Small Pond Page #4

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good for another couple of days,

I have something in this bag

that you might take a shine to.

Shall we?

Except... where are we going to get a

"whip-it cracker" at this time of night?

We could always stop by the

Olde Un.

I have an idea! "Andiamo!"

Kirsten, sh*t! What's up?

We've come to party, earthlings.

You brought a friend, it's...

Lynn, right?

Didn't I give you a lift home

from Mojo's the other night?

"Absolutement!"

Can I get you ladies anything to drink?

I got some stones in the fridge.

Hells yes!

That's pretty awesome...

they're not cold or nothin,

but they're pretty expensive,

so...

...here you go.

Is he going to be OK?

Yeah, he's fine. That's just

Brantly,

just f***ing passed out drunk.

Ever since he got this disgusting

nipple piercing at Dreamcatcher,

it's like he won't put his shirt

back on for nothin', and...

it's like he's showing off his f***ing

engagement ring or some sh*t.

Check this out, hold on.

What the f***?

Motherf***er!

You can't stay in there

forever, man, I live here now!

F***, man!

What the f*** you crazy b*tches

want?

We brought "whip-its"!

That sounds pretty good,

actually.

Hey, I'm sorry I called you all

a bunch of crazy b*tches...

you saw that f***er put hot

sauce in my sh*t!

You know what would really help that,

actually? Some fresh aloe vera.

Yeah, well, you know what would

be really good?

Some nitrous oxide in my lungs

and brains, "yo. "

Okay, you got a "whip-it

cracker"?

Oh, yeah!

Sweet.

Oh, sh*t. Balloons!

We got some balloons leftover

from Dawson's birthday party!

Yeah, I know how to treat the

ladies.

So, Brantly, you know my

friend, Lynn?

What's up? I'm Brantly.

"Avec plaisir. "

What, are you from Mexico or

some sh*t?

Hey, you guys ever seen, like,

mixed martial arts fighting?

I'm into that sh*t, man, I

f***ing rock out, man...

What're you doing? Give me that.

Bunch of amateurs!

Show you how it's done... show

you how we do it!

Oh! It's cold, it's cold.

Why, thank you madam.

Dude. I'm f***ing flyin', man,

like...

Come to Kirsten!

I want my wings!

Oh my God!

You all ever go out to the

country, like, late at night,

and like, listen to bullfrogs

and sh*t?

Man... they talk to you, dude.

God damn.

Hey, Kirsten...

...do you remember that weekend when

we went looking for the red fern?

It was because we'd both just read

"Where the Red Fern Grows"...

...and I borrowed your dad's

hacksaw from the garage

because we thought that if we

cut down the red fern,

we would be rich for the rest of

our lives?

I needed seven stitches.

I know.

On the way to Columbia General,

though, your mom...

...have I told you this story

before?

We were speeding down I-70...

...and I remember seeing this

station wagon...

this white station wagon. It

was over in the right lane,

and it was kind of wobbling, like

something was wrong with the tire.

And all of a sudden, it skidded

and hit the shoulder...

ran over the grass, and just

plunged into...

...into oblivion, I guess.

But, your mom... I remember

your mom,

I looked at her and I said, "Mrs.

Reister, shouldn't we stop?"

She just looked at me and she

said,

"no, honey, we have to get you

to the hospital. "

And just kept driving.

Really? With all that blood and

everything?

So, but... you said she was

good?

She and my dad got a divorce right after I

graduated school and moved to Columbia.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Where does she live now?

I can't remember.

Don't you talk to her?

Oh, you know, I honestly doubt

she wants to hear

that her daughter is a drunk-driving

f***-up with a suspended license

and $30,000 worth of credit

card debt.

Last call. Any takers?

They're all mine.

You know what, guys...

it's times like this that you really start

to learn stuff about life, you know?

It's like... you can finally

get a handle on sh*t, you know,

everything's so hard everyday

and then...

...suddenly, it's all better.

Holy sh*t! Kirsten!

Whoopsies.

No, Kirsten, don't! Because

you're going to...

Damn!

God!

Oh, man. That ain't good.

Okay, stay right there, okay?

Lynn?

Oh my God, Lynn. How bad is it?

What the f*** is going on in

here?

Kirsten, this doesn't look so

good.

Damn. You got to get that b*tch

to the ER, "yo. "

Seek medical attention and sh*t.

No!

We walked here!

You can just use my bike!

Todd!

Todd!

I need to borrow your car.

Todd!

I'm so embarrassed I want to

die.

Lynn, I don't know how many times

I have to ask, but please...

Just, you know, don't talk!

It's going to be fine!

No it isn't, I can't afford

this sh*t! Just please, just...

turn around and take me home,

okay?

Maybe we could just call

your Aunt Barb, you know?

She's always been cool.

No! You can't do that, please!

We don't have to tell her what really

happened. You could just...

tell her that you ran into a

door or something, I don't know.

Please don't, Lynn. Just promise

me you won't do that, okay?

Do you take Discover?

Um, hi.

Is this Kirsten's Aunt Barb?

Kirsten Reister. Yes.

Um, I'm a friend of your niece's, you

probably don't remember me, but I...

I'm here with Kirsten right

now, we're at the hospital...

no, she'll be fine.

She just had a little bit of an

accident, and...

no, no, she'll be fine.

I was just calling, actually,

because I was wondering if...

maybe I could get your credit

card information

and give it to these nice folks

here at the hospital?

Yeah.

No, no, you're right, it...

it doesn't seem sketchy,

doesn't it?

Yeah, you know...

maybe you were right, maybe we

should just get out of here.

All I want, Lynn, is just a big

Band-Aid for my face.

Please!

It's really starting to clot...

...I bet that it's going to

scab in a couple of days, and...

in a week, or in a month...

you'll look great!

It's bleeding through a little

bit, so...

I'm just going to get that guy.

Okay, that's better... right?

It's a little bit better, right?

You know what?

I'm going to call you tomorrow.

And I'm going to stop by.

Feel better, okay?

My life is over.

You look pretty "beat the f***

up" there, Kirsten.

Seriously, what happened?

Um, I think that... if I'm not

fired already, I quit.

No, no... listen.

We're concerned. I'm concerned.

We just want to know...

Can we all just please act like none

of this ever happened ever, please?

I have to go.

Kirsten?

Come on. Open up, I can smell

you!

Okay. I was just kidding. Open

up.

Seriously. Open up.

You're making me worried and

I'm getting pissed off. Okay?

Where is my f***ing phone?

Hello?

Kirsten?

Oh. Hi. Aunt Barb.

Well. I'm on-line looking at flights into

Lambert. I'll probably just end up

getting a rental car at the airport.

And if you need me to...

No. Please, Aunt Barb! Please,

please don't do that.

How do I get a call like that and

not want to come and see you?

There's just really no need for

it.

What do I have going on that's more

pressing than being your Aunt Barb?

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