Sleuth

- Yes?

- Andrew Wyke?

That's right.

I'm Milo Tindle.

Oh, yes, good.

Glad to meet you.

You got the train to Charlebury,

did you?

- I drove.

- Oh, you drove?

That's my car.

Oh, the little one?

- Not the big one.

- No, the big one's mine.

What do you think of it?

- Very handsome.

- Yeah.

It is, isn't it?

Come in.

I was watching a video

of one of my books on television.

Like the house?

Extraordinary.

You know who designed it,

who the interior decorator was?

Yes, your wife.

You knew?

Yes, I knew.

I'll show you around later.

Have a drink. I'm drinking vodka.

- Scotch, please.

- Scotch.

Milo, what an interesting name.

You're a foreigner, I take it?

My father's Italian.

Milo sounds Hungarian.

Does it?

Here's your Scotch.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You sure your father

isn't Hungarian?

Well, if he is,

he's kept it a dead secret for years.

- And your mother?

- English.

So you're a kind of half-breed?

Sit down.

- Thanks for agreeing to see me.

- Not at all.

I didn't know you wrote plays

for television.

I don't. I write crime novels.

You must know that.

I had heard.

But sometimes they're adapted

for television by other people.

You know what the word

adapted means, I take it?

Adapted?

They may not have such a word

in Italian.

- I speak English.

- Good.

Come and have a look

at my special book room.

These are all my novels.

You've read them, I suppose?

Afraid not.

Good God, no?

What about this one?

- Rat in a Trap?

- No.

- The Obelisk?

- No.

- Blackout?

- No.

- Dead Fish?

- Afraid not.

God, you're one in a million.

- Am I?

- Oh, absolu... I'm very popular.

You see this shelf?

Translations.

French, Dutch, German.

You speak Dutch yourself, do you?

Yes, how did you know?

I have a Dutch uncle.

Can't see any Italian translations.

No, they're a funny lot, the Italians.

Culture isn't really their thing.

Their salami's good, though.

- Oh, is it?

- Italian salami? Best in the world.

Did you bring any with you?

- No, I left it at home.

- Oh, shame.

We're gonna have it

for supper tonight.

With a couple of bottles

of Valpolicella.

- We?

- Maggie and me.

Your glass is empty.

What were you drinking, vodka?

- Scotch.

- Scotch.

I want to come to the point.

Point? What point?

Are you gonna give Maggie

a divorce?

And if not, why not?

Yeah, yes, yes, we'll come to that.

She thinks

you're being unreasonable.

So do I.

She's never coming back to you,

so why not just give her the divorce?

It'll do her good to wait for five years.

Good for her character.

You're going to make her wait

five years?

- That's the law. The law of the land.

- But that's pure spite.

Anyway, we'll get back to that,

perhaps. Have your drink first.

What do you do, by the way?

I'm an actor.

Good God. Are you really?

I thought Maggie said

you were a hairdresser.

She must have been talking

about someone else.

You mean another friend?

Another friend?

She tends to have

more than one friend.

- Does she?

- Oh, yes.

I'm her only friend.

She must be lonely.

She's not.

Acting is a pretty precarious

profession, isn't it?

What are you acting in

at the moment?

I'm out of work.

Poor chap.

I drive cars now and again,

chauffeuring.

- Oh, tough life.

- I keep my head above water.

What sort of parts do you play?

Killers, mostly.

Sex maniacs, perverts.

But you're so charming.

Yes, I know.

Anyway, what about this divorce?

What's your position, exactly?

All in good time.

Come in.

Have a seat.

Make yourself comfortable.

I understand you're f***ing my wife.

- That's right.

- Right.

Yes, right.

- So we've cleared that up.

- We have.

- I thought you might deny it.

- Why would I deny it?

- Well, she is my wife.

- Yes, but she's f***ing me.

Oh, she's f***ing you too?

Well, I'll be buggered.

- Sorry.

- Yes, it's mutual.

- You take turns?

- We f*** each other.

- That's what people do.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.

- We're in love.

- You're in love?

That's right.

Let me top you up.

I heard a rumor

that you wanted to marry her.

- That can't be true, can it?

- Why not?

In this day and age,

is marriage absolutely necessary?

Isn't it a bit old hat?

- Is it?

- It's a mug's game.

I wouldn't go near it if I were you.

You can't marry her.

You can't marry her

because she's married to me.

Unless I divorce her, of course.

- And are you?

- Am I what?

Going to divorce her?

Are you really gonna

make her wait five years?

- She wants to know.

- To be honest, I can't wait.

But there are one or two things

I'd like to clear up first.

For example, I've never heard

of an Italian called Tindle.

My father's name is Tindolini.

Now, that's lovely.

That's like a little bell.

Why don't you go back to Tindolini?

It suits you.

- You think so?

- Yes.

So if and when you marry Maggie,

she'll be Maggie Tindolini.

Do you get a kick out of that?

What name do you act under?

Tindle or Tindolini?

- Tindle.

- Why have I never heard of you?

You will before long.

- Really?

- In spades.

- That sounds threatening.

- Does it?

Doesn't it?

Why don't we get down

to brass tacks?

Brass tacks, yes. Why not?

This is the way I see it.

Come upstairs.

I want to show you something.

Are you all right in elevators?

It won't make you sick

or anything, will it?

This is our bedroom.

And this is my wife's dressing room.

She left a few dresses.

Couldn't be bothered to pick them up.

They're worth thousands.

Thousands.

This leather coat alone

is worth 5000 quid.

So you see, the thing is this.

Sit down.

The thing is this,

my wife spends money like water.

So if you're not careful,

she'll eat you out of house and home.

She was born to luxury, you know.

Jamaica, the Ritz, the Swiss Alps.

What are you?

Out-of-work actor, part-time chauffeur.

You're out of your depth, old boy.

You're on a hiding to nothing.

If you think you're broke now...

...you'll be 10 times broker

by the time she's finished with you.

She'll have your guts for garters.

- She's in love with me.

- Oh, never trust in love, chum.

Love will kick you up the arse

as soon as look at you.

One minute, it's love,

That's your own experience, is it?

Oh, no, no, no, that's observation.

Don't forget, I'm a novelist.

I observe people.

What I'm getting at is you won't

be able to give her what she wants.

So she's gonna leave you,

come back to me.

I don't want her near me.

That's the last thing I want.

I've had her up to here.

Anyway, I've got this lovely mistress.

She runs a sauna in Swindon.

She's my girl.

So you see,

I want Maggie to stay with you.

I want you two

to be together forever.

But unless you listen to me...

...the whole thing

will be a f***ing disaster...

...with catastrophic consequences

all round.

But I have a solution.

You won't believe

what I'm gonna say.

What are you gonna say?

I'm all ears.

You know something?

I'm beginning to respond

to your charm.

- Get away.

- No, it's true.

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