Small Apartments Page #3

---

the outside of the pants?

Uh...

Apparently he

left a suicide note.

"Attention, fuckwads.

"You can all suck it. ' '

The subject also

broke into his own garage.

The glass was shattered

inwards. It's a classic B and E.

Oh, it's a classic.

There's one more thing.

What's that?

He's missing a toe.

Really?

Huh.

Suicide, huh?

That's what the physical

evidence wants to suggest.

Suicide.

By the way,

how's the wife, Burt?

She's fine, thank you.

She's perfect, actually.

Hey, Rich?

Yeah.

Did he have a vehicle?

I mean, there's

nothing in the driveway.

Yeah, we got Olivetti registered

with a Ford pick-up truck.

We just put out an APB.

He also owns an apartment

building not too far from here.

You want me to

follow up on that lead?

What lead?

The one about the merkin.

Yes. Good idea, Officer.

I want you to work

the merkin angle.

Go to the local merkin store,

check out anybody who's bought

a merkin in the last 72 hours.

Check every size,

small, medium, large.

All different kinds of hair, brunette,

blonde, strawberry blonde, redhead.

Different kinds of hair, human

hair, yak hair, doll hair.

Oh, boy.

So, Burt, what do you think?

Locate that Ford pick-up

truck, we have the perpetrator.

Yeah.

What the f***

do we have here?

Yo, you got a little

car trouble, dawg?

That's some remarkably

shitty-ass driving, yo.

Hey, man,

where you coming from?

Uh, just over there.

Nowhere, really.

Man, look at him, man.

He looks like

a piece of f***ing popcorn.

Yo, you are the whitest

motherf***er I've seen in my life!

I am white!

It's true!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t. Hey, man.

Look. Look, dawg!

I know! I know!

I wanna touch it!

I wanna touch it!

Oh!

Hey, man, that's nice. Hey,

that's like your sister's ass, man.

Man, f*** you, motherf***er!

What?

Man, she's only 13!

Hey, man,

shut the f*** up!

Hey, what the f***

you laughing at, dawg?

Don't f***ing

laugh at that sh*t.

Damn,

I like that watch, dawg.

Yeah,

it's kinda ironic and sh*t.

My brother Bernard

gave me that watch.

Man, let's take that sh*t, dawg. No!

What?

Ow!

That's right.

Did that hurt?

Yo, man.

Yo, kick his ass, man.

Did that hurt? Yeah?

How'd that feel? Huh?

Yeah, I get all Bruce Lee!

Oh, that's gotta hurt!

Yeah, what's up, b*tch?

What'd you say?

Man, gimme that watch!

No!

Shut up, man! What?

Hmm?

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, man, come on, hurry up.

I'm driving.

No, you ain't driving.

You don't got a license, dawg.

Do you want to

be mentally fit,

and physically strong?

Like me?

Achieving true Brain

Brawn begins when you

understand that

your brain is a muscle

that needs to be toned.

Impure thoughts, all forms

of wrong thinking,

makes your brain slow,

soft, lazy.

One second.

Okay.

Hi, Mom.

What are you doing here?

It's 11:
32 in the morning.

I want you to come to church

with me right now.

Are you drunk?

No.

Whatever.

Come with me.

We'll have lunch afterwards. I'll

take you to Chuck E. Cheese's.

I gotta work today.

What, down at

the convenience store?

So you can rent this dump

and buy your drugs?

Well, drugs and

dumps aren't free, Mom.

You have a problem, Thomas.

Really? I have a problem?

So did I...

As you never get

tired of telling me.

But Jesus has

helped me find my way.

Oh, Jesus.

Wasn't it Jesus who said...

Leave Jesus out of this!

I have been to the mountain.

The center of all vortexes!

When you come over,

I feel like I should

line my underpants

with tin foil,

because you're f***ing crazy.

The fact is, though, you were

way less perfidious as a drunk

than you are now

as a Christian.

Yes.

I know that.

I was a terrible mother.

And now I blame myself for

the way you're living now.

I am fine.

Those boys you

smoke dope with,

they're not

your friends, Thomas.

Those whores you commune with,

they don't love you.

Nobody cares

about you like I do.

You're my son.

You are a part of me.

You came out of my hoo-ha.

Mom, I know you're trying to connect

with me when you say stuff like that,

but it's f***ing disgusting.

Listen, Mom,

can I ask you a question?

You can ask me anything.

Can I borrow 20 bucks?

No.

Great Gatsby! What was that?

It's just the fat hermit next

door blowing his f***ing alphorn.

This is an asylum!

Freak!

...your mind

to function at its

maximum potential

of mental fitness,

come down to my life-changing,

three-day seminar.

Learn my principles

and you, too, can attack

your life with

true Brain Brawn!

Where are your clothes?

"Albert Olivetti

"of 1444 Harvard Boulevard...

"Missing Ford pick-up truck...

"Autopsy report...

"Death ruled suspicious. ' '

"No

"envelope

"from

"Bernard. ' '

Bernard!

He never misses a day.

Except for Sundays.

Of course.

And holidays.

Yes, of course. I'm speaking

specifically of regular mail days.

He's never missed

a regular mail day.

I know.

Well,

what do you think's wrong?

Something. Something is wrong.

This is the first day

he's missed in almost a year.

Well, what are you

gonna do about it?

Franklin,

what are you gonna do?

Franklin,

Franklin, Franklin. Franklin!

Go to the psych center.

I can't. He left specific

instructions. F*** that.

Bernard was emphatic.

Fine. Don't go.

You don't think I should?

No. I can drive there if I want to.

I can do what I want.

Don't be crazy!

Don't go! Franklin!

I'm going.

Um...

I'm...

I'm here to visit a resident.

What's the name?

Franklin.

First name?

Franklin.

Okay,

then what's the last name?

Oh, Franklin.

"Franklin Franklin"?

Franklin Franklin.

Look, sir, we do not have a resident

here named Franklin Franklin.

I know this off

the top of my head.

Oh, no, no,

I'm Franklin Franklin.

Then who are you here to see?

Oh, Franklin.

There's another

Franklin Franklin?

Bernard Franklin.

He's my brother.

Right. One moment.

Mr. Franklin?

Mrs. Baker.

Mr. Franklin, do you mind

if I call you Franklin?

No.

Please have a seat.

Franklin, I'm afraid that I

have some very difficult news.

Bernard's dead.

Yes.

Who informed you of this?

Well,

I asked to see my brother,

they show me

into a private room,

you tell me you have

difficult news, I mean...

Well, I'm very sorry

for your loss, Franklin,

but as you know,

Bernard was very sick.

He expired from a hemorrhage

as a result of his brain tumor.

Brain tumor?

Yes, his brain.

You didn't know?

Bernard was diagnosed very

soon after he arrived here,

and the tumor was inoperable.

I assumed that you two spoke.

No.

I didn't...

I mean, so he wasn't...

He...

Why didn't somebody

tell me he was sick?

I'm very sorry that he didn't

share this information with you

but Bernard was

a voluntary resident here,

and the laws that protect

patient confidentiality...

Voluntary?

This is not a prison,

Franklin.

It's a hospital.

Very few of our patients

are committed by the state.

You mean he could have left

here any time he wanted?

Yes.

He took a walk every day until

the tumor impaired his mobility.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes