Slightly Single in L.A. Page #2

a little lonely.

No pictures.

Oh, that's actually not my girlfriend

it's just a girl who's my friend.

Oh right, um hum.

Hey, Cece this is my friend Dale.

- Hi.

- Hey, nice to meet you.

I'm just going to get my stuff.

Ok, we will...

Don't forget to email me.

Don't forget to come.

So you guys all went to Catholic

boarding school together?

OK I can't imagine that.

We've known each other since

we were fifteen.

And I'm actually the oldest.

It's pretty safe to say that

Jill's obsession with aging

and getting married in due time

started back in Catholic school

and specifically our first communion.

We got to walk down the isle

like mini brides to be.

Comparing prettiest dresses...

and fanciest bows.

This is where Jill got programmed

to plan for the next time...

she would walk down the aisle...

dressed in white.

You are getting married

A little toy here or there

never hurt anyone.

Plus it comes with a carrying case.

Oh!

That is such an inappropriate gift.

What you're saying you don't masturbate?

No personally I don't masturbate.

I find it to be a little bit... un-holy.

Wouldn't you agree?

Jillian thank you I love this!

Dale have you talked to JP?

No.

I mean he called twice but...

Hey, I heard you saw Zach.

Oh yeah.

I saw his video on TV the other day

he looks so good.

Did you guys make plans to hang out?

No we just caught up for a second.

He was with a girlfriend.

Hmmm...

Ok what is up?

What?

You look like either have to pee

or you're about to explode with gossip.

- Do I?

- Which is it?

Ok I already told Becca

but since you asked... girls...

Jill you can just tell me later.

Stacy I'm so sorry...

I don't mean to spoil your

special little moment.

But I have a huge announcement to make...

I'm getting married!

Isn't it gorgeous?

Do you love it?

It was the most amazing night you guys.

I don't want to just be

your girlfriend anymore!

It's not that I don't... love you...

It's not fair, I can' take this limbo!

I know...

You either marry me or you leave me!

It was the most romantic night

of my life.

What can I say, he's the best.

You've got to be kidding me!

Drew, I'm sorry but he was hitting

on me less than two months ago.

Ok... he wasn't hitting on you, Hallie.

He was flirting with you.

Guys are allowed to flirt,

it's a human condition.

It's natural.

You think everyone is flirting with you.

I don't know I just think it's weird

if a guy is ultra flirtatious...

and in a committed relationship.

And not to mention that he's

in the business.

Men in the entertainment industry

are instinctively douche bags.

No? No I like Drew.

I don't think he's a douche bag.

Well... Who came up with the term

douche bag anyway?

It's kind of disgusting.

Jill wants to get married just to get

married because she thinks it's time.

Hallie you couldn't even possibly relate

to Jill.

And why is that?

Because you're rich.

I mean... seriously.

Everything is handed to you

and you can buy whatever you want

so just buy a boyfriend.

What?

Are you acting right now

because this is hilarious.

I just want a rich boyfriend

to take care of me.

Did she really just say that?

Did Jill tell you guys...

That she didn't get picked up for

another season of "Babes and Barflies"?

Her agent told her it's because

she's too old and too fat.

That's not funny.

Seriously!

I was at a call back like two days ago

and the producer told my agent that

my butt looked big in a bikini.

There are specific trigger words

that cause me to temporarily tune

out of a conversation.

And Becca just...

just triggered three of them.

Producer...

Call back...

Agent...

It makes me space out

for like 30 seconds.

And its OK as long as I return back

in time

to assure Becca her but is perfect.

That is crazy Becca... you're perfect.

Don't listen to that.

Exactly. Douche bags.

As bad as they sound

it's not like my friends...

or the people of Los Angeles are

any more narcissistic

than the rest of the world.

It's just that...

no one cares to hide it at all.

Do you know how many married men hit

on me in a week?

No tell us.

I don't really know the exact number

but it's figgin high.

At least this is what I tell myself.

Come on guys let's go.

All I know for certain is that dating

in this city sucks and I'm dying.

Thank you.

I'm serious, I'm done.

You guys don't hate me

but I might pass on going out tonight.

What? No, no you are going.

You just got out of a crappy

relationship and you are single.

Plus you our designated driver.

Thanks a lot for the guilt.

Going out in LA isn't quite like

it is in any other city.

Because of the whole who's who factor...

that this place evolves around.

So unless you're an A List

B List or C List celebrity...

work in the A List... arena

or you're a friend of the club Jonathan

slash door Nazi then...

yeah it's pretty much impossible

to get in.

Bottom line there are three major

questions in Hollywood.

Who are you? What do you do?

And who are your friends?

If you are not on the list leave.

Oh, honey not in my club.

Natural hair colors only.

Anthony!

Oh, hi. Of course come on in.

Great, Jonathan's working the door.

Sorry, ladies, we're full.

Seven really?

You want in my club?

I texted you three times last three

three times!

Is your phone broken? Or your thumbs?

Ok look, we're on the list.

Here you see that?

Let them in.

You tot's owe me Seven.

Nice natural looking good.

Ah uh Brett Michaels is waiting

down over there and you darling

Sunset Strip is that way.

Dude. This chick has the biggest

tits you've ever seen.

Hey, Jamie did her

and said she was wild in bed.

Jamie, bro you don't want his sloppy

second are you kidding me?

They call him herp for a reason.

Hey, check out the old dude

and the cougar.

Sweetheart I'm sorry there's been some

kind of misunderstanding there you go.

Tom how many times do I have to tell you

I only date girls 25 and younger.

I'm sorry...

Oh my God is that David Spade

over there?

He's hot.

God this town is so disgusting.

Oh my God, check this guy out.

That's the producer I met

the other night.

He is so hot and well connected...

oh. Out or my way...

Uh oh...

Don't look over there.

Oh you've got to be kidding me.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I'm just...

Skank!

Dale, Baby. What you do here?

Wow let me guess... Baby's mama?

Did you just call me a baby?

Baby she didn't just call me a baby

now did she?

What?

Don't screw with me slut!

Excuse me?

You don't know her do you JP?

Yeah baby. This is Dale.

Not anymore you don't.

Bye bye.

This is my first b*tch slap but seeing

the look on her Botoxed face.

You deserve him!

Totally makes it worth it,

I like!

And he's going to put me

in his next movie.

But isn't he kind of old?

Aren't you going to have to you know...

Do him? Probably.

Oh God!

If I have to stand here

and listen to this bimbo yap

about the blowj*b she'll have to give

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