Smart People

Good morning.

Because it's important

that we all get to know one another,

I would like you to wear these.

I've taken two other courses

from you. This year.

And you still don't

know what my name is, do you?

I most certainly do.

What is it?

- Look, Miss Chin...

- You just looked.

The Price of Postmodernism:

Epistemology and the Literary Canon.

I've never had to wait this long

for a response from a publisher.

He said it's unpublishable.

- He said that?

- Yes.

Leave a message to call me.

Although we may think him

a curmudgeon

and see his Key to All Mythologies

as a monument to pedantry,

she sees him

as the embodiment of virtue.

For next time, read Maud. All of it.

What are you doing?

There was a paper jam

in the Xerox machine.

Aren't you happy to see

your brother, Lawrence?

Adopted brother.

How's the kitchen knife sales?

Or was it aluminum siding?

How's that going?

Calling cards. It's my new line.

It's all kinds of great deals,

domestic and foreign.

We just added the tiny

island nation of Haiti. It's a gold mine.

I'm glad to see

that you're doing meaningful work.

Lawrence, listen.

I wanted to ask a favor. But it's...

Not again, please.

I believe that I loaned you $ 1,200

the last time that you showed up,

two years ago.

And before that it was another $600.

And I'm going to...

I'm going to help you bloom.

Whatever it is that you're asking,

the answer is no.

I love you.

Hey, I'm sorry to bother you,

but do you have a moment

to discuss the character of Casaubon?

- Do you think that Eliot...

- My office hours are over.

The sign says they're till 5:00.

Okay, but my watch says it's 4:53.

That is official university time.

My watch, it's actually...

It gets information by satellite,

and it's accurate

to one millionth of a second.

Take it up with maintenance.

Their offices are across the campus,

behind the stadium.

Of course, they close at 5:00.

Good luck to you.

Good evening.

Hey, Dad.

We need to discuss something.

What is Gibraltar's?

I've underlined over $300

worth of items

you charged there last month.

It's an art bookstore.

I'm taking art history

and the books are expensive.

- I didn't know you wrote poetry.

- Well, there's a lot you don't know.

Sh*t!

I need my car.

I need my car.

Well, I'm going to need to see

your receipt from campus security.

Davidson will take care of it

on Monday.

I have an arrangement with him.

I can't give you your car

without a receipt.

I said Davidson will take care of it.

You don't even remember me, do you?

I took your Victorian poetry class

last spring.

Yes?

You gave me a D.

Yes, I remember.

- Ben Onufrey.

- Ben Onufrey.

No receipt, no vehicle.

I can see that you take your job

very seriously.

So how about that I offer you

$20 for your trouble?

According to rule 17-B

in the Carnegie Mellon University

Traffic Citation Manual...

Listen, you litigious little sh*t,

I need my briefcase.

Now stop your babbling,

open up that gate and let me in.

The only way you'll get in there

is if you pay the fine

and bring me the receipt.

At which point,

this "litigious little sh*t"...

Hey!

Maybe you should spend less time

memorizing parking manuals

and more time being alert!

Mr. Wetherhold,

I need you to wake up.

Mr. Wetherhold,

I need you to wake up.

I was just resting my eyes.

Have you suffered seizures before?

Before what?

Before tonight.

You suffered a trauma-induced seizure

earlier this evening.

Do you know what day

of the week it is?

Yes.

Well?

Well, what?

Are you always this contentious,

or is this the result of the head trauma?

I prefer language to be precise.

Well, then you should have said,

"I prefer precise language,"

not "I prefer language to be precise."

I'm thirsty. Would you...

You need to stay overnight

for observation.

I need to make a phone call.

- Did he recognize you?

- No.

Well, you have aged.

Shut up. He told me

my language was imprecise.

Was it? Imprecise?

Hello?

Hi, may I please speak

with Mrs. Wetherhold?

I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

May I please speak

to Mrs. Wetherhold?

She's been dead for many years.

Thank you for the painful reminder.

Whatever it is you're peddling,

I'm not interested.

I'm calling about your father.

He's not home.

Take us off your calling list.

No, he's here in the ER.

He's had an accident.

- Is he okay?

- He's fine. He's resting.

He suffered a concussion

and a trauma-induced seizure.

Are you familiar with

Allegheny General?

'Cause I'm sure your father would love

to see you when he wakes.

You know,

I'm taking the SA T tomorrow.

And it is 10:
00 right now,

which means

I have one more hour to practice

before I must go to bed.

You know, head injuries are often

more severe than they initially appear.

And your point?

Well, I would hate for you

to regret something as simple

as not visiting your father

in the hospital.

I appreciate the tip, Dr. Phil.

Little b*tch.

B*tch.

Tetanus shot.

What happened to my car?

It was in the impoundment lot.

I imagine it's still there.

If anyone asks, I was mugged.

I'm not going to lie for you. Roll over.

Just be vague.

That's good.

There you go.

That was well done.

How nice of you to come.

So what happened to your head?

A big guy chased me.

I climbed a fence.

It's all a blur.

Great, so now,

if I don't get the perfect score,

at least I have someone to blame.

And that adopted brother of yours,

Chuck, called.

He left a bunch of messages,

but I heard his voice

and deleted them all.

Yes, he showed up at

the office today, as well.

Oh!

It was so nice of you to come.

I'm Dr. Hartigan.

Now, I want you to call your brother.

Tell him to get my car

out of the impound lot.

And to have it here at 9:00 a.m. sharp.

Excuse me. No, you do that.

You know, because of the seizure,

you can't legally drive for six months.

I have to report it to the DMV.

No, just don't report it.

Six months? Six months...

I'm not being your chauffeur

for six months.

These times are crucial.

Young Republicans. Model UN.

National Honor Society.

I will hire a driver on Monday.

The insurance company will pay for it.

Okay, well, if you need anything,

just have one of the nurses page me.

I'm here all night. Okay?

Now, just go home and get some sleep,

and you'll get that perfect SAT score.

That's what I've been trying to do.

Mercurial.

I learned that word in the fifth grade.

Fecundity.

English is my first language.

Uxorious.

That's appropriately obscure.

Mind you, I know it.

Overly fond of one's wife.

That's my girl.

I have a good one.

Eft.

Let me ponder.

Short in stature. Diminutive.

No, sorry. Eft is a young newt.

They rarely put nouns on the SAT.

You knew that word, right?

Of course. A young newt.

I don't understand why

you had to check out so early.

I only get one Saturday morning

per week, you know.

Cry me a river.

Get off it, James.

So why did you try to jump

the fence

at the impoundment lot, anyway?

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