Sleepwalk with Me Page #2

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Abby, can I count on you

to tell me if it happens again?

Thank you.

This bacon is delicious, honey.

Really greasy.

Turn right on Horse Neck Road.

You need money?

No, Dad, I have a job.

Why is that funny?

Well, you need some goddamn

reality testin.

You need a car?

No, I don't really drive.

Right.

You could have this car.

We're giving it up.

I don't know.

What do you think, Abby?

Matt...

'lol N,

No, take it.

- Thanks.

- Mmmmm.

Are we okay?

Is something wrong?

Matt, I'm not saying

I need to get married right now

or anythin.

Just-the idea that I spend

all of my time with a person

who can't even imagine that

as a possibility is just weird.

I know what you mean.

What can I say?

She was right.

But at this point in my life,

I mean, I was figuring out

some really basic stuff like:

What am I gonna do

with my life,

and where do you buy cereal?

You know?

I mean, I never thought

of marriage as a goal.

Like, I never looked

at my parents' marriage

or really anyone who'd been

married more than 30 years

and thought, "I got to get me

some of that."

But Abby was the greatest person

I'd ever met in my life.

I fell for Abby

from the moment I saw her.

She had this big,

beautiful smile.

Like, it seemed like her teeth

were bigger than her head

but in a sexy way.

So I built up the courage

to say...

HEY...

. HGY...

Il just wanted to say,

I really was moved

by your performance

just, like, on every level.

Almost sounds creepy.

No, I meant it

in some of the creepy ways.

I kept running into her

on campus...

HEY...

Because I was following her.

- Matt.

- Matt. Matt.

Hey, Abby.

Hey, Matt, right?

Yeah.

And I'd see her, and I'd say...

Hey, are you free, like,

this weekend?

She'd say no,

which was hot also,

'cause I knew she was sensible.

No, really, we're arranging

four new sons,

and they all need rehearsal...

Eventually, I threw her

an off-speed pitch.

I said...

Do you want to go

to church sometime?

What?

Well, I haven't been to church

since I was, like, ten,

but there's this nice chapel

here on campus,

and I was thinking,

if the date doesn't go well,

maybe we'll get something

out of the homily.

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now J'

J' Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh J'

Abby actually

had to convince me

to have sex for the first time.

I think I really want to.

Yeah.

Get out of here!

Sorry.

She decided we'd go

to a bed-and-breakfast,

because nothing alleviates

the fear of sex

for the first time

like a really elaborate plan.

It was, like, a reversal

of those '80s high school movies

where the girl is like,

"Devin, I can't."

And Devin's like,

"But you can."

She was Devin,

and I was Molly Ringwald.

I think falling in love

for the first time

is such a transcendent feeling.

You know, it's like eating

pizza-flavored ice cream.

Your brain can't even process

that level of joy.

Is there anyone else?

Yeah?

Yeah? Come on.

Whoo!

I was thinking about

Cookie Monster, you know?

And I was just thinking, like,

do you think he...

this guy has

an eating disorder?

Like, all he eats is cookies,

and he doesn't even

have a throat.

You know, like,

he's only fooling himself.

Um, and I was...

like, I was thinking about

stick insects, you know?

And, like, if I were an insect...

I'm not an insect.

Like, I know that.

But, like, if I were

an insect, like,

I'd hate to be a stick insect

'cause all the other insects

are always, like,

bumping into you

'cause they don't know

you're there,

"and you got to just be like,

'Watch it."

And they're like,

"Yeah, you look like a stick."

And you're just like,

"Yeah, I have eyes."

And they're like,

"Yeah, they were closed.

More sticks."

That's all the jokes I have.

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

- That was amazing.

- Yeah?

That was a comedian.

I really feel like

our whole lives,

no matter how low

our self-esteem gets,

there's some part of us

that thinks,

"I have a secret special skill

that no one knows about."

And eventually,

we meet someone who's like,

"You have a secret

special skill."

And you're like, "I know.

So do you."

Let's eat pizza-flavored

ice cream together."

And that's love.

It's a mountain

of pizza-flavored ice cream.

And delusion.

You had a nice, big wedding?

Yeah, it was really beautiful.

You guys grow up together?

You could say so.

We lived in the same borough.

Like, one train ride away.

So Tommy's a good-looking guy,

huh?

Well, I think so.

You think it was love

at first sight?

Absolutely, yeah.

Tommy, what's your favorite

thing about Tammy?

I like how Tammy's beautiful

on the outside.

When you get to know her,

you realize she's beautiful

on the inside.

Well, I didn't know

what Prince Charming was

until I met Tommy.

And now I know

what Prince Charming is.

Honey, did you record this?

She could just like

those shows.

I don't think anyone

likes those shows.

I like those shows.

Sorry.

Ll don't know.

Sorry. Could you hold this?

Yeah.

I just don't understand

what the big deal is.

Right, like, I-I don't know.

I just had always assumed

that you guys would get married,

you know?

She's amazing.

I think that's the problem.

You know, it's like,

that's how Mom and Dad feel,

and that's how

me and Abby's friends feel.

Like, I think everyone thinks

the best thing about my life

is my girlfriend.

It'syou're-

you're gonna be fine.

It sounds to me like

you just need a little space.

Yeah.

No, you're probably right.

You guys should take

a breather.

What does that even mean now?

I mean, is it-like, she has sex

with some stranger?

Yes. Probably.

That's unbearable.

Yeah, but-no, but you would

never know about it.

- That's worse.

- I know.

. Right?

No, do people ever take,

like, a "no sex" breather?

Is that something

that people could do?

- No.

- Do people have that?

No, I don't think

anyone has that.

- No? Okay.

- No.

You should-

you should talk to her.

Bring it up with her.

See what she says.

Yeah.

No, I-Yeah, I'm gonna do...

Any wealthy people

with us tonight?

Any ultrarich millionaires?

I doubt it.

I've actually begun

dipping a few of my own toes

in the financial waters.

I've discovered I can turn

$1,000 into $420

in less than a week.

I have the rest of my money

in one of these online banks.

Anyone else have money tied up

in one of these shady

institutions?

Are you okay, Pandamiglio?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

. HGY...

You okay?

"- Yeah. Just"

I was just talking to Janet

and-today.

She-she had this thought.

What was the thought?

Well...

Um, well, she was saying that...

Can I get a Jameson rocks?

Yeah, yeah.

Great set.

I, - I'm a comedian as well.

I perform here sometimes.

Jameson...

Sure.

Anyway, it's...

She just had this thought

where she was just like...

Hey, guys!

Hey!

Hello!

There's our guy.

So adorable.

- Yeah.

- Hi, Butler.

Nice boots.

Hey, can we get

a couple free drinks?

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