Smoking Guns Page #2

four flats,

a bungalow to some sweet

little gray haired old lady.

She's looking

for the downstairs,

she's looking for the upstairs,

there ain't one it's

a f***ing bungalow.

I've got 1,500 pound

in my pocket,

which I'm telling you,

right now, I'm gonna stick

a couple of zero's

on the end of that

by closing time

tonight 'cause me,

I'm ready to f***ing gamble.

Let's get ready to gamble!

Yes! So, who else has done what?

Come on, who's done their balls,

who's made a bit of money?

Well, Jack, took a bit

out of the roulette

and stuck it on a

treble didn't he?

You stuck it on a treble?

Yeah, but listen, if all

three horses come in...

- Yeah? - ...half a

million quid over it.

His first horse just

f***ing come in...

Your first horse has...

So what that's why

you wanna stick it on

a single then isn't it?

Because horse trebles

never come in.

You never know, Paul.

Mate, it ain't ever

coming in, you know that.

Come on, who else has done what?

What have you done?

[Jack]

I could never have a job.

Never work for a wage

and have a boss.

It's the breeding

ground of contempt,

and the steady process

of ending dreams

and settling for a life

of watching the pennies.

Marrying the first girl

you meet, getting fat,

having kids,

watching your wife get fat,

raising your kids

'til they get a job

and meet a girl, get married,

get fat and have more kids.

It's the wage slave

circle of life.

In constant sorrow

all through his days

I am a man

of constant sorrow

I've seen trouble

all my days

Yeah, alright?

Yeah, I've dug the foundation.

Yeah, it was two hours,

like I said.

Well, how far away are you?

I need my wages ASAP.

Don't suppose you could give me a lift up

the high street? I'm running really late.

I'm sorry mate,

it's a two seater.

I am a man

of constant sorrow

I've seen trouble

all my days

[people chattering]

I bid farewell

to old Kentucky

The place where

I was born and raised

The place where he

was born and raised

In constant sorrow

[announcer]

And they're racing.

And Heart Attack is

off to a good start

and God Loves A Grafter

has failed

to come out of the stalls,

he's refused to race.

The chief threat to the favorite

is not taking part,

and Heart Attack

now has an uncontested lead,

with May's Boy Macy in second...

[Jack] Chris's death hurt me.

Not because we were close, I

couldn't stand the fat wanker.

It's just f***ed up how insignificant

a loser's life can be.

[upbeat music]

Excuse me, sir,

I've a laptop out the back.

Would you be interested

in buying it off me?

I'm losing my money my

brother, leave me alone, man.

Excuse me, sir,

brother I tell you

I've a brand new

laptop out the back

and I'm selling it cheap,

would you be interested in it?

Bugger off.

Excuse me, I've a

laptop out the back

if you'd be interested

in buying it off me.

- Are you sure now?

- I'm more than sure.

Brand new, top of the range,

you know...

Sorry, man,

I don't want one of them.

Any youse gentlemen

interested in buying a laptop?

Brand new, laptop bag for it,

the whole lot.

No thanks, mate.

For how much?

3.5 G hertz processor,

16 gigabyte ram,

one terabyte solid state drive,

that's 3,000 pounds in any

of the high streets you go to.

Now she's top of

the range quad core.

Give me 150 pound for it

and it's yours.

So it works properly

an all that, does it?

Of course it works,

she's brand new,

look, she's top of the range.

I give you 50 quid, yeah?

Let's meet in

the middle shall we?

100 pound and I can't

go a penny less.

[Ian] Okay, mate, 100 quid, and

it better not f***ing break...

- What the f*** you think you're doing?

- Come here to me, fella...

100 pound's not enough,

250 at the very least.

Jesus, Mary and f***ing Joseph,

pal, it's a brand new laptop.

Hang on a second, mate.

Your mate just said

100 quid for it, right?

A deal's a deal at the

end of the day, mate.

So, I mean, you can't go

back on the deal now, bruv.

100 pound or nothing.

Mick, I'm out there telling

the man 100 pound.

A deal is a deal, you should

have said something earlier on.

We're dealing with

savvy negotiators here.

I can see that, man.

Go on, you got yourself

a deal, 100 pound.

Sweet as a nut, brother.

Look you're leaving me

with a f***ing fiver.

God bless you, God bless you.

I tell you what,

sorry about my friend, Mick.

But you got yourself a good

old deal there, 100 pound.

Credit to you, credit to you.

Anyway look I better be off before

you hustle the shirt of me back.

Cheers for that, mate.

[speaking indistinct]

[Ian] Cheers, mate.

[Ian yelling indistinct]

[laughing]

Glad we're alone

actually, Yian, man,

I gotta ask you for something.

I wish I could, mate, I'm skint.

No, no, it's not money,

mate, I make my own money.

What do you want from me then?

Well, look, I know you

know a lot of people,

some nicer than the

others and I was wondering

if you could introduce me to some of

the others, if you know what I mean.

Sorry, mate,

you completely lost me...

- I need to buy a gun.

- What?

Gun.

[Jack] I want to feel the

preciousness of life and death

at the end of my index finger.

Hold my fate in my hand.

Yiannis knows everyone

from round here,

from the road sweepers to

the people with a few quid.

If anyone is going

to have a link

to a local arms dealer,

it'd be him.

Yiannis is a busy body

who gambles out

of boredom and

escape from his life

after his clothes factory went

bankrupt in the recession.

He spends his days hiding

from his miserable wife

who thinks he's out

searching for work,

when in reality, all he does

is give Ian bad advice,

bet like a feminine

prostitute on her period

and get on my nerves

in the process.

Try and learn something here.

Don't be like the rest

of the mugs in here.

- Always check the form.

- What at 12:
40?

You're too late, man,

look they're nearly all in.

F***.

[Jack] Now as harmless

and content as Yiannis may be,

he loves nothing more than a

bit of bullshit, a tall tale.

He lives for that moment when he's got

someone's attention, usually Ian's,

and if he's not stopped,

could waffle on for hours

given the opportunity

to take center stage.

And if one lie is enough

to question all truths,

the thousands of lies he

has told me over the years

leaves me in no doubt

that it's bullshit,

even when some of

it might be true.

[Yiannis] I know someone,

some Albanian geezer.

Pipi, one word.

I've heard he plays cards

down the Shooters Club.

Oh, Yian, don't start

with all that bullshit.

Bektash and all the drug

mafioso's and all that.

Do you want my help or you

gonna carry on taking the piss?

You might even know him.

Little guy, big head?

Always doing his football

bets on Saturday morning?

No 'cause I have a sleep in

on Saturday morning don't I?

Oh, yeah, lazy.

Well, give me his number

and I'll be grateful, Yiannis,

I mean, I'll give

you a nice drink.

No, I don't want a drink.

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