Small Apartments Page #2

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my mom doesn't know.

And I don't care. It's not like

you're jerking off in front of me.

And you're not totally

disgusting for an old guy.

Really?

Thank you.

What are you, like, 50?

My friend Amber and me?

We're going to Vegas.

We're gonna be dancers.

Vegas?

Mmm-hmm.

Dancers.

We've been chatting with

this one guy online.

His buddy owns a few clubs.

It's gonna be pretty cool.

I can't wait to

have my own money.

Hey, what are you doing at

midnight tonight, Mr. Peepers?

Uh, I don't...

Okay, tonight is

gonna be your lucky night.

I think tonight I'm

gonna give you a show

that you're

never gonna forget.

Midnight.

Don't you be late.

I can't look at that face.

Have a nice day.

Oh!

Hey!

Hey!

These front lights are supposed

to be on from dusk till dawn!

I think it's broken!

What?

I said, the light,

I think it's broken!

- I think they're broken!

- I think they're broken.

Well, it can't be broken, you

idiot! I just turned the light on!

Oh, then I guess you

fixed them, so nice job!

What are you doing?

Uh... Packing.

Packing? Like,

trip packing? Like that?

Yeah. I'm...

'Cause I'm moving.

I'm moving

to Switzerland.

Switzerland?

Land of the cuckoo clock.

That's perfect.

I don't think it's funny that

I would move to Switzerland.

There's nothing funny

about that. People do it.

By all means, you move.

Please, just move.

I mean, go to Bum-F***,

China, if you like.

Well, I'm not gonna go there.

Right, well, wherever you decide

to go, just do it in a hurry.

And I'm gonna ask,

maybe, Olivetti to...

You know, rent to somebody less

musically inclined than you.

Oh, you can ask him now.

He's lying dead on the ground.

What?

Nothing.

All right, well, listen. You have

a great time in Sweden, all right?

Switzerland.

Same sh*t.

No, it's not the same sh*t.

It's like two

different shits, okay?

Well, look, make sure these

lights stay on, all right?

Oh!

Mr. Olivetti didn't look at all

like my mother when she passed.

My mother looked peaceful.

Like all her pain had

suddenly just vanished.

Before Mom died, she made Bernard

promise to take care of me.

The first thing he did was to

drop a bowling ball on my foot.

Bernard's ball broke

The nail on my big

toe never grew back.

And I lost all

my hair, forever.

I think he was

trying to protect me,

because we aren't just

brothers. We're best friends.

We used to go

everywhere together.

Until one day, when

things started to change.

Can I get this?

You want to become mentally

fit and physically strong.

Yeah, sure, pal.

I just wanna see what

this guy has to say.

That was when

he came into the picture.

Minding the...

Dr. Sage Mennox.

Think of your

brain as a muscle

that needs to be

toned and flexed.

Now, the same principle applies

to exercising your sanity.

Look at how

he works the room.

Using my proven methods,

you vastly reduce your

chance of a brain attack.

Achieving true Brain Brawn

is nothing less than the ultimate

Olympics of mental self-discovery.

He's good, isn't he?

Thank you. Thank you.

From that day, things were

never the same again.

He was always

searching for "the answer. "

You know, Dr. Mennox's books

say that my brain is clogged with

emotional cholesterol.

I need to exercise

stronger thoughts.

Yeah.

He said that the answer's

in the books anyway.

And they are best-sellers,

so, you know...

I think he was trying

to tell me something.

You know, this is funny.

He said that crazy people,

they don't look any

different than normal people.

You know, they don't

walk around on

the streets wearing their

pajamas.

They look like you and me.

And they're at our

job and in our home

and in our family.

I get these headaches.

Uh-huh.

And they just don't go away.

It's like, you know,

like you've taken a big slug off a

Slurpee and it just stays with me.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm okay.

I want you to

know that I'm...

I'm looking out for you.

But I could tell

something was wrong.

And I realized,

I was losing my best friend.

Sorry I killed your daddy.

"To whom it may concern... ' '

Dear cruel world...

Ha!

Ah!

Huh.

Oh, God.

Walnut.

Hey, Burt.

It's Detective Rich Holman.

Hey!

Hey, Rich.

How ya doin'?

I'm sorry

if I woke you, Burt.

We're over here in West Adams.

Uniforms responded to a

neighbor's report of a shot fired.

They found a crispy critter

in a garage on the property,

so we're calling in

the county fire investigator.

Looks like tonight, that's

you. And what's your 20?

That's Hotel, Alpha, Romeo...

I got it.

I got it, I got it.

Hey, Burt,

you're gonna love this scene.

What do you mean?

Well, he's still smoking,

if you know what I mean.

You're giving me a boner,

you realize that?

All right, I'm on my way. And don't

touch nothing if you don't have to.

What about my pecker?

You haven't taken your hand off

that since you discovered it.

It's a wonder

you're not blind.

Hey, tell your wife that

I'm sorry if I woke her.

Yeah,

I'll tell her right now.

Hey, sweetheart,

it's Rich Holman.

He said to say he's

sorry if he woke you.

Nothing, man. Flatline. This woman

could sleep in a f***ing sawmill.

I'll see you in a few, Burt.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Let's go to work.

Oh, my gosh, come on!

Come on! Hurry.

Ah! Showtime.

Oh, God. Okay.

Oh, my.

Oh.

This must be what

Switzerland is like.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my.

Oh, pretty lady.

I gotta hide

Olivetti's truck.

How many keys

does the guy got?

What is this thing?

Hey! Hey, white boy!

What you doing, man?

That's a nice truck right

there, you know what I mean?

You're gonna burn out the

clutch if you keep on doing that

and then you're

gonna be damn sorry.

You understand

what I'm saying?

I just want it to go.

It won't go.

Well, is it in gear or what?

I think it was in...

I don't know.

How the hell you

get a truck, man,

you don't know how

to drive it? Huh?

Yeah, can you help

me please, though?

Please?

Yeah. All right.

So...

You're gonna put

your foot on the clutch.

Foot on the clutch.

And you're going to put it

all the way down to the floor.

All right? That's on the

left side of the vehicle...

"Have a nice day. ' '

Hey, Burt.

Yeah.

Good to see ya.

Okay, here's what

we're looking at.

The physical evidence wants

to suggest that the subject

stabbed himself in the chest.

With a screwdriver.

It's a flat-head.

Okay.

He had taped his

hand to the handle

with electrical tape.

Standard grade.

I can see that.

Thank you.

Unsatisfied with that result,

the subject then blew off half

his face using this shotgun.

Uh-huh.

We called you

because the coup de grce

was he ignited himself

with an accelerant.

Turpentine.

Ah.

He thought better of it and extinguished

the fire using this canister.

Quick thinking

with half a face.

Yes. And it appears he has

an oversized

merkin melted into his

private region.

Merkin?

It's a pubic wig.

Really?

Are they normally worn on

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