Small Time Crooks

May I help you?

I'm looking for a box of chocolates.

Something fancy, if you have it.

- Is it for a gift?

- Yeah. I want something fancy...

...and not too rich because she tends

to put on a little blubber, the wife.

- Uh-huh.

- Around the thighs.

What about this one?

It's really nice. It's kind of rich.

- It's from Belgium.

- From Belgium?

- It's very pretty.

- Yeah.

- Hey, Frenchy, I'm home!

- Who's that?

"Who's that?" It's the pope!

- I always wanted to see your apartment.

- Shh.

- Who comes home every night? Me.

- I'm watching Princess Diana.

Not again! How many times

you gonna do that?

Look at those clothes.

I told you time and again,

she got all that stuff discount.

You think those kings and queens

buy retail? It's a known...

- Here, I got you some chocolates.

- Chocolates?

You heard of chocolates?

I got you chocolates.

- How come?

- What do you mean, "How come?"

These are from Belgium.

They're handmade by "Belgiumites."

Tell it to the marines!

You're up to something.

You get caught

hitting on a waitress?

In 25 years of marriage,

have I ever hit on anybody but you?

I don't buy it, Ray.

You got a scheme. You got a scheme!

Forget it! Get me dinner.

They're not for you.

- I got you nothing. Just get me dinner.

- Fine.

I want my dinner right now,

and hurry up.

Before you make dinner,

I gotta talk to you about something.

What did I tell you?

Here comes the commercial.

- Frenchy, I need our 6,000 bucks.

- What?

- I gotta have our six G's.

- That's our whole savings.

- Don't get dramatic about it.

- Ray, six G's. That's all we got, right?

I got a brilliant idea.

I'm gonna make us rich.

How you gonna make us rich?

Rob a bank?

How'd you know that?

How'd you guess that?

What?

First shot out of the box,

you got it.

Is that why Tommy Beal's coming over?

And Denny?

What would you say

if I told you...

...that you were married

to a very brilliant man?

- I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

- This is foolproof.

You told me you were finished

with that life.

I've been finished with it.

But look at me.

I kick around

from stupid job to job.

- You like the way we're living?

- It beats your former residence.

Think I like spending our anniversary

staring at you through glass...

...talking over a phone?

Frenchy, you stood by me.

Granted, you stood by me.

Two years in the joint I waited for you.

And what did I get for it?

You got Belgian chocolates.

What's wrong with that?

God, I've got an idea

and this is so incredible.

But we need seed money for this plan.

We need 18,000 bucks.

Denny's kickin' in six, Tommy's kickin'

in six, and I gotta put in my six.

- Where are those bums gonna get

that kind of stake? -They're not bums.

- Maybe they didn't go to Harvard.

- Harvard?

They never completed kindergarten

because they were drafted.

You're such a snob, Frenchy.

For God's sakes! Denny's not

stupid'cause he drives a truck.

No, he's stupid because he has

a low I.Q. Come on, out of the way.

- Oh, I'd like to just flatten you once!

- Oh, yeah.

Tommy's got street smarts.

He is street smart.

His brain's got potholes.

You with the wisecracks!

She's got an answer for everything.

Forget it!

I'm not spending our last few bucks!

I got my end.

I told you I could match you.

You overmatched him.

He can't get his end.

Frenchy,

I've gotta have that money!

For a heist? Pass. Maybe

if you needed a quadruple bypass.

- This is a brilliant thing!

- No, Ray really is a genius!

- Compared to you this chair is a genius.

- This is a plan of a great mind.

This is precise, mathematical. It's hard

to believe you're just a dishwasher.

Thank you.

I don't get your "agreeance" on this,

I count to three, there's gonna be trouble.

You can count to 53! I did a lot of nails

for that money, and it's all we got.

- That's what you want to do all your

life? Nails? -Take a hike, okay?

- I'm telling you, I'm countin'.

- Oh, yeah?

- If I lose it, you're gone.

- Oh, I'm quaking in my panty hose.

You're embarrassing me

in front of my friends.

- Who said you could have my cookies?

- I can't have a cookie?

- What's up?

- Did you get your share?

My share of what?

Yeah, I got it. I sold some stuff.

- What'd you sell?

- A rented car.

- He can't get his end. She won't give

it to him. - I can get my end!

The candy didn't work? You said you'd

have her eatin' out of your hand.

Will you shut up?

All that's missing from this guy

is a piece of velvet and a pet mouse.

Frenchy, gimme the money.

I wouldn't invest our last six thou

if you had a legit idea...

...much less something that's gonna

land the three of you jerks back in stir.

You said you called the shots

around here.

Will you knock it off!

Frenchy, that money's mine.

It's mine. I earned it,

and I'm saving it for an emergency.

- But I'm your husband.

- Oh, take a hike.

Frenchy,

I'm gonna get violent!

Please! With your hernia?

Fellas, I can't do it.

It's over. Forget it.

You said you're the boss.

Stop telling me what I said,

for crying out loud!

It's over. Let the bank lay there.

Let someone else do it.

- I gotta get some air. I'm going up

on the roof. - Don't jump!

- You're too valuable as a dishwasher.

- Ah, knock it off!

- Frenchy, can I have another cookie?

- No!

I want one.

All right, tell me your idea.

I told you my idea.

You shot it down.

- You gonna tell me, or are you gonna

have a tantrum? -For God's sakes!

For some reason you're always

shooting down my dreams.

Because you get

the kind of dreams people get...

...after putting opium

in their brownies.

Can I for one minute

tell you about this bank?

You're not a bank robber.

You got a two-year mandatory

vacation that proved that.

What I'm not is a stickup man.

That's all we proved.

When I hit that bank that time,

we were inexperienced.

The whole group of us

put on rubber masks.

They were all Ronald Reagan masks.

It was confusing.

I didn't know who was who.

You're lucky your lawyer

knew the judge.

Can I please tell you

my idea, Frenchy?

I noticed a few weeks ago,

a couple doors down from the bank...

...there's a pizza joint

that folded.

A little hole in the wall. And it's

for rent, Frenchy. It's for rent.

Then it hits me.

And, believe me, I'm no genius.

You don't have to sell me.

What I figure is,

we tunnel under.

We take the pizza joint, tunnel under,

we come up under the vault of the bank.

I know the layout 'cause I used to

know a guard. I got diagrams!

We clean out the vault,

we go to Florida.

Ray, we're poor

but we're happy, ain't we?

We're not happy.

You're always complaining.

Are you happy doing cuticles? Is that

the way you want to spend your life?

My mother told me. She said, "Don't get

involved with a guy from the rackets."

What's wrong with you? We had dreams.

I don't know what's gotten into you.

- Did we not have dreams when

I first met you? -Yeah.

Yes, granted, I was in the rackets.

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