Smart People Page #2

Where did you hear about the fence?

Two people from school

told me this morning.

Can you please move

to the passenger seat?

I seriously doubt that sitting

on the right makes you sick.

If I vomit, we'll both look stupid.

I remember when Mom used to drop

me off at kindergarten on Brighton.

You sat in the passenger seat then.

What the hell are you doing here?

Watching a documentary

on snow apes.

Hey, man.

Hey, Jim.

Good to see you, Chuck.

You look like you had

another growth spurt.

No, I don't think so.

Not since I saw you last.

I'm too old for this.

I would like an explanation.

Why are you here?

Vanessa said that

you couldn't drive for six months.

So I'm here to help.

Yeah, he's pretty sure he's

gonna move in and be your driver.

I think I got the perfect score today.

There was one tricky math one...

Did it ever occur to you that

I might not want you to drive me?

Let alone move in.

It did occur to me,

but Vanessa spoke

to the insurance company,

and they're not going to pay

for a chauffeur.

And I already wrote a letter of complaint

and I wrote a request for an appeal.

So, if I could just get

your signature, and I will fax it.

I'm a little low on cash right now.

I can't really afford

to get my own apartment.

So it's kind of a win-win situation.

No. It's not a win-win situation.

It might be,

if you were even vaguely reliable,

- but you're not.

- There's a spare room upstairs.

- There's linens and towels...

- Shh. Shh.

Thank you, Jim.

Do you even have

a valid driver's license?

I need a ride to campus.

I will see you downstairs

- in five minutes.

- You got it!

Make a left.

We need someone

with a national scholarly reputation

and strong leadership experience.

Well, thank you, Martin.

I am honored to serve in the position.

You heard?

Word travels fast around here.

Usually it's a pain in the butt

to find someone

to chair the search committee.

I thought we were hiring

from within the department.

You told me we were hiring

from within the department.

Well, everyone else

is so busy this semester.

Delivering papers, publishing.

Have you read

what they're publishing?

Most of it's garbage.

That's not very collegial.

Well, neither is forcing me

to chair this search committee, Martin.

I am busy, too.

When was the last time

you attended a department meeting?

When was the last time

there was anything on the agenda

worth discussing?

I need you to do this.

Bon apptit, Martin.

Now that Roth has forced me

to chair the search committee,

I can't very well

nominate myself now, can I?

You should have had that position

eight years ago.

I mean, that was a travesty

if I ever saw one.

You were nine years old at the time.

I will tell Roth

that this injury is too much

and it precludes me

from heading the committee.

Why do you even want

to be head of the department?

You don't like any of

the other professors

and you certainly don't like

any of your students.

You know, James,

there was a time not too long ago

when students were

passionate about literature.

Today's students are

only passionate about getting A's.

Dick Cheney.

His daughter is a lesbian.

And while her partner is

considered to be "one of the family,"

they never allowed her

on stage during the campaign.

Okay, well, the point is, in 2000,

Cheney was the chair of Bush's

vice-presidential search committee.

You know, he nominated himself.

Nominating myself?

It seems rather unethical.

It's the democratic process.

If it can work

for the Vice-President of America,

it can work for you.

I wanted to call you

all together, one last time,

before we were deep into final exams.

We've received over 200 applications.

Fewer than 10 of the applications

merit serious consideration.

Based on what criteria?

The criteria listed in the official

university bylaws on faculty hires.

When we did this before,

we spent a few sessions

devising a rubric

for candidate evaluations.

One based on more humanistic ideals.

A few of the better applicants

forgot to include copies

of their student evaluations

with their applications.

Personally, I find the evaluations

that students write about me

utterly useless.

It's mostly just speculation

about my sexuality.

Try not to blink.

This is rather uncomfortable.

Okay. We're set, Mr. Wetherhold.

How come my follow-up

wasn't with Dr. Hartigan?

That's because she's the head

of the ER,

not a neurologist like myself.

You know, she's gonna kill me

for saying this,

but she used to be a student of yours,

years ago.

I've had lots of students.

I think she had a schoolgirl crush,

in effect.

She did, did she? Are we done?

Yeah.

Pleasure.

Yeah. Still around.

Here you go, miss.

Hi.

How's your head?

Did you see Dr. Strouse yet?

Yes, everything is fine.

I figured it out.

You were my student.

You must forgive me

for not remembering the other night

when they brought me into the ER.

Did you lose weight?

No, not at all. Same weight.

Night.

What are you doing?

Are these your mom's?

Don't get mayonnaise on them.

You know,

you should really make your bed.

It sets the tone for the day.

How do you know what tone

I wanted to set, though?

Don't you think it's kind of weird

to keep dead people's clothes

lying around?

- Yes.

- Dad's been saving them.

It's really not a good thing for him.

If we donate them to Goodwill,

we get a tax write-off,

which is great.

You're a monster.

May I give you a ride home?

No, thank you. My adopted brother

is supposed to pick me up.

Are you sure? It's pretty cold.

Okay, thank you.

Here.

Don't forget the tax receipt.

Right.

You know, you can sit up front

if you want.

That's okay. I'm fine.

I get

nauseated if I ride

on the right-hand side of the car.

Dr. Strouse said I was fine

and I was wondering

if you could call the DMV

and have them repeal

my driving restriction.

That's not how it works.

So what are you teaching

this semester?

I'm teaching two sections

about the Victorians.

Do you like the Victorians?

I used to.

- The Victorian novel, huh?

- Hmm.

Wow, how many times

can you read Bleak House?

You never tire of Bleak House.

I can always find something new

to say about it.

Don't you have anything better to do?

You need to relax.

You need to relax. I need to study.

Great, I'm in an after-school special.

You know, your dad used to smoke

all the time

when he was in grad school.

Oh, yeah?

He was too scared to buy it,

so I'd have to do it for him.

They called him Hookah Larry.

Look, your pathetic attempts

to manipulate me,

they're never going to work.

Okay, shut up and give it to me.

If this gives me brain damage,

I will kill you.

Lupita is crying over Pedro,

who is being abused by Manuel.

She's going to leave Manuel,

you know.

He's such a machismo.

She's going to move in with Diego.

He's really handsome and built.

If your Spanish were better,

you would see all of that.

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