Smokey and the Bandit II Page #2

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Let me tell you something.

Junior's nothing but a big mound

of tick turd.

Imagine. Trying to marry that floozy

for a second time.

You know, if Junior is able to

get up in the morning...

tie his shoelaces and take a pee...

- I'm not proud. I'm amazed.

- I declare.

I didn't realize this floozy was the same one

as the last one.

But I do remember all that trouble,

that poor child being abducted...

and taken off by that

handsome devil, Bandit.

Sheriff, is that your radio acting up?

No, that ain't my radio.

It's my hemo-gauge that's beeping.

This hemo-gauge and that exercise...

was invented in a monastery by a couple

of Tibetan monks.

They live in Newark now.

And just lucky enough,

I saw the advertisement in Screw magazine.

So I sent away for it. Cost me $19.95.

That's just wonderful, Sheriff.

I guess that makes it easier for you...

to deal with that business

about your daughter-in-law to be...

running off with that gorgeous,

handsome Bandit.

Daddy?

Come on. You're gonna be late.

Sumbitch.

My dear friends, you have

come together in this church...

so that the Lord

may seal and strengthen your love.

Excuse me.

Hello?

But, sir, this is a wedding.

All right, just a moment.

It's for the bride-to-be.

It's long distance.

Carrie?

It's for you.

Junior, I don't think I should take it

right now.

You gotta take it. It's long distance.

Right.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Cledus, hi! How are you?

I'm good.

Look, Cledus, I'm a little busy right now.

Who's in trouble?

Oh, him.

Yeah, sure. I remember him.

Help?

Why should I help him?

What good reason?

$50,000? That's a good reason.

Yeah, right. I'll be right there.

Junior, do you love me?

- Sure, Carrie.

- Good.

'Cause maybe then you'll understand

and you'll wait for me.

When I get back, I'll have enough money for

that brand new milking machine you want.

Good! And maybe someday

we can buy a cow.

Right.

Not again.

Now, just where do you think you're going?

The Bandit needs me.

And you better recharge your beeper.

Damn! I thought I was supposed

to go with her.

Well, I said it before...

and I'm gonna say it again.

There ain't no way

that you could come from my loins.

I'm going home

and kick your mama in the butt.

- Okay, where's the rest of it?

- You found them all, massa.

Yeah.

You know what I think

about your big training program?

- J-O-A-K, joke. That's what I think.

- I'm in better shape every day.

If Big Enos could ship that package

of his to Texas behind a team of mules...

it'd beat us at the rate we're going.

Just 'cause I started shaking,

you're falling to pieces.

Shaking? You've got the DTs so bad...

you could thread a sewing machine

with it running.

Thanks. I'll take that.

I don't know why you sent for her.

I don't need her.

You don't need anybody, but she's coming.

Why don't you admit

you're glad she's coming?

You'll need all the help you can get

to get in shape...

to make this run, anyway.

Well, that's about enough.

- How many is that?

- One.

- You did one yesterday.

- I know, and it hurt.

Do you think maybe you could squeeze

two out of your body...

- ...without having a coronary?

- I could try.

She never was that much of a help, anyway.

I just figured out why my album didn't sell.

It was the wrong selection of material:

- The Bandit Sings Cole Porter.

- Listen.

If you think the girl was having a good time,

look at that.

Hell, she had to get in line to see you!

She left me when the going got tough.

Hold it.

I distinctly remember

that when the going got good...

it was Bo's big ego

that busted everything up.

Remember what I told you?

I said, "If you ever lose that girl...

"you're gonna wind up being

a booze-head ex-superstar...

"and every time you come up for air,

you'll have a can of beer in your hand."

- That's ridiculous.

- Yeah?

Would you... Give me the beer!

You're gonna keep drinking

that stuff...

your belly's the size of

a number ten washtub.

You know what? I hope I'm there

when they do the autopsy on your butt...

'cause your kidneys gotta look like

the air cleaner on a KW.

Besides, me and you together couldn't

scrape up six people to be your pallbearers.

That's a long walk to make by your...

Somebody left this up here.

I'm gonna put it back.

Bo, she's here.

- Hi, Frog.

- Hi, Bandit.

- You're shaking.

- I'm cold.

I thought maybe you were nervous

about seeing me again.

I'm cold.

It's been a long time since I've seen you,

six or seven months.

I don't know.

It's more like eight months, four days,

and six and a half hours, but I'm not sure.

After we broke up, where did you go?

- To pieces.

- Yeah?

And then I went to New York.

I started dancing again.

I got this fabulous job in a rock musical.

Is that where you got those clothes?

- What's wrong with these clothes?

- Nothing, if you're in a rock musical.

I wouldn't talk if I were you.

You look like "The Gay Caballero."

- Let's not fight.

- I don't want to fight, either.

Miss Frog, remember me?

Cledus!

You skinny old bone!

My God, the man has no meat

on him whatsoever.

You ever seen a fat racehorse, mama?

- Do you know how glad I am to see--

- Hey.

- What is this?

- Cledus, you didn't tell him?

No. Frog, I forgot.

I was getting all set to marry

Junior again when I got your call.

You didn't waste much time dilly-dallying

around with another bunch of people...

did you, once we broke up?

You were dilly-dallying around

when we were still together.

Hey, kids. Will you just knock it off?

The important thing is

we're back together again, right?

Yeah, he's right.

Let me make myself perfectly clear.

While there is a certain amount of

physical attraction between us...

and even some residual affection,

due to nostalgia...

my one and only reason for being here

is money. M-O-N-E-Y.

So let's get started

whipping your ass into shape.

She still loves me.

Damned if you ain't ready

for the Kentucky Derby, son!

Forty-eight.

We ain't got but four days left.

Forty-nine.

Fifty.

Texas is a long ways.

You're getting pretty good.

I got to quit this soon...

or I'm gonna end up looking like

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I'm glad we're gonna get out of here.

I'm afraid this luxurious lifestyle

is gonna grow on me.

Slight problem there. I ain't got no wheels.

I'm the only man in the world

that drank up a Trans-Am.

Can you imagine Roy Rogers

selling Trigger for a six-pack?

No.

- Think he's ready, mama?

- I think he's ready.

- You see, we have got a surprise for you.

- What?

- We've got a surprise for you.

- Yes, big surprise.

- If you will just kindly step outside.

- Right outside, here.

We got something we'd like to show you.

Come on.

Son of Trigger.

You shouldn't have done that.

Pretty, ain't it? I didn't do it all by myself.

- Mama helped me a little.

- What did you do?

I traded Junior's car in on it.

- Black is beautiful.

- Expensive, too.

- But worth it.

- Yeah.

Where was that you said we were going?

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