packed the blue thing

and then the pink thing

that goes under it.

Perfect.

And I got you these.

They didn't have unsalted,

so I flew to Africa

and got you those, specially.

Thank you, Abby.

That was a great class.

Bye, Martin. Thanks.

Thanks.

Listen, the class was not...

Really? That guy seemed happy.

And could you sign that?

That's for Janet.

They have a whole section now

for "Your Sister's

Engagement Party" cards.

Wow. This is really specific.

Yeah.

I was gonna cross some stuff

out, you know...

Yeah?

No mention of divorce rate

or...

Do you want me

to write that in?

Yeah, you could write it in.

To Janet and Philip.

Last year, my younger sister

Janet got engaged.

That's Janet.

And those are my parents.

You know, marriage is like...

Well, you know,

it's like this cake, you know?

When you first bite into it,

you can't imagine

anything better,

and you eat, and you eat,

and then maybe

you've had enough cake.

My mom seems

to drive my father insane.

She always wants to add

one more thing.

Ooh, and one more thing.

But it's rarely anything that

deserves to be one more thing.

I got the cake on the internet.

You're next.

Yeah, just look around, man.

All of this is-

it's coming your way, baby.

Batter up.

She's beautiful.

Look at her.

She's a keeper.

Philip proposed to Janet

It was 21/2 years.

It was almost 3.

Very sweet.

It was so sweet.

And, boy, they've come

a long way since then,

because Janet told me

that at the end

of their first date...

Mom, you don't have to tell

that story.

That's not necessary.

Philip said,

at the end of their first date,

"Good night, Gina."

And her name is Janet.

He didn't know her name, honey.

Linda, what are you

talking about in there?

Frank, we're talking in here.

You ought to join us.

Well, I know her name now.

I only call her "Gina" in bed.

You can't say that.

Just tell me,

what are you talking about?

Philip knows Janet's name!

Matt, how long have

you and Abby been together?

Eight-eight years.

Eight years.

I don't remember it

being so long.

That's silly.

That's ridiculous.

I used to save everything.

Listen to this email that

you sent me sophomore spring.

I actually printed these.

That's very generous of you.

You're very stingy with toner.

Aw...

"Matt, my parents want me

to go to law school,

"but I'm like, 'Whatever.

I'm gonna move to New York

with my band."'

Yeah, and then that band

will break up,

and then I'll have

another band,

and then that band

will break up,

and then I'll teach...

My God.

Ahl.

Shh, you're gonna wake up

my parents.

"You're a keeper."

Right.

And what does that imply?

That you're onna

rip a hook out of my mouth

and throw me back?

They're gonna let me live?

Here.

And Uncle Max is so subtle

with that whole,

"You're next," thing.

It's just like, these people

just have no lives, you know?

I mean, you don't want

to get married, right?

Are you asking?

No,

Then, no, I guess.

Abby, there's a jackal

in the room.

Abby, there's a jackal

in the room!

What?

There's a jackal, right there.

There's no jackal.

Come back to bed.

What's going on?

There, there.

Matthew?

There's a jackal.

That's-there's no jackal,

Matthew.

That's the hamper.

Go to bed, sweetie.

"There's a jackal in the room,"

right, son?

"Sweetheart, wake up.

There is no jackal.

Wake up."

I think they get it, Mom, yeah.

And he's in this, like,

little karate pose,

so sweet, in the corner.

And he didn't even take karate,

though.

Hey, Matt, you were no belt

in karate, I believe?

That's what it was.

- How are you at kung fu?

- Pretty good.

Dad, what are you doing?

How long has this sleepwalking

been going on?

No, Dad, you're gonna get

another heart attack if...

- Calm down.

- Hush, hush.

He doesn't care.

You know,

I work with some physicians

over at the hospital who

specialize in sleep disorders.

I could make a referral.

That might be really helpful.

I don't think

it's that serious.

You know,

it's only happened once.

Probably just a fluke.

Well, it's something

to keep an eye on.

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