Sleuth Page #2

- I'm really touched.

- You should be.

Tell me, I bet you didn't expect me

to be so intelligent.

So quick-witted, did you?

Oh, I did.

Quite.

Maggie told you, did she?

What's your solution?

It's a close fit, isn't it?

For two.

Listen, I'm going

to make you a proposition.

A few years ago,

I gave her some jewels.

Amazingly expensive.

I didn't give them to her, I own them.

They're insured in my name.

But I let her use them

on special occasions.

They're worth 1 million pounds.

They spend half the time in the bank,

half the time in the safe.

At the moment, they're here

in the house, in the safe.

And I want you to steal them.

- Steal them?

- That's right.

- What the hell do you mean?

- I want you to steal the jewels.

You want me to steal the jewels?

I don't get it.

It's simple. You steal the jewels,

sell them abroad...

...and you live happily ever after

with Maggie.

I get rid of my wife

and I'll be like a pig in sh*t.

You can keep Maggie in the manner

to which she's become accustomed.

You want me to take part

in a scummy little plot...

...to defraud your insurance company,

is that it?

I thought it was quite elegant.

What do you think I am?

What the f***

are you actually talking about?

- These are real facts.

- This is a joke.

- No.

- It's also a trap.

- A trap?

- Yes. You think I'm a fool.

Well, are you?

- It doesn't hold up.

- Why not?

They're worth a million pounds. You'd

get a fraction of that from any fence.

I have already contacted

a friend of mine in Amsterdam.

And he will give you

Now, think about it.

Eight hundred thousand pounds...

...tax-free.

Why would he do that?

When you steal the jewels,

you will also steal the receipts.

So he'll have title to the jewels

as well as the jewels themselves...

...so that when he sells them,

he gets full value.

Got it?

Think about it.

Take your time.

And why would you do all this?

Listen, under this crooked exterior,

I am a simple, honest man.

Every word I've told you is true,

I swear it.

I want to get rid of my wife,

but I want it to be solid, permanent.

I don't want her on my back.

I want her to stay on your back.

This is a frame-up.

- A frame-up?

- Yes.

You want to destroy me.

You want to see me in jail.

You want me to do this

and then shop me to the police.

No, no, no.

If I shop you, then you'll shop me,

and then we'll both end up in jail.

No, I take a strictly moral position

on all this.

My wife is an adulteress.

Actually,

she should be stoned to death.

Anyway, it's up to you.

Make up your own mind.

You're asking me to trust you?

I don't give a f***

if you trust me or not.

This is a simple proposition.

You have an expensive woman

and no money.

You wanna keep the woman,

steal the jewels.

Why don't you steal the jewels

and give them to me?

Don't be a bloody fool.

The burglary has to be right.

The house has to be broken into.

- Why don't you break into it?

- For chrissake, I'm in it.

How can I break into it? I live here.

Okay.

If I were to agree to do this,

would you agree to the divorce?

Why should I give her the divorce...

...if you're both walking away

with 800,000 pounds?

She wants a legal settlement.

- She wants part of your estate.

- Greedy.

That's legal justice.

Never trust in legal justice.

You know what legal justice is?

It's farting "Annie Laurie"

through a keyhole.

Listen, 800,000 pounds...

...tax-free.

All yours, in cash.

- Why don't you stop pissing around?

- But wait a minute.

You get a million

from the insurance.

Sure I do.

Well, all right, I'll be frank.

I need it. Cash flow,

stocks, shares going down.

Get me? Quid pro quo.

You do me a favor, I do you a favor,

you keep the woman.

Okay.

Let's make a deal.

- What deal?

- I break in, I steal the jewels.

And you agree to the divorce.

That's the deal. Otherwise, f*** it.

That's another quid pro quo.

But you have to shake on it.

All right.

I'll shake on it.

Here's my hand.

Okay.

Okay. So, what do I do?

You break in.

You see that skylight up there?

Well, that window there is the only one

that the burglar alarm doesn't touch.

You get in there.

- That's pretty high up.

- Well, you climb a ladder.

- I'm not good at heights.

- You can do it.

Honestly, I know you can.

- You're having me on.

- Oh, come on. Behave like a man.

A man of action.

You don't have to be a hairdresser

for the rest of your life.

You can be free, independent,

take care of the woman you love.

Listen...

Put this on.

I use it to communicate

with my gardener.

Lovely. Actually, it suits you.

This is what you do. You go outside.

Across the lawn, there's a shed.

Behind the shed, there's a ladder.

You take the ladder, put it up

against the wall of the house...

...and I direct you

through the earphone.

- Are you with me?

- Well, yes, yes.

- But I'm anxious and frightened.

- Trust me.

- But I don't.

- Well, trust me and all will be well.

Just follow my advice.

It's got to look real.

We have to convince

the insurance people...

...and the police,

if you see what I mean.

Maggie never told me

you were such a manipulator.

She told me

you were no good in bed.

But she never told me

you were a manipulator.

- She told you I was no good in bed?

- Oh, yes.

She was joking.

I'm wonderful in bed.

I must tell her.

- There's the shed across the lawn.

- Shed, yeah.

- There's the ladder behind the shed.

- The ladder?

The ladder.

Inside the shed,

there's a pair of gardening gloves.

Put them on. By the gardening gloves,

there's a hammer.

You go round the back of the house.

Put the ladder up against the wall

by the lower roof.

Then, carry the hammer up the ladder

on to the lower roof.

Then, you pull the ladder up

on to the main roof...

...and break the skylight window

with the hammer.

Wait a minute.

You've forgotten one major item.

What?

Once I'm in,

how do I get down to floor level?

Didn't I tell you? Oh, sorry.

You see that small metal door

up there?

Inside, there's an electric ladder.

You get through the window,

I press a button.

The ladder descends.

- You get on and climb down.

- Let me see it descend.

- What?

- Let me see it come down now.

Sure.

See? Easy as pissing.

- I have a funny feeling that I'm a c*nt.

- Of course you're a c*nt.

But so what?

You'll end up a wealthy man.

Obey the rules. Just obey the rules.

- Whose rules?

- My rules.

Go and get the other ladder.

Can you see the ladder?

Can I see the ladder?

Place the ladder against the wall.

Okay.

Extend the ladder.

Okay.

- Climb up the ladder.

- Okay!

Climb up the ladder.

Why am I doing this?

Keep calm. Keep calm.

Keep coming. Keep coming.

- Watch your step.

- Jesus.

Keep calm.

- Watch your step.

- I'm gonna die.

F***.

Don't stop. Keep going.

Don't look down.

You're at the window.

Smash it.

Fantastic.

- Where's the ladder?

- What ladder?

The ladder. Where's it gone?

It's not working. There was

always a dodgy fuse on this.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote