Smother Page #3

I think it would hurt her feelings.

Maybe I could pay someone to do.

Do you wanna make five bucks?

Good night, honey.

OK:

Honey.

What?

Honey

What is it?

We're supposed to do

the deed tonight.

Oh, does that start tonight?

The next four.

Oh, cool.

Do you think maybe

we should hold off

until we settled for

the whole job thing?

And that would be when exactly?

Why are you in sure

that you are in ovulating?

Yeah, it's what the calendar said.

Tonight or tomorrow.

Okay...

Look, if you're not up for it,

do not up for it.

I'm not up for it.

It's just been such a crazy day.

Okay, we'll do it tomorrow,

I guess.

Twice.

Yeah, all right.

As if.

OK, Thanks.

Spoony?

Clare Bear, I'm so tired.

Spoo-oo-oo-ny?

Baby, I just

want to stretch out, OK?

Pull your head out of your ass,

Babe, I want to be held.

It's Ok. It's OK.

It's OK. It's me.

Honey, are you OK?

I'm fine.

Go back to sleep, honey.

Mom?

Myron, you're having a dream.

Go back to sleep.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

It's alright.

Just sit down.

We'll

You alright

Save the remodel for later.

Are you hungry?

Is it the way you wake me up?

Do you want me to

make you some toast?

I think your father's

having an affair.

It's okay, Sammy Higgins.

Go on back to bed.

What are you talking about?

That's why

we were fighting about.

I confronted him and

he lied to me, so I left.

I left, and now I'm all alone,

and I'd do just

about anything right now

to get my hands

on an apple fritter.

But... Neve mind.

I'm fine.

I'm perfectly fine.

I just gonna Hey, sit down.

Are you sure Dad-Put his thing

into another woman's thing

and it felt good and

then he did it again

and then he probably saw

or felt her b*obs

in the middle of all that?

Yeah.

It's pretty clear to me, yes.

Alright, come on, Mom,

there's no way Dad did that.

You actually see him doing this?

A woman knows.

Trust me.

It's like when you look at a person

and you know they're gay.

You can just tell.

Right... look,

I think we're both really tired.

I mean we should

go to bed and talk

about this tomorrow.

I need a place to stay until

I can decide what to do.

Now maybe you might know somebody

who could take me in for

a couple of weeks?

A couple of weeks?

Could get sure to clear my head?

I... uh... maybe there are YWCAs...

Those are nice.

Hmm... OK.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

But listen to me.

I need you to promise me

that you're going to be good.

No prying, no chaos, no insanity,

no circus routine.

You are going to like this.

I want to see this.

I promise.

You are not gonna

even know I'm here.

Scout's honor.

That's not the Scout's honor.

That's something like Star Trek.

Good night.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm gonna be so good.

Honey, she wants to

stay for two weeks.

Really? I guess that's okay.

Doesn't she

have anywhere else to go.

No.

But how am I going to screen her

calls if she's living with us?

She will break down all

our happiness of this house.

Believe in my words.

Don't be such a drama queen.

It's OK.

Just go to sleep now.

Honey, I'm too worked up now.

I need to get BJ to calm down.

Nice try, good night.

Good morning, Captain.

What are you doing?

Guess what? Breakfast is ready.

Can I get this place

some privacy please?!

Uh oh.

Here comes the Grumpy Bear.

I'm twenty-nine year old.

I'm not playing Grumpy Bear.

Nothing stops the Grumpy Bear

but a big smile.

When was the last time

you washed your bedspread?

OK.

Out.

Go. Go.

What do you think,

the stink police?

Get the creatures out of here.

Alright, Sammy Higgins.

Let's let your grumpy

brother get dressed.

Come on.

He's not my brother!

He's a dog and I'm human being.

And my sheets are not even...

Oh my god

Max, I need a minority

villain sergeant, please.

Is he a lovely Indian?

No. He's peaceful.

Morning camper.

There's some carob chip pancakes

on the stove there.

Thanks.

Could you not smoke

in the house, Mom?

How did I raise such a funny son?

You're crack out

with jokes, sweetie.

Is he African American?

A little stale. Max

Myron, I thought your writing

seminar was on today.

Yeah, I got a push back.

Is he Portorican?

Excellent, Max.

Fresh new take.

What is that thing?

It's a new voice recognition script

writing program called Max 9000.

He's my digital

collaborator, watch.

Max, I need a name for my new

minority villain sergeant.

Max 9000?

Try again.

Victor Escobar?

Perfect.

Wow, writing is easy.

You're telling me.

Isn't it sweet to make Myron

take care of Sammy Higgins.

I think Myron has some paralyzing

social deficiencies.

So much fun getting out of

the house and be with my son.

Here we go!

Mom, What are you?!

Pick that up!

What, oh...

You're not Tiho Wuanita.

Come on.

I've obeyed the rules all my life.

If I want to throw a little trash

on the ground occasionally,

I think I've earned the right.

That makes zero sense.

To you maybe.

Listen.

Just go do your shopping,

and I'll come find you after.

OK. Turkey Lips.

Don't call me Turkey Lips.

Okay, Honey Buns.

I love you! Knock'em dead!

Sorry!

Thanks again for seeing me

on such short notice.

Hey, what are former bosses for?

So, the wife's good?

Yes, very good.

Kids?

Not yet.

Clare's pretty eager though,

... so we've been trying.

Boy, I do know what that's like.

The Mrs. Wanting

to settle down and nest.

Bringing spousal pressure

on the head of the household

to buckle under and procreate.

Not a fun place to be in

if you're not ready to have kids.

Do you know what I mean?

Between you and me,

there's plenty of things you can

do to lower your sperm count.

Simple things.

Excuse me?

Oh yeah, I delayed

conception for months.

I took scalding hot baths,

wore tighten underwear...

anything to sap those nuts.

Of course, rubbing one out

before sex is the best way

to deplete viable sperm

from your load.

Good to know.

Thank you.

So, anyway,

I was surprised to hear from you.

I thought once you became

Mr. Physical Therapy you'd be done

with the carpet industry forever.

Well, after I graduated from

school, I worked a few years for-

Carpet Bazaar,

Donnie Booker's speaking.

Go ahead, I'm listening.

Me?

Oh. So, after college,

I worked for

a number of private practices...

Uh huh.

- And although I gained

a lot of valuable experience,

I found that environment

just wasn't for me.

Uh huh.

So now I just, I'm looking for

solid employment-

You know

Uh huh. Right.

- And since you said

I always had a job here,

I thought I'd take you up

on your offer.

Blue.

Your recent firing would ordinarily

be an enormous red flag

to anyone with half a brain.

I have two halves,

and I believe in giving people

a second chance

after they've thrown away

the best years of their lives.

If you think you're ready to

take it to the next level, Mr.

You can fill out some paperwork

and start today.

Im ready to take it to

the next level and beyond.

I guess all I can say is

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